Thursday, May 15, 2014


Do you know its been over two years since my husband killed himself?  I had been thinking, I've been doing soooo good with the grief, with the mourning, with the remembering, with the anger, with the loss.

Then I got sideswiped, out of nowