Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Christmas!

Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I was invited to a wonderful FANCY Christmas eve dinner party... The food and company was special. Yet, I experienced overwhelming heartache missing my husband, Rob being by my side enjoying the festivities of Christmas. Tears that could not be held back, flowed forth.

Ironically, I just finished telling a dear friend of mine yesterday, to give herself permission to have a hard day... My friend's husband had a stroke a year ago, turning her life and their ministry upside down. A week and a half ago three children in their orphanage were kidnapped for sex trafficking. Last week she was bitten by a poisoness snake while cutting basil in her garden. She was temporarily paralyzed and nearly died. Today her husband contracted malaria. But God! His fingerprints were manifest everywhere in the midst of her trials. God did not forsake her!

Christmas in third world countries brings new opportunities to praise and thank God for many precious things in life... Some friends had to flee South Sudan with barely their lives and nothing else because of insurrection and warfare! A coo had broken out to overthrow the government. In fact someone has had to find refuge from South Sudan here in Uganda, at the host home where I am staying!

Pray that these children would be brought back safely and unharmed. Pray for Peace in South Sudan. Pray for safe haven for all those who need it. Pray for unspeakable joy to break out... Pray for hope to shine it's light in people's lives this Christmas and New Year.

I certainly have gained a new perspective to having a "Merry Christmas" this year. I am joyful that I have a safe place to stay. I am blessed that I have loving friends around me and praying for me, even though I am far away from home. God has not forsaken me! These are reasons for me this year, to celebrate Christ Jesus' birth... MERRY Christmas! Merry CHRISTMAS!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Adjuring a suicidal friend...

I could tell you something trite like, "suicide is not the answer Jesus Christ is", but I won't! As a survivor of suicide, I can tell you this: my husband chose suicide to end his pain and in so doing he will never know the grief, the pain, the loss, the heartache, that he left behind as part of his legacy to those who loved him. I adjure you, as one who is still walking through the pain of the suicidal death of my husband, suicide is not the answer. Suicide leaves in its wake, indescribable grief beyond comprehension, more tears then you could ever know, pain in your heart that feels like nothing can ever heal it, so many unanswered questions, feelings of rejection, unrequited love and unsaid goodbyes. My question to you is this, do you really want to leave this behind as your legacy and inheritance for those who love you? With suicide there are no do overs. It is final!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

In Christ Alone!

I know that seemingly I've been on an even kilter for what seems a fair amount of time now. Yet, a few weeks ago, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began.

I got up to pray, and all I could do was cry. Though I didn't hear Jurgen's guitar and voice harmonized with Debbie's singing or Rob's saxophone playing; the memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5:30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit.

I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar.  The memories are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing waters.

I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears, his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption. There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind. Especially security.

In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but lost all financial security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off.  Many of my relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid life long friends, don't call or can hardly bare to spend time with me or look me in the eyes. I own my part in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on other's coat tails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could not ask for. This doesn't work.

I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantel of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you God, that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone!

Excerpt from "Indescribable" the book! by Kimberly Wallace

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Father's Loving Arms

Swirls of emotions
like eddies of water
tumbling over rocks reaching
new unknown obstacles
rolling pouring falling flowing
Nothing seems natural
yet somehow feels right
in the midst of the hardest
most difficult places

Will my hope disappear like
sands of time in the watersmeet
where only jetties are revealed?
Or will this hope beyond hope
crash onto embankments
landing on a sea of green
ebbing through leaves of grass?

Redefined on this perilous journey
by lips of death that kissed my beloved
Discovering unsurity in new insecurities
Would I that I could but rest
floating in the loving arms of my Father
like cleansing bath waters caressing
my wounded soul yet buoyed spirit

©10/29/13 Kimberly Wallace

Preparation for another "First" (International Missions Trip)

I appreciate your taking the time to read my update for my missions trip. This time has been difficult to prepare for as I move forward in the Father’s will to share a Kingdom mindset with Leaders from around the world both young and old, future and existing…

This certainly has been an interesting roller coaster ride in this season of new “firsts” as I prepare for my “first” international missions trip since Rob’s suicide. I have felt the covering shift and change since Rob’s death and know the importance of prayer covering. I covet your prayers more than anything.

