My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob`s suicide. I believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something other than self murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally I replay over and over whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father.
I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month. I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don`t understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do not understand it experientially.
On my way home from a session with a client yesterday, I just started crying, heaving, sobbing, painful tears, seemingly for no reason. They wouldn't stop. This scared me. I pulled into my garage and stayed in my car and cried, painful, heart wrenching, tears. My soul cried. My heart rended a loss that I can`t put into words. I think I stayed in my car for an hour. I didn't want to depress or scare my roommate. She ended up having a friend over at the house. I fixed us all soup for dinner. Her friend was lamenting about her job, and suddenly I began prophesying over her. Very strange. And yet, it was definitely a Word from God to this young woman. I could sense and feel it.
I find that it is difficult compartmentalizing my pain and emotions and separating them from my every day schedule. It doesn't work to compartmentalize, even when I try, lately. Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down my cheeks as I write.