Saturday, December 26, 2015

Sometimes there are no words

Christmas eve, I got thrown for a loop... I received a phone call from someone I've known and done ministry with in the past. I had not spoken to this person in at least five years. They called to let me know they were back in the US and to wish Rob and I a Merry Christmas. He continued to update me and then asked if he could speak with Rob...

I got all choked up inside. I was in shock, disbelief and dismay as I realized he did not know that my husband had passed away. So I had to tell him that Rob committed suicide, March 10th of 2012. I heard this long deep wale come through my cell phone as he stiltedly apologized for not knowing and my spirit responded to his spirit with tears that welled up in my eyes.

This man had just come back from Africa, two weeks ago. He was utterly shaken by the fact that Rob was dead. He wanted to know how "IT" had happened, as if not calling it suicide would somehow make it seem less real. I told him that Rob had hung himself and I was the one that found him hanging by his neck from the side of our home. This man that called to wish me Merry Christmas, was in total and complete shock. He said he was sorry, and that he would stay in touch. I hung up the phone.

Dazed, from what seemed a surreal moment in time, I went back into the house amidst merrymaking of Christmas Eve... People enjoying good food and sharing life and love, children laughing and tearing open Christmas gifts. My friends noticed that something was off kilter with me and asked what the phone call was about. I couldn't articulate what had just happened. Tears that I had tried to hold back spilled forth, down my cheeks.

Sometimes words don't form, only tears... My life was shaken once again as I was overcome with this deep dirge of grief... In this moment I wonder, will these waves of gentle pain ever stop? Oh FATHER how I need you, I NEED you now, I NEED YOU NOW, Lord...