I am excited that the Nepal portion of my trip is getting ready to leave in two weeks and wanted to share an update! I am still needing to raise an additional $4,000.00 for my East Africa portion of my missions trip. I will be meeting Todd and Ruth Cataldo of New Nation Church International (NNCI), in the UK and flying on to Entebbe Uganda. We will then be ministering in Uganda, South Sudan and Zambia together.

We’ll be specifically ministering at New Nation Church International, Kampala and NNCI’s developing congregation in Masindi, in Uganda. In South Sudan, we will minister at New Nation congregations in Wudu, Mondikolok and Juba as well as at NNCI’s Nursery and Primary Schools. Additionally, our team will travel to Zambia where we will examine a local house church that has asked to join NNCI’s growing family of churches. Exousia Ministries International has had the blessing to help oversee the growth of these congregations since 2009 personally in South Sudan, Tanzania and in Uganda.

My schedule from December 22nd is still being worked on and will utterly depend on donations as to how long I can stay! I plan on ministry with Heart for Children (Kimblio School and orphanage at Osia with Cor and Grace Koelewijn), and medical/ministry work in a children’s prison – in Kampiringisa where there are over 400 children and many are under the age of 8- with Food Step (Werner and Nathalie Stauerbauten). Can you imagine a land where children get put into prison under the age of 8 – where parents often don’t look for their missing children because they assume their child has been taken for blood sacrifice? This is not a myth, this is real! One dollar buys so much in local food in Uganda! Twenty five dollars is a whole week’s salary in the villages. Thirty five dollars pays for a month’s school fees.

If you would like to be part of this mission through your financial support, mail a check to: EMI 7405 Greenback Ln., Suite 141, Citrus Heights, CA 95610 ( Please write “East Africa” in the memo line). No donation is too smal!.I need to receive any final snail mail checks by November 12th) Alternately I can continue receiving any funds through November 26th through PayPal: click on or go to this link: PayPal Please make your tax deductible check payable to EMI (Exousia Ministries Inc.)

While money is important, it comes in a distant second to my need for prayer support – which is so important to the success of this mission! Pray for the people I’ll encounter, that my desires are His desires, and that His will be done. As much as God loves mission trips, the enemy doesn’t. There will be a host of obstacles that will attempt to discourage as I travel. Knowing that you are committed to pray, gives me greater peace. Everything else will fall into place!

Funds collected are for travel, food, housing and visa costs; any funds collected surpassing my budget will be given as donations to Heart for Children and to Food Step for ministry work.

Blessings in His Faithful grip,


Sunday, August 25, 2013

Today is a new day!

Today is a new day. I have to remind myself to stop "shoulding" on myself... I catch myself thinking I "should" be further along in the mourning process of my husband's suicide and death. I "should" not feel relieved that I'm no longer walking on emotional egg shells. I "should" no longer be crying. I "should" not cry in public. I "should" not feel guilty for enjoying life. I "should", I "should", I "should"...  Instead I MUST thank God and praise God and glorify Him in this process of tears of mourning. I must give myself permission to celebrate my life as it is, not filled with "shoulds", but my life as it is, and not look back at the past. I intentionally and purposely choose to live in the now, with my hope in Jesus and all my tomorrows!!!

Yesterday was such a difficult day for me emotionally with mourning my husband's death. Saturday's have been soooo hard for me to bare... That was THE day I found Rob hanging by his neck on the side of my house. It never ceases to amaze me that sometimes something as simple as the flash of a car, the sound of a song, hearing a saxophone play, the smell of Cinnabon and coffee, can remind me of my husband and send me spinning sideways into tears that don't easily stop. But God!!! His goodness His glory and His delight He finds in me. My joy and my delight can only be found in Him!!!

For those of you both close to me and not so close to me, THANK YOU for allowing my tears and NOT telling me to stop crying and giving me permission to feel the pain in your hugs, your silent but meaningful looks, your sometimes hesitant smiles, and yes, even YOUR tears. I know that I am not the only survivor of Rob's suicide. I have the greatest hope that God's glory will somehow prevail through my life and love of Jesus.

Yes today is a new day! I'm finding therapy (as usual) in cooking Indian butter chicken and Tuscan tri tip for the party tomorrow for Cor and Grace Koelewijn! Cooking is my passion, Jesus is my life!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Cleaning the Office

I was attempting to clean out my husbands office today. I haven't really gone in there much since he committed suicide. Please pray for me- I came across a couple of notepads filled with my husband's words of despair and how he felt like such a fraud. My heart is grieved after reading all the words of hopelessness that Rob wrote.

