Thursday, January 1, 2015

Dance with Delusion

December 31, 2014
New Year's Eve

Today was my wedding anniversary-This is truly one of the most difficult days in my life. The other is the anniversary of my husband's suicide...
Shockingly, this holiday season has been the most difficult since my husband Rob killed himself... I received this revelation: The first year Rob was dead, I was so numb and in shock that I didn't really feel anything even though I felt like I was feeling so much. Last year, my second Christmas without my husband, I was in Uganda doing ministry. This year has truly been a year of mourning. Grief is the loss, mourning is the remembering... I have had a lot of time to be present and think about my memories and the past with my late husband... And so, I have felt EVERYTHING, in the painof my grief...

Somehow, I had this false belief that I should be OVER my grief for the suicidal loss of my husband. I do know that God uses all things, ALL THINGS, for His good and His glory... I don't know what that looks like yet... But I'm willing and I make myself available to the Father...

Dance of Delusion

"I caught myself dancing with the delusion
that grief no longer gripped my heart
As if to erase claim to this lie
Deep tears wailed from the depths
of the bowels of my being
unwanted, pouring forth, unrelenting
through the aching loss of my soulmate,
my spirit that misses the silver thread
that once bound our lives together
now replaced with threads of hope
somewhere amongst the echoes
of the silent halls of my imagination,
are memories of us once lived..."

Kimberly Wallace 12/26/14