Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Letting go of what might have been...

This past Sunday evening on September 18,  2016 around 10 o'clock in Uganda, with some VERY dear friends, at long last I carried out an extremely difficult task.

On the side of a hill overlooking Lake Victoria under the moon and stars, we spoke about Rob in hushed tones in the silence of the night and remembered him well...

We remembered his sense of humor. We remembered his passion. We remembered his Kenny G, Holy Ghost saxophone playing. We remembered what an amazing man he was when he was in his right mind. We remembered how much we loved him...

At first tears were skant because of laughter and remembering beautiful memories... And then rivlets of tears began to flow as I said goodbye to my marriage and the past that I once shared with Rob. It was time to let go of and say goodbye, to all the hopes and dreams that might've been, in our once hopeful future...

I shared some of the very dark times right after my husband's suicide... How there were times that I momentarily believed the lies of the enemy -  that if I would have, could have, should have, done a multitude of many things, he might be alive today. Those were fleeting lies running along the silent halls of my imagination... I have cast them down!

I have spread the remainder of my late husband's ashes in a world and country that he loved dearly, at the base of a Muvule tree, under a waning moon.

Most of Rob's ashes are interred with his mother and father in Kelowna Canada; while some of his ashes went floating down a creek in Portland Oregon at McMenamin's brewery and event center... Kelowna was where he grew up, Oregon is where we met and married and Uganda was one of the most favorite places in his world...

My heart still aches for the unrequited love his suicidal death can never quell. Four and a half years later, I still miss him with my whole being...

Friday, August 12, 2016

It was the end of a very long, amazing, wonderful day... A very very dear dear friend, actually one of my closest friends, gave me a prophetic word tonight about my trip to Africa. She said that I would come back from this mission trip with a greater sense of security than I ever had before Rob killed himself.

As she spoke,  this deep guttural wail came out of me, I couldn't stop...  The  wail  was so deep that it hurt the top of my head as I cried. I have not wailed like that since I found my husband hanging from his neck, on the side of our house, or since his memorial.

There are some of you  that don't know this; since my husband's suicidal death, I have become insecure. As a matter fact, I have never felt this level of insecurity in my entire life!  Before I came to the Lord, I was confident in my competency.  When I became born again, I was confident because of my confidence in Christ Jesus.

When it comes to surviving the suicidal death of a spouse, there's this sense of incompetency on some level, because of the great depth of rejection, that comes through suicide. In my logical, clinical mind  and in my spirit, I know that it's not true that I could have prevented his suicide.  However, the emotional part of me doesn't always get that.

I have said this so many times before, that grief and mourning are nonlinear! Just because you do A, B, C and D the next step is not necessarily E & F.

A well-meaning sensitive woman of God, in her merciful heart, was trying to take me through some very basic inner healing steps in the midst of my wailing grief. I stopped her and explained that grief and mourning are very different than any other aspect of inner healing. Grief is so nonlinear you cannot pack it up and put it into a nice neat box. I asked her to allow me to acknowledge the pain and walk through this process.

Thank you Lord in your Infinite Wisdom, you allowed my grief and mourning to stir up, so that I could release the pain and come into a greater Saving Grace knowledge of Hope for healing this indescribable, inconceivable, unfathomable journey of redefinition...

Saturday, July 16, 2016

My 60th Birthday Revelation

I was so excited about my 60th birthday party!!! We had a great venue and my friends were generous with their time and love in helping prepare for this big party.

The day arrived, a blazing hot Sunday morning. Father's day. Some dearly-loved friends journeyed from out of town and together we moved tables and chairs and sound equipment to the beautiful location of my party.

We arrived at the venue with other friends already there preparing, organizing and creating great atmosphere for the party to come... As we were all bustling about busy with the many things needing to be done, quite suddenly an odd feeling hit my heart.

Overwhelming feelings totally and completely sideswiped me. Where was this coming from? As the emotions rose like a wave,  breaking on the shores of my heart, tears began to choke up in my throat and pour forth from my eyes. No! This can not be happening. This is my big day that I've been so excited about and waiting for... This was a milestone in my life, the big 60!

I had to keep busy. I could not stop for a single moment. If I stopped, I felt I would surely burst into a river of tears that might never end. I became so focused on cooking and preparing food, that my close friends were concerned I was not spending time with my more than 60 guests at the party.

Towards the end of the night as we were cleaning up from the party a very dear friend burst out in tired frustration and anger, yelling at me and then walking away. I chased after her, needing to have closure to this outburst. As we loudly talked through our feelings and her accusation of my being controlling, I realized the emotion I was feeling and had not labeled until then, was anger. I was angry at my late husband Rob! I was angry all over again, that my husband had removed himself from our marriage and from my life, through suicide. He missed my 60th birthday. We had often talked about our bucket list of things that we would have accomplished by our 60th birthdays together. That was it.  This was a milestone in OUR lives that we had talked about, planned for and hoped would be wonderful times together... Rob was not here. I had to experience this without my beloved husband.

My heart was aching with the tears of unrequited love that only suicide can cause. Why was I not prepared for this? As a counselor, I was thinking, why was this not obvious to me?  This was a milestone, a major milestone in my life, and I was not prepared for this!

I have walked through the journey of grief, and the non-linear journey of mourning of my husband's suicidal death. Now, having experienced this level of anger, a different season of mourning, I sometimes wonder, will I ever get through this? And tears well up in my throat, as I ask myself this question.

Softly the brush of a whispered voice of words to my spirit from my heavenly Father pours like warm oil over my soul: "You are mine and I am yours. Nothing, nothing, nothing, can separate you from MY love. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. This too shall pass..."

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Old things are passed away

Attempting to get rid of
the old
to make way for the new...

Getting stuck in places
I haven't revisited
since before my late husband's suicidal death.

Becoming momentarily
paralyzed emotionally
as I find bits of pieces of paper with writings, musings and thoughts
that Rob had written
so many years ago...

I discover that
I don't think I will ever
stop missing
my dearest belated husband...
my heart is still
so broken for him...

Monday, April 11, 2016

My own idea of grief

I had my own idea of GRIEF, before my personal experience of it. I thought it was the time of sadness that followed the death of someone you love. I believed you HAD to push through it to get to the other side.

After 4 years of GRIEVING my late husband's suicidal death, I'm learning there is NO OTHER SIDE. There is NO PUSHING THROUGH. There is adjustment to and acceptance of - your life changes. And GRIEF IS NOT SOMETHING you complete, but rather, you ENDURE.

GRIEF IS NOT a task to finish well and move on from. It is an element of yourself facing an alteration of every aspect of your being. It is experiencing a REDEFINING of self.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Silver Thread


Like a sliver that eventually
finds its way back to the surface
after being buried deep;
waves of time wash over
the darkness of grief
and fragments of healing
somehow find themselves
in the deepest of wounds.
Bewilderment mourned
by unrequited answers
and rivers of tears.
In the cold hardness of death
the arms of my heavenly Father
wrapped this shattered heart
with a foreign compassion
celebrating relational being
of new and intimate love
transforming reforming
this once black and white life
into water colored winged dreams 

Kimberly Anne Wallace © January 28, 2016

Remembering when I was first a widow​, I made most decisions from numbness, fear, anger and loneliness. Across oceans of healing to the current moment I discover I am able to make decisions from a place of peace, love and joy... no more fear!