Thursday, March 7, 2013

Possible excerpt for the book - March 7, 2013

March 7, 2013

Last night, on my way home from a meeting while on the phone with a friend and sitting at a stop light, 5 police cars with flashing lights and sirens zoomed through the red light, then an EMT vehicle and a fire engine also ran the red light. This triggered deep emotions within me regarding,  Rob's suicide. Not only did I get choked up, the tears began to flow, and I cried. I realized that I was apologizing to my friend for crying. And I was reminded, (previously by my wonderful grief counselor): Don't apologize for my feelings or emotions, because this minimizes or negates them. Rather, thank the person I am with for listening and allowing me to experience the grief. I did not remember to do this with my friend on the phone. I kept apologizing.

I got to the house and my roommate could clearly see that I'd been crying and asked what was wrong. I tried to share what had just happened as best as I could, in between the choking sobs. She came and hugged me and just held me and reminded me that I was not alone. That felt really good.

Not long after, as I was attempting to process my emotions, I got teary eyed all over again because I couldn't remember specific incidences clearly in my mind from "the night" of finding Rob after he had murdered himself. I called my spiritual son.  The one who had been on the phone with me, "the night" I had discovered Rob had committed suicide. I was desperate to remember specific details. He shared as best as he could, while dealing with his sick two year old... I cried some more.

Through this I realized yet again, how many ways this experience has redefined not only my life but many of my relationships. I was thinking of one in particular , where the relationship got broken in the midst of my grief only two short months to the day, after Rob's suicide. I know I said some stupid things (in particular I had said, "I can't take your "s!@*t" tonight) in the midst of my pain. One thing I remember, none of us walked in God's grace towards each other. For this I am sorry and have been, for all this time.

I'm sure there are many other circumstances where I have done similar things, repeatedly. I ask a forgiveness from all those who, in my moments of grief and pain, when I may have done or said something to, seemingly insensitive or inappropriate. Please forgive me.

Then I called another spiritual son, for more clarity on the events that happened "the night" I discovered Rob dead. Mostly he listened as I verbally processed and jabbered on (and on and on), blew my nose several times, and cried lots of tears trying to piece together what had happened that night. I caught myself apologizing for crying and instead thanked him for listening and being there for me. I asked a few questions and he responded.

I recognized this. This was pain. This was grief. Oh, the pain in my heart... The pain in my soul. There is still such a deep rending wound, that has not fully healed... I cried more tears. Allot more tears.

03-07-13 © Kimberly Anne Wallace

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