Friday, February 28, 2014

Upcoming anniversary (3/10/12) of my husband's suicide

"The journey towards wholeness is one of grace and one of often painful transitions. But wholeness can not only be the fruit of a personal focus, wholeness is communal. It's the fruit of open receiving and gracious giving.

Our journey must be one of union with God, moving ever closer into the heart and purposes of God. This movement in and towards God draws us ever more deeply into seeking to be God's healing hands towards others.

Wholeness is the fruit of holiness, which issues in giving gifts of healing... " - from the Desert Fathers *Anthony

I've been praying and contemplating on the upcoming second year anniversary of my husband Rob's suicidal death. 

I am thankful that the Father has brought me through so many levels of healing and has brought me into a greater level of wholeness through losing my husband. My journey of grief is not yet quite finished... If given the chance to change my journey, I would not choose a different path.  There has been a gentle spiritual beauty of strength that has grown out of my painful brokeness in this grief. And yet, I would not wish this journey upon anyone else.

"If tears are still shed in heaven, then carry my tears to the feet of God." - Giuseppe Verdi

Monday, February 17, 2014

Coming home

I have been home for a few weeks, from my first international ministry trip since my husband's suicidal death.
There were many things extremely difficult preparing for this trip that I somehow did not expect. Like closing the house up, shutting things off, dealing with the utilities, phone bills and what not. These were things my husband Rob would take care of. 

The trip itself was good, though it was overshadowed at times by several emotional hiccups. This was a relatively short trip for me, only about 3 months long. Usually my trips are 4 to 6 months long. I felt good being busy doing life, doing ministry, doing what my passion is!  

Coming home was  extremely difficult. Because for me, this was the first time coming home from an international ministry trip since Rob's death.

Coming Home
"There are moments 
when it seems I'm able
to breath again
though my chin
is barely above water
Mourning softly elbows 
me with emotions
temporarily throwing me
off kilter
memories creep in 
stealing my present
I' ve become intentionally wary
protecting my future
ALL my tomorrows
with LIVING my life today"

© 02-17-14 Kimberly Anne Wallace

I still struggle with tears from time to time. I wish the tears wouldn't flow so often. But I know this is an integral part of the healing journey through  grief, as a survivor of suicide.

I am reminded over and over and over and over again. It's okay to have tears, it's okay to feel feelings, its okay to remember the pain, love, sorrow and the joy. 

Breath to live.