Thursday, August 15, 2019

August 15, 2019

Taking time out of my ministry and travels in hopes to finish writing this long awaited book! Is it in vain?

It is unbelievable that almost 8 years have passed since Rob's suicidal death. One might presume that the hard tearful grief is over and the time of mourning could be non existent. Not quite...

I have been pouring over written content, attempting to not take things out of timeline or context. In doing so, I feel like someone has put gorilla tape on my scarred wounds, pressed it in place with an iron setting on wool, as if to meld the tape into my very being. In the midst of  this grueling experience of rewrites and editing, the revisited pain has been like ripping the gorilla tape, my skin and my heart off of the depths of my soulful emotional being.

But then, this morning I received this from a friend:

"Good Morning Kimberly,
My cousin posted his 19 year old son committed suicide just 2 months ago and his folks found him. So tragic, so sad, such a loss of his potential.
It was devastating. He dealt with a chemical imbalance, but seemed to have things under control. I just hate Satan and how he lies. I told my cousin about your experience and your book and they said they want a copy. Your pain will bring comfort and healing. God bless you as you continue on this journey to help heal others.
Of course I thought of you and this blog is so good.
Be encouraged to finish your book. Sadly there are too many families who need to hear your words.
Thinking of you today.
Praying for you today."
And so my spirit's consensus is that I MUST push through, slog on and complete this writing...

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Grey clouds ride
on hooves of thunder
sheets of rain
cover early morn
yet daylight prevails
on the breath of dawn
as today's wind
rustles once silent leaves
of the Mvule tree
on the side of a hill
laying claim to peace
in the solace
of a life denied

© November 15, 2018 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Sunday, March 4, 2018


Very recent excerpt from my book - "Indescribable - Beyond Survival":

"I've been here on the Suncoast in Australia just south of Brisbane and  north of Sydney,  enjoying some few days of rest and the beauty that surrounds me here. Walks on the beach, swimming in the ocean, sunset cruises and wonderful times with old and new friends.


I was hit sideways with grief and mourning for my late husband, Rob. I still miss him, immensely... These waves have become so far apart, that when one rolls in, it takes me by surprise.

It's like when you're in the ocean, floating peacefully in the lull of gentle waves. You see and feel the gentle rocking tide. Then seemingly from nowhere, a wave that doesn't look very different, rolls in, breaks over you, and water gets up your nose and in your lungs. The strength of the undertow catches you by surprise, pulling your body down as you tumble and  scrape the sand. It hurts. The sand gets into crevices and places on your body that you can't imagine it could.

I realize after 6 years, I have this delusion, that the grief from my late husband's suicide, will get easier... Don't get me wrong, I am NOT a WALLOWER! I am NOT STUCK in the pain and the grief of my late husband's suicide.

People try to console, and cajole, fearful of the pain and the tears that manifest. But I will tell you this, you don't know what you don't know, until you've walked through the death of a suicide...

It's shocking, because it DOESN'T get easier!   It becomes DIFFERENT..."

The 6th anniversary of Rob's suicidal death is coming up on March 10th. The 1st anniversary of my mother's death is coming up on March 21st. I covet and appreciate your prayers to cover me during this time.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Intro to "Indescribable" the book!

Have you ever loved someone so much, you thought, if you ever lost them it would completely rip your heart out into a million little shards and turn your life so inside out, and upside down that you'd never be able to live without them? And then suddenly, one day they're no longer in your life. They're dead.

At first, the tears, the pain, and the aching in your whole body and soul makes you think: I will never survive this, I will never survive this, I will never survive this!! The swirl of  pain filled emotion envelopes you and you believe nothing, nothing, nothing can ever console you.

That's how I felt when my husband killed himself. I thought I will never never never be able to get through this. Oh God! Will the pain ever stop? Would my heart ever stop feeling so twisted, empty and wrung out and having nothing to hold onto?

I truly did not think I would ever make it through this horrendous nightmare of a traumatic tragedy. But here I am, five years later and I am walking through this with some semblance of sanity and peace. So can you!

©  Kimberly Anne Wallace June 13, 2017

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Letting go of what might have been...

This past Sunday evening on September 18,  2016 around 10 o'clock in Uganda, with some VERY dear friends, at long last I carried out an extremely difficult task.

On the side of a hill overlooking Lake Victoria under the moon and stars, we spoke about Rob in hushed tones in the silence of the night and remembered him well...

We remembered his sense of humor. We remembered his passion. We remembered his Kenny G, Holy Ghost saxophone playing. We remembered what an amazing man he was when he was in his right mind. We remembered how much we loved him...

At first tears were skant because of laughter and remembering beautiful memories... And then rivlets of tears began to flow as I said goodbye to my marriage and the past that I once shared with Rob. It was time to let go of and say goodbye, to all the hopes and dreams that might've been, in our once hopeful future...

I shared some of the very dark times right after my husband's suicide... How there were times that I momentarily believed the lies of the enemy -  that if I would have, could have, should have, done a multitude of many things, he might be alive today. Those were fleeting lies running along the silent halls of my imagination... I have cast them down!

I have spread the remainder of my late husband's ashes in a world and country that he loved dearly, at the base of a Muvule tree, under a waning moon.

Most of Rob's ashes are interred with his mother and father in Kelowna Canada; while some of his ashes went floating down a creek in Portland Oregon at McMenamin's brewery and event center... Kelowna was where he grew up, Oregon is where we met and married and Uganda was one of the most favorite places in his world...

My heart still aches for the unrequited love his suicidal death can never quell. Four and a half years later, I still miss him with my whole being...

Friday, August 12, 2016

It was the end of a very long, amazing, wonderful day... A very very dear dear friend, actually one of my closest friends, gave me a prophetic word tonight about my trip to Africa. She said that I would come back from this mission trip with a greater sense of security than I ever had before Rob killed himself.

As she spoke,  this deep guttural wail came out of me, I couldn't stop...  The  wail  was so deep that it hurt the top of my head as I cried. I have not wailed like that since I found my husband hanging from his neck, on the side of our house, or since his memorial.

There are some of you  that don't know this; since my husband's suicidal death, I have become insecure. As a matter fact, I have never felt this level of insecurity in my entire life!  Before I came to the Lord, I was confident in my competency.  When I became born again, I was confident because of my confidence in Christ Jesus.

When it comes to surviving the suicidal death of a spouse, there's this sense of incompetency on some level, because of the great depth of rejection, that comes through suicide. In my logical, clinical mind  and in my spirit, I know that it's not true that I could have prevented his suicide.  However, the emotional part of me doesn't always get that.

I have said this so many times before, that grief and mourning are nonlinear! Just because you do A, B, C and D the next step is not necessarily E & F.

A well-meaning sensitive woman of God, in her merciful heart, was trying to take me through some very basic inner healing steps in the midst of my wailing grief. I stopped her and explained that grief and mourning are very different than any other aspect of inner healing. Grief is so nonlinear you cannot pack it up and put it into a nice neat box. I asked her to allow me to acknowledge the pain and walk through this process.

Thank you Lord in your Infinite Wisdom, you allowed my grief and mourning to stir up, so that I could release the pain and come into a greater Saving Grace knowledge of Hope for healing this indescribable, inconceivable, unfathomable journey of redefinition...

Saturday, July 16, 2016

My 60th Birthday Revelation

I was so excited about my 60th birthday party!!! We had a great venue and my friends were generous with their time and love in helping prepare for this big party.

The day arrived, a blazing hot Sunday morning. Father's day. Some dearly-loved friends journeyed from out of town and together we moved tables and chairs and sound equipment to the beautiful location of my party.

We arrived at the venue with other friends already there preparing, organizing and creating great atmosphere for the party to come... As we were all bustling about busy with the many things needing to be done, quite suddenly an odd feeling hit my heart.

Overwhelming feelings totally and completely sideswiped me. Where was this coming from? As the emotions rose like a wave,  breaking on the shores of my heart, tears began to choke up in my throat and pour forth from my eyes. No! This can not be happening. This is my big day that I've been so excited about and waiting for... This was a milestone in my life, the big 60!

I had to keep busy. I could not stop for a single moment. If I stopped, I felt I would surely burst into a river of tears that might never end. I became so focused on cooking and preparing food, that my close friends were concerned I was not spending time with my more than 60 guests at the party.

Towards the end of the night as we were cleaning up from the party a very dear friend burst out in tired frustration and anger, yelling at me and then walking away. I chased after her, needing to have closure to this outburst. As we loudly talked through our feelings and her accusation of my being controlling, I realized the emotion I was feeling and had not labeled until then, was anger. I was angry at my late husband Rob! I was angry all over again, that my husband had removed himself from our marriage and from my life, through suicide. He missed my 60th birthday. We had often talked about our bucket list of things that we would have accomplished by our 60th birthdays together. That was it.  This was a milestone in OUR lives that we had talked about, planned for and hoped would be wonderful times together... Rob was not here. I had to experience this without my beloved husband.

My heart was aching with the tears of unrequited love that only suicide can cause. Why was I not prepared for this? As a counselor, I was thinking, why was this not obvious to me?  This was a milestone, a major milestone in my life, and I was not prepared for this!

I have walked through the journey of grief, and the non-linear journey of mourning of my husband's suicidal death. Now, having experienced this level of anger, a different season of mourning, I sometimes wonder, will I ever get through this? And tears well up in my throat, as I ask myself this question.

Softly the brush of a whispered voice of words to my spirit from my heavenly Father pours like warm oil over my soul: "You are mine and I am yours. Nothing, nothing, nothing, can separate you from MY love. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. This too shall pass..."