I want to say right here right now, if you are feeling hopeless reach out to someone and tell them how you're feeling so they can pray for you so their prayers can lift you out of that pit When you are unable to climb out of that pit on your own accord. Jesus will be that helping hand. Jesus will be the knot at the end of that rope that you can hold onto. DO NOT LET THE ENEMY WIN THIS BATTLE OR WIN THIS WAR! WE MUST BE VICTORIOUS BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN THE DEEP SADNESS OR DIFFICULTIES OF OUR LIVES!

Friday, July 19, 2013


Today is my late husband's birthday. It is filled with mixed and warring emotions... But I will NOT yield, as I stand on the solid rock of my Father and His promises...

"attempts turning away from and fending off
uninvited unimaginable sadness and anger
become paralyzing parasitical emotions
blurring boundaries truth and trust once gave

somehow in Christ alone, through mercy and grace
I am able to move forward taking back my life
that has been held hostage and ransomed for death
by the suicidal choice to leave the land of the living

and yet the love of my Father God  pervades in this
torn scourged human heart seeking finding hope
that only Christ’s peace can bring in the tempest
of unanswered questions without ever a goodbye"

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 7-19-13

Thursday, July 18, 2013


My late husband Rob's birthday would have been tomorrow. I appreciate your remembering Rob Wallace well.

"pictures become recluse in hiding
because of the searing pain they brought
upon the aching heart of a child
I wiped away heart wrenching tears
strangely belonging to someone else
somehow comforted that I am not alone
in mourning the ravages of suicide
tears leak out of my heart in rivulets
as mile markers remembering
a birthday that might have been"

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 07-18-13

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Castles in the Sand

Thundering echoes of threats
hit my threshold of peace and pain
mixing together like sea water and sand
Each wave new again
yet the rhythm remains the same

Each time the mourning arm of grief
attempts to sabotage moments of joy
I see and hear and feel
my Father’s invitation to redemption
He whispers softly
“Old things are passed away
All things are made new!”

Walking this strange and difficult journey
on the beach of surviving suicide
I discover in this new rising tide
there is the choice to be swallowed up
in the invisible undertow
or surf the wave enjoying the ride

Through His promise and His truth
Each tear is redeemed
Every obstacle becomes an opportunity
Every fear becomes love
and my darkness fades to light

© 07-13-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Faithful Father!

Faithful Father

In climbing this tree of life
I aimed for the utmost,
outermost limbs
but then I came
to this place
I could not move up higher
I could not climb back down
Oh Lord
can I trust you
like a child does
its' father?
Though I'm not always sure
of my trust in You-
Ever faithful You are
to catch me
in the dark hardness of my fall
A Father with His child
there You are to catch me
in the hard darkness of my fall

© 1996 Kimberly A. Sweeney, © 2004 Kimberly A. Wallace

Anger and Death

This past Saturday night was the first time since my husband's suicide that I went to a social "event" by myself... I went to Shane Grammer's art show in Roseville and to Ben Woodward's concert in Sacramento! Since Rob's death, any social events that I'd been to, I always went with my "kids" and/or friends. Huge breakthrough!!! Very strange feelings though, to arrive and leave alone...

I've been perplexed at the level of anger towards my late husband, that rises up inside of me. My grief counselor says that I must acknowledge the anger, feel it, then let it go. Easy for her to say!

I find it interesting that I have actually allowed myself to feel the anger and then be intentional about not reacting to the anger and TRULY letting it go. Without Jesus Christ, I KNOW that I would be such a basket case and a puddle of mush, unable to do anything in the emotional state that I have been in. My Heavenly Father has been so faithful to catch me in the dark hardness of my failings...

Monday, June 10, 2013


With my birthday coming up, I have been missing my husband so very much and been emotionally instrospective... Sometimes I believe that I have moved from the season of grief, (the loss of my husband) into the season of mourning (remembering my husband). However, I have been greatly deceived into assuming, that this season would be less difficult than the season of grief had been. In some ways, it may appear that way to the onlooker, the outsider, as I learn to do life in this new “normal”. I have struggled to get back to a place of “normal” only to discover that the old “normal” has been redefined!

My life is morphing from surrealism into reality somewhere after the numbness of the first six to nine months of Rob’s suicidal death. There are the oddest of things that bring back memories of my late husband, Rob: a song in the middle of a store or on the radio, seeing a silver blue car streak by, the sound of a siren, the smell of: coffee, cinnabons and krispy cream donuts, and so many other things seemingly unrelated, yet ALL bring back memories of Rob. Those memories flood my mind and often take me mentally hostage and physically paralyzed. Grief and mourning is difficult in itself because it is so non-linear. Adding the aftermath of suicide magnifies these emotions and pain…

I have asked the Father: Will I ever get through the depths of this pain? Will it ever get easier? He gently responds to my questions and encourages me to risk the emotion and the pain, by casting them on Him and stepping out in my Faith… I am reminded that I must answer the invitation of redemption Jesus has given and allow Him to redeem this suicidal death that was so indescribably horrendous. This is an opportunity for others that might not have had the experience of life filled with Jesus’ hope to choose life instead of death in the midst of their pain. When a seed dies, life springs forth… There is a choice of life that incrementally changes all the other consequences of the choice of suicide.

I continue to covet your love and prayers as I walk on this journey of honoring God, hoping that I am exhibiting Jesus Christ's unconditional love no matter what I am experiencing...

Friday, May 3, 2013

God is a god of redemption

God is a God of REDEMPTION! He uses all things for His good and His glory! I received this private facebook message from "Melissa" and would like to share this wonderful testimony with all of you...

April 22, 2013
From: Melissa

"Just wanted to let you know that several months ago I was dealing with suicidal depression. My words may not be eloquent and I pray they are not inappropriate... But I thought of you many times. As I struggled to fight a voice I knew wasn't mine and even made a tea of oleander bushes... I thought of how you shared your pain and I wondered if my husband would suffer the same. My children, I was convinced would be better off without me! Then you would share something small and I would realize that I'm considering putting my family thru what you went thru. I knew my oldest son would feel guilt even though he's smart enough to reason thru it. Thought about how I barely know you yet my heart grieves for you. Anyway, I've had many prayer sessions with LifeBridge and I'm doing very well. For the first time ever in my life, suicide is a distant ridiculous option. I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm so grateful for your strength to share your struggle. For those of us who struggled with those awful mind bending thoughts... You offer a perspective that encourages us to come out of that selfish dark place. May Gods peace and blessing fall on you like a flash flood in the desert! With all my heart." Melissa


God said, "Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you." So I say with confidence that the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid!

I am overwhelmed and touched by the love and prayers of so many... The tears have subsided and I am now riding a blissful wave of peace. Thank you for your prayers that loosed the heavenlies on my behalf, and for wrapping me in God's peace that my finite mind can not even begin to understand, because His ways are so far above my ways... Wow! He holds the pleiades in His hand... How great is that?!!

The nature of God is the answer to every challenge. God is MY strong tower, MY impenetrable shield!!!

Oh my goodness

Oh my goodness! Please pray peace over me. I was cleaning out the garage, especially my husband's work table and going through everything and tossing things that looked like I didn't need them. And then... I came across some papers, downloaded directions on how to make a noose, along with the left over nylon rope that Rob used to make his noose and hang himself.

I immediately shredded the directions on how to make a noose and threw them along with the left over rope away. I sighed. I thought, "Wow, I'm doing ok with this!" I did a few more things in the garage and then went inside to pee. I totally lost it. Hyperventilating convulsing tears. I recognized the rope, because I had to cut him down from his noose he tied to our balcony on the side of the house. I remember I couldn't find scissors to cut the rope. I remember screaming, "You will live and not die!" over and over and over, until I was finally able to cut him down. I can't breath too well right now. Lord give me your peace that passes all my own understanding, as only you can do.

I covet your love and prayers...


There is not a day that goes by, that I don't think about my late husband and how he touched my life, both the great times and the struggles... There were both... I miss him... I am also amazed at the grieving that continues to come in waves... There are still some days that I am not able to function enough to get out of bed, and yet there are other days when there is a beginning sense of normalcy in my life.

By the way, NEVER ask a widow or someone grieving "How are you?" (this is going in my book "Indescribable" under the what NOT to do section)... If you really want to know offer "You've been on my heart and I'm praying for you."

Thank you for your love and prayers during my season of grief, tears and healing...

I thank God for His and your grace towards me!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Honest Emotional Truth

Emotional Truth

My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob`s suicide. I believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something other than self murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally I replay over and over whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father.

I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month. I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don`t understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do not understand it experientially.

On my way home from a session with a client yesterday, I just started crying, heaving, sobbing, painful tears, seemingly for no reason. They wouldn't stop. This scared me. I pulled into my garage and stayed in my car and cried, painful, heart wrenching, tears. My soul cried. My heart rended a loss that I can`t put  into words. I think I stayed in my car for an hour. I didn't want to depress or scare my roommate. She ended up having a friend over at the house. I fixed us all soup for dinner. Her friend was lamenting about her job, and suddenly I began prophesying over her. Very strange. And yet, it was definitely a Word from God to this young woman. I could sense and feel it.

I find that it is difficult compartmentalizing my pain and emotions and separating them from my every day schedule. It doesn't work to compartmentalize, even when I try, lately. Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down my cheeks as I write.

This emotional pain is agonizing... If it were not for your prayers, and the prayers of others who love me, I would really be in a most horrible place. Thank you for your prayers! I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in asking why Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep reminding myself, that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob, He must be just as much toward me...

Saturday, March 9, 2013

My heart cries

Today Saturday marks the day, tomorrow Sunday marks the date, a year ago, that Rob chose to end his life. This is the biggest and most emotional milestone that I have come across since that traumatic night of finding him hanging from the side of our home. For me, the heavenly Father's unfailing unfathomable love is the only thing that begins to soften the edges of this broken winged soul. As He touched my heart this morning, I was able to write.

My eyes rend unending tears
at missing the sight
of that gentle smile
My ears ring with longing
to hear jokes and quick wit
My mind cries in attempting
to empty itself
of unanswered questions
and unsaid goodbyes
My soul laments
in losing the bonds
of my marriage vows
My spirit soars at half mast
alone on this portion of its journey
My heart cries as I experience
the depths of grief and loss
of my dearly beloved husband

©  03-09-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Thank you Lord for your uplifting hand that directs my peace beyond all my understanding.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Possible excerpt for the book - March 7, 2013

March 7, 2013

Last night, on my way home from a meeting while on the phone with a friend and sitting at a stop light, 5 police cars with flashing lights and sirens zoomed through the red light, then an EMT vehicle and a fire engine also ran the red light. This triggered deep emotions within me regarding,  Rob's suicide. Not only did I get choked up, the tears began to flow, and I cried. I realized that I was apologizing to my friend for crying. And I was reminded, (previously by my wonderful grief counselor): Don't apologize for my feelings or emotions, because this minimizes or negates them. Rather, thank the person I am with for listening and allowing me to experience the grief. I did not remember to do this with my friend on the phone. I kept apologizing.

I got to the house and my roommate could clearly see that I'd been crying and asked what was wrong. I tried to share what had just happened as best as I could, in between the choking sobs. She came and hugged me and just held me and reminded me that I was not alone. That felt really good.

Not long after, as I was attempting to process my emotions, I got teary eyed all over again because I couldn't remember specific incidences clearly in my mind from "the night" of finding Rob after he had murdered himself. I called my spiritual son.  The one who had been on the phone with me, "the night" I had discovered Rob had committed suicide. I was desperate to remember specific details. He shared as best as he could, while dealing with his sick two year old... I cried some more.

Through this I realized yet again, how many ways this experience has redefined not only my life but many of my relationships. I was thinking of one in particular , where the relationship got broken in the midst of my grief only two short months to the day, after Rob's suicide. I know I said some stupid things (in particular I had said, "I can't take your "s!@*t" tonight) in the midst of my pain. One thing I remember, none of us walked in God's grace towards each other. For this I am sorry and have been, for all this time.

I'm sure there are many other circumstances where I have done similar things, repeatedly. I ask a forgiveness from all those who, in my moments of grief and pain, when I may have done or said something to, seemingly insensitive or inappropriate. Please forgive me.

Then I called another spiritual son, for more clarity on the events that happened "the night" I discovered Rob dead. Mostly he listened as I verbally processed and jabbered on (and on and on), blew my nose several times, and cried lots of tears trying to piece together what had happened that night. I caught myself apologizing for crying and instead thanked him for listening and being there for me. I asked a few questions and he responded.

I recognized this. This was pain. This was grief. Oh, the pain in my heart... The pain in my soul. There is still such a deep rending wound, that has not fully healed... I cried more tears. Allot more tears.

03-07-13 © Kimberly Anne Wallace

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Open Invitation!

Dear Loved Ones and Friends,

THIS WEEKEND marks the anniversary of my husband Rob’s suicidal death. It seems amazingly surreal that a whole year has passed since last March 10, 2012. I understand fully, maybe better than most, that life goes on. Many of you paused your busy lives for a while with me, when Rob’s death was still a deep fresh tear in my life.

I LOVE and APPRECIATE each one of you, who took time out of your busy lives, to help fill the gaps of my life that were left in my husband’s death. For me I have not been able to resume my life, “as it were” so to speak, because my life is often met with unintended waves of interrupting pauses and sometimes paralysing emotions. I find, at times, it difficult to do life the way I used to, because of being mesmerized by grief. I discover in these moments of grief, the many facets of my life that Rob filled. Those facets are now left dull, un-shiny or completely empty and I have been unintentionally re-defined by his death.

A NEW FRIEND (also a widow), recently said that I have been loved by Rob and loved him well, because of the gaping holes that I recognize in my life that remain unfilled, no matter the event, activity or love that I’ve experienced, since his death.

I AM REACHING OUT to EACH and EVERYONE of you, and I ask you to pause again with me this March 9 & 10, 2013. If you loved Rob or appreciated him, please take time to pause and remember Rob well, the different facets he may have touched in your lives. Come spend some time with me at my home this weekend, March 9th and 10th. My home will be open from 12 p.m. to 9 p.m. both days.

PLEASE BRING a GLUTEN FREE, DAIRY FREE dish to share! If you are unable to come because of distance, I ask you to remember Rob well, in your thoughts, prayers and ESPECIALLY emails.PLEASE EMAIL ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS, PRAYERS, PICTURES and MEMORIES, I am putting together a MEMORIAL BOOK dedicated to Rob on shutterfly.

ABOVE ALL, THANK GOD that your loved ones are SAFE and ALIVE.Take the time to tell someone you love, that you appreciate who they are and you love them beyond measure! YOUR LIFE WOULD NOT BE THE SAME WITHOUT THEM TO SHARE IT WTIH...

SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND, I look forward to spending time remembering Rob well with you. (If you need my address, please private message me.)

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Out of death, life springs forth!

I'm pleased that I can actually live a life after the suicide death of my husband, because of the saving grace knowledge and identity of Jesus Christ in my life, my friends and leaders who have loved and supported me in the midst of my grieving.

I only hope that I have modeled grief, in a Godly fashion, yet in a real, transparent way, to the body of Christ.

"Do" (s) and "Don't"(s)

I am working on a list of "dos" and "don'ts" for the Friend, Pastor, Loved one or Care giver.

I would love to see any of your suggested "dos" and "don'ts" as a survivor yourself or the Friend, Pastor, Loved one or Care giver. I may use them in my book with your permission!

Excerpt from "Indescribable"

The Book!

Suicide, the "white elephant",  people are reluctant to acknowledge or discuss.

After returning from a conference in Florida with Lance Wallnau and Tamara Lowe, he and the team there have really helped to bring great focus in Kimberly Wallace's recent season of Redemption. She is working on a book called "Indescribable" for suicide survivors: Those who have been left behind by the suicide of a loved one or friend and for loved ones; friends, counselors, Pastors and care givers of suicide survivors. 

It's a three part book:

Indescribable: Kimberly's grief experience as a suicide survivor
Inconceivable:  Help for friends and family of the suicide survivor
Unfathomable Love: The only HEALTHY coping mechanism, without whom she would be a basket case..

Every seventeen minutes, someone somewhere, chooses death by self murder. In the wake of this horrific decision, other people are left to cope with the ripples. Kimberly Wallace lost her husband to suicide. The author presents her very personal experience of bereavement, grief reactions and various ways of coping.

This is a recovery book that will provide encouragement and support for survivors and those that love them. Examining the complex emotions involved in grieving a suicide death, readers will come to realize they are not alone in their grief and will not be alone in their healing. The message is that it is important to share ones experience of survival with others and encourage other survivors to overcome the perceived stigma or shame associated with suicide and seek support from self help, group therapy and friends.