Saturday, December 26, 2015

Sometimes there are no words

Christmas eve, I got thrown for a loop... I received a phone call from someone I've known and done ministry with in the past. I had not spoken to this person in at least five years. They called to let me know they were back in the US and to wish Rob and I a Merry Christmas. He continued to update me and then asked if he could speak with Rob...

I got all choked up inside. I was in shock, disbelief and dismay as I realized he did not know that my husband had passed away. So I had to tell him that Rob committed suicide, March 10th of 2012. I heard this long deep wale come through my cell phone as he stiltedly apologized for not knowing and my spirit responded to his spirit with tears that welled up in my eyes.

This man had just come back from Africa, two weeks ago. He was utterly shaken by the fact that Rob was dead. He wanted to know how "IT" had happened, as if not calling it suicide would somehow make it seem less real. I told him that Rob had hung himself and I was the one that found him hanging by his neck from the side of our home. This man that called to wish me Merry Christmas, was in total and complete shock. He said he was sorry, and that he would stay in touch. I hung up the phone.

Dazed, from what seemed a surreal moment in time, I went back into the house amidst merrymaking of Christmas Eve... People enjoying good food and sharing life and love, children laughing and tearing open Christmas gifts. My friends noticed that something was off kilter with me and asked what the phone call was about. I couldn't articulate what had just happened. Tears that I had tried to hold back spilled forth, down my cheeks.

Sometimes words don't form, only tears... My life was shaken once again as I was overcome with this deep dirge of grief... In this moment I wonder, will these waves of gentle pain ever stop? Oh FATHER how I need you, I NEED you now, I NEED YOU NOW, Lord...

Friday, August 14, 2015


"Silly me, crying at a movie along with Clive Owen in "The Boys are Back". He's crying because he lost his wife to cancer; I'm crying because I lost my husband to suicide. The waves of heart ache, the streams of tears. Life seems so surreal. I remember well meaning, good hearted people constantly questioning. Are you okay? What is better for you?
How can I help you? You will call me if you need anything, won't you? Is this the best for you?

How does one begin to answer any of those questions? I have to stop and ask myself that question, How am I? I ponder. Then I realize I'm not doing so hot right now. Then I burst into tears. I want to trade in my reality, because I still long for the man who was once my husband, whom I loved. Since his suicide, Rob has never appeared to me, as an apparition. Not like in the movies: A ghost like character appears to the living loved one left behind, giving them directives or hope. I have never received this from my dead husband... I miss him. Rob, I miss you..." excerpt from "Indescribable" by Kimberly Wallace

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Excerpt from: Women at War: Rise Up

Excerpt from the book "Indescribable" by Kimberly Anne Wallace in "Women at War: Rise Up, Be Restored and Embrace God's Mandate for Your Life" by Delaine Allen (Chapter 7: The Battle at Your Gates)

Buy the book here:…/B00W5QRSH0/ref=redir_mobile_desktop…

"I first met Kimberly at a training event. Kimberly is the type of person who would be difficult to not like. An enthusiastic little bundle of energy with her spikey hairstyle and contagious smile, she was usually one of the first people to jump into a new activity. I wouldn’t have guessed she had just gone through the traumatic experience that she did, or that at that moment she was going through such a battle of faith. Only six months earlier, Kimberly arrived home one evening to something that threw her life into a tailspin. Kimberly shares with us from her upcoming book (29) - Kimberly Wallace, Indescribable © Kimberly Wallace  2013, use by permission: 

It was Saturday night March 10, 2012, I had been at church conducting a missions meeting during the Saturday evening service. I returned home, but could find my husband nowhere in the house, though his car was home. I called a friend and spiritual daughter wondering if she and her then-boyfriend (now husband) had gone to dinner with him. No, they hadn’t seen him that night. 

I called one of my spiritual sons who also lived with us, asking him if he was with Rob. No, he wasn’t. We continued to talk on the phone as I walked into the office. Rob wasn’t there. I went upstairs to check our bathroom and bedroom, Rob wasn’t there. I noticed a sheet of paper on my side of the bed. I was still talking to my son on the phone. I picked up and immediately I knew it was a suicide letter. I screamed into the phone, “I’ve found a suicide letter.”I ran downstairs and immediately ran outside to the backyard and I saw him hanging by his neck, from the side of our house. Through my tears I asked my son to come as soon as possible, and then I called the police.
I had to cut him down from his noose he tied to our balcony on the side of the house. I remember I couldn't find scissors to cut the rope. I remember screaming, "You will live and not die!" over and over and over, attempting to raise him from the dead, until I was finally able to cut him down. I couldn't breathe too well right then. I thought, Lord give me your peace that passes all my own understanding, as only you can do. 

In the aftermath of the tragedy, Kimberly tried to make sense of things as she went through a grieving process. Besides the loss of her husband, leaving her widowed at a young age, there was the suddenness at which it happened –no goodbyes could be said, confusion and anger at why her husband would choose to take his own life, anger and frustration at being left with financial difficulties, and deep loneliness. Kimberly pressed on to live even during the process. She didn’t quit living, yet she had to depend deeply on the Lord in her pain. 

Even a year later, around the anniversary of Rob’s death, Kimberly found herself to be emotionally vulnerable as reminders of that night resurfaced. On her way home from a meeting one evening, as she waited at a stop light, a fleet of emergency vehicles zoomed through the intersection –5 police cars, EMS, and a fire engine, lights flashing lights and sirens screaming. Emotions welled up within Kimberly and she sobbed on the phone to her friend. She caught herself apologizing to her friend for crying, despite her grief counselor having told her, “Don’t apologize for your feelings or emotions, because it only minimizes or negates them.”Around the time of the anniversary marker, Kimberly writes: 

My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob ` s suicide. I believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something other than self-murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally, I replay over and over whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father. 

I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month, I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don’t understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do not understand it experientially. 

Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down my cheeks as I write. I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in asking why Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep reminding myself, that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob, He must be just as much toward me... 

I had been seemingly on an even kilter for what seemed a fair amount of time. Yet, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began. I got up to pray, and all I could do was cry. Memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5: 30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit. 

I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar. The memories are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing waters. 

I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears; his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption.

There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind. Especially security. In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but also all financial security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off. Many of my relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid life-long friends don't call or can hardly bear to spend time with me or look me in the eyes. I own my part, in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on others' coattails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could not ask for. This doesn't work. 

I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantle of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you, God that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone! 

We have dared to share Kimberly’s story, even while she is still in the healing process. Kimberly could have given up on life and on her faith, but she didn’t. The enemy would have liked her to give up. For some reason, which we will likely never know this side of heaven, Rob was unable to lay hold of his victory. The enemy would like to have turned that into a message of defeat for Kimberly, too. But Kimberly has chosen the way of courage. Courage isn’t a demonstration of personal invincibility. Rather, it is throwing one’s self completely on the Lord our Rock, looking to His presence and Word for salvation in the midst of difficult circumstances, even while being humble enough to adjust anything that hinders the restoration process. Kimberly is in no way at fault for the tragedy she found herself in the midst of, even as you are not at fault for the assaults that have broadsided you. Yet, the Lord will teach us how to depend on Him alone, as He is the only One who can heal our wounds and give us strength to stand. 

Kimberly is one of the bravest women I have met in her pursuit to overcome by the presence of God. Her words, as she tells her story, don’t begin to reveal the cheerful kindness evident in her personality as she interacts with other people, and presses on in her ministry work. Her story isn’t complete yet, and she has already become an encouragement to so many other people as she moves forward past the discouragement that has attempted to take her out. 

Psalm 27: 13-14 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD"

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Sometimes when it rains

My heart aches today from missing my beloved husband, Rob.

Sometimes when it rained, we would snuggle in bed, his arms firmly wrapped around me, I felt so loved and safe... Other times we would sit in our music room, listening to the rain and he would serenade me on his soprano sax just for me...just for ME! He rocked my world when he played for me... He was a Holy Ghost Kenny G sax player...

In the gentle sound of the rain, I am missing you so very much Rob...

Friday, May 22, 2015

Will I ever stop missing him?

I came home tonight for the first time, completely alone. Not even my dog Little-Bit, was home. I kept busy doing some little things around the house and decided to go through a basket filled with cards, that I found openly hidden on a counter... I didn't really pay attention to what was in the basket. I sat down and began to go through them. As I looked at the cards,  I  realized this was "the" basket of condolence cards, from my husband's memorial. I have not been able to look at them, nor have I been able to make myself look at them, since Rob's memorial. Hmm, over three years...

At first I went through the basket, with a bit of curiosity. I could feel the deep sympathy that people attempted to share; in my husband's suicidal death. As I looked from card to card, I came across a sign-in list of those that came to my husband's memorial. As my eyes read names, grazing from page to page, to page to page, the tears started to flow. Wow! I certainly didn't expect this. How does this happen?! By now, I should be over this... Right??!

These past few months, I began to feel like I was coming out from underneath the fog of grief and mourning.  Yet tonight, such a simple act and  BAM! Sideswiped! Tears, soft, gentle, sobbing, Tears of love, missing Rob. I know I will never stop loving him. I wonder though, if I will ever stop missing him?

Friday, March 6, 2015

3rd Anniversary of my husband's suicide...

I have been working on my book, "Indescribable" (journey of a survivor of suicide). Last night I needed some content and specific details for this one chapter that I'm working on - and so, I watched Rob's Memorial... What was I thinking?!! Tomorrow, Saturday, is the day he committed suicide and March 10th is the date... I must have been momentarily out of my mind... Needless to say, I was unable to take any notes because I could do nothing but sob.

Thank you again Pastor Francis and Suzie for so steadfastly standing with me emotionally and spiritually at this time in my life... 

And a huge THANK YOU (I can never repay you enough for your love, hugs, laughter and tears) to my faithful FRIENDS... You know who you are! If you know me well, you know that I do not have a plethora of friends... Grief and mourning kind of changes your social life... Especially when you're not the least bit sanguine and extremely serious and deeply intense to start with!!!

I am not complaining about the loss of friendships since Rob's suicide. I'm being painfully aware and transparent about the fact that I don't have the emotional energy to invest in relationships. The friendships that I have been blessed with, are because of the outreach of others towards me. I so greatly appreciate those of you who have reached out towards me and loved me well in the midst of my grief and mourning. I don't deserve your love. You have modeled Jesus Christ's unconditional extravagant love towards me.

All that said, I am reaching out to each and everyone of you and asking for your prayers and love to cover me tomorrow and on March 10th as I attempt, sometimes tearfully, to remember Rob well. His choice of suicide does not define who he was or the legacy he left behind.

I do not apologize for my tears. Instead I recognize the grace you walk towards me in, when you see me cry and you don't tell me "It's going to be OK" or you don't ask me to "stop crying"... You have been Jesus Christ incarnate for me, on this catastrophic traumatic journey of being a survivor of suicide.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

What is your story?

What is your story? What is the hardest thing you have had to walk through? I realized that I will never get over my husband Rob's suicidal death, but I will get through it... Only with the hand of God upon my life!

With the anniversary of my husband's suicidal death coming up on March 10th, a month away, the lyrics in this song have been moving my heart to tears... The enemy tries to throw me back into that darkness, attempting to get me to believe lies... But I know the truth: Rob left me and God loves me even more... The enemy will not prevail!!!

"Need You Now" (How Many Times) by Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God,
I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you.
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

I'll never see you again

My heart continues to break at the sadness, not understanding... All the understanding in this world cannot change what Rob has done... 

March 10th will be the third anniversary of Rob's suicide... I covet your prayers as this time draws near its course to this deeply tragic, traumatic event, that has redefined my life...

There are those who say
It's time to let you go 
Your voice fades
In the busy-ness of my day
Grief overwhelms physically
When I cannot remember
Your arms of love around me
Tears overflowing
Fighting, knowing,
I'll never see you again
Fragile with memories
Your life left behind
Drowning in these pools of pain

My Heavenly Father
He lifts my chin above water
He keeps the fire from consuming
His arms are here in the darkness
He holds me in his compassion
I am in his faithful grip
Fragile with memories
Your life left behind
Drowning in these pools of pain 
He catches my tears overflowing
Fighting, knowing
I'll never see you again

Kimberly Wallace @ February 12, 2015

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Dance with Delusion

December 31, 2014
New Year's Eve

Today was my wedding anniversary-This is truly one of the most difficult days in my life. The other is the anniversary of my husband's suicide...
Shockingly, this holiday season has been the most difficult since my husband Rob killed himself... I received this revelation: The first year Rob was dead, I was so numb and in shock that I didn't really feel anything even though I felt like I was feeling so much. Last year, my second Christmas without my husband, I was in Uganda doing ministry. This year has truly been a year of mourning. Grief is the loss, mourning is the remembering... I have had a lot of time to be present and think about my memories and the past with my late husband... And so, I have felt EVERYTHING, in the painof my grief...

Somehow, I had this false belief that I should be OVER my grief for the suicidal loss of my husband. I do know that God uses all things, ALL THINGS, for His good and His glory... I don't know what that looks like yet... But I'm willing and I make myself available to the Father...

Dance of Delusion

"I caught myself dancing with the delusion
that grief no longer gripped my heart
As if to erase claim to this lie
Deep tears wailed from the depths
of the bowels of my being
unwanted, pouring forth, unrelenting
through the aching loss of my soulmate,
my spirit that misses the silver thread
that once bound our lives together
now replaced with threads of hope
somewhere amongst the echoes
of the silent halls of my imagination,
are memories of us once lived..."

Kimberly Wallace 12/26/14