Thursday, March 14, 2013

Honest Emotional Truth

Emotional Truth

My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob`s suicide. I believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something other than self murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally I replay over and over whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father.

I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month. I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don`t understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do not understand it experientially.

On my way home from a session with a client yesterday, I just started crying, heaving, sobbing, painful tears, seemingly for no reason. They wouldn't stop. This scared me. I pulled into my garage and stayed in my car and cried, painful, heart wrenching, tears. My soul cried. My heart rended a loss that I can`t put  into words. I think I stayed in my car for an hour. I didn't want to depress or scare my roommate. She ended up having a friend over at the house. I fixed us all soup for dinner. Her friend was lamenting about her job, and suddenly I began prophesying over her. Very strange. And yet, it was definitely a Word from God to this young woman. I could sense and feel it.

I find that it is difficult compartmentalizing my pain and emotions and separating them from my every day schedule. It doesn't work to compartmentalize, even when I try, lately. Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down my cheeks as I write.

This emotional pain is agonizing... If it were not for your prayers, and the prayers of others who love me, I would really be in a most horrible place. Thank you for your prayers! I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in asking why Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep reminding myself, that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob, He must be just as much toward me...

Saturday, March 9, 2013

My heart cries

Today Saturday marks the day, tomorrow Sunday marks the date, a year ago, that Rob chose to end his life. This is the biggest and most emotional milestone that I have come across since that traumatic night of finding him hanging from the side of our home. For me, the heavenly Father's unfailing unfathomable love is the only thing that begins to soften the edges of this broken winged soul. As He touched my heart this morning, I was able to write.

My eyes rend unending tears
at missing the sight
of that gentle smile
My ears ring with longing
to hear jokes and quick wit
My mind cries in attempting
to empty itself
of unanswered questions
and unsaid goodbyes
My soul laments
in losing the bonds
of my marriage vows
My spirit soars at half mast
alone on this portion of its journey
My heart cries as I experience
the depths of grief and loss
of my dearly beloved husband

©  03-09-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Thank you Lord for your uplifting hand that directs my peace beyond all my understanding.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Possible excerpt for the book - March 7, 2013

March 7, 2013

Last night, on my way home from a meeting while on the phone with a friend and sitting at a stop light, 5 police cars with flashing lights and sirens zoomed through the red light, then an EMT vehicle and a fire engine also ran the red light. This triggered deep emotions within me regarding,  Rob's suicide. Not only did I get choked up, the tears began to flow, and I cried. I realized that I was apologizing to my friend for crying. And I was reminded, (previously by my wonderful grief counselor): Don't apologize for my feelings or emotions, because this minimizes or negates them. Rather, thank the person I am with for listening and allowing me to experience the grief. I did not remember to do this with my friend on the phone. I kept apologizing.

I got to the house and my roommate could clearly see that I'd been crying and asked what was wrong. I tried to share what had just happened as best as I could, in between the choking sobs. She came and hugged me and just held me and reminded me that I was not alone. That felt really good.

Not long after, as I was attempting to process my emotions, I got teary eyed all over again because I couldn't remember specific incidences clearly in my mind from "the night" of finding Rob after he had murdered himself. I called my spiritual son.  The one who had been on the phone with me, "the night" I had discovered Rob had committed suicide. I was desperate to remember specific details. He shared as best as he could, while dealing with his sick two year old... I cried some more.

Through this I realized yet again, how many ways this experience has redefined not only my life but many of my relationships. I was thinking of one in particular , where the relationship got broken in the midst of my grief only two short months to the day, after Rob's suicide. I know I said some stupid things (in particular I had said, "I can't take your "s!@*t" tonight) in the midst of my pain. One thing I remember, none of us walked in God's grace towards each other. For this I am sorry and have been, for all this time.

I'm sure there are many other circumstances where I have done similar things, repeatedly. I ask a forgiveness from all those who, in my moments of grief and pain, when I may have done or said something to, seemingly insensitive or inappropriate. Please forgive me.

Then I called another spiritual son, for more clarity on the events that happened "the night" I discovered Rob dead. Mostly he listened as I verbally processed and jabbered on (and on and on), blew my nose several times, and cried lots of tears trying to piece together what had happened that night. I caught myself apologizing for crying and instead thanked him for listening and being there for me. I asked a few questions and he responded.

I recognized this. This was pain. This was grief. Oh, the pain in my heart... The pain in my soul. There is still such a deep rending wound, that has not fully healed... I cried more tears. Allot more tears.

03-07-13 © Kimberly Anne Wallace

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Open Invitation!

Dear Loved Ones and Friends,

THIS WEEKEND marks the anniversary of my husband Rob’s suicidal death. It seems amazingly surreal that a whole year has passed since last March 10, 2012. I understand fully, maybe better than most, that life goes on. Many of you paused your busy lives for a while with me, when Rob’s death was still a deep fresh tear in my life.

I LOVE and APPRECIATE each one of you, who took time out of your busy lives, to help fill the gaps of my life that were left in my husband’s death. For me I have not been able to resume my life, “as it were” so to speak, because my life is often met with unintended waves of interrupting pauses and sometimes paralysing emotions. I find, at times, it difficult to do life the way I used to, because of being mesmerized by grief. I discover in these moments of grief, the many facets of my life that Rob filled. Those facets are now left dull, un-shiny or completely empty and I have been unintentionally re-defined by his death.

A NEW FRIEND (also a widow), recently said that I have been loved by Rob and loved him well, because of the gaping holes that I recognize in my life that remain unfilled, no matter the event, activity or love that I’ve experienced, since his death.

I AM REACHING OUT to EACH and EVERYONE of you, and I ask you to pause again with me this March 9 & 10, 2013. If you loved Rob or appreciated him, please take time to pause and remember Rob well, the different facets he may have touched in your lives. Come spend some time with me at my home this weekend, March 9th and 10th. My home will be open from 12 p.m. to 9 p.m. both days.

PLEASE BRING a GLUTEN FREE, DAIRY FREE dish to share! If you are unable to come because of distance, I ask you to remember Rob well, in your thoughts, prayers and ESPECIALLY emails.PLEASE EMAIL ME WITH YOUR THOUGHTS, PRAYERS, PICTURES and MEMORIES, I am putting together a MEMORIAL BOOK dedicated to Rob on shutterfly.

ABOVE ALL, THANK GOD that your loved ones are SAFE and ALIVE.Take the time to tell someone you love, that you appreciate who they are and you love them beyond measure! YOUR LIFE WOULD NOT BE THE SAME WITHOUT THEM TO SHARE IT WTIH...

SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND, I look forward to spending time remembering Rob well with you. (If you need my address, please private message me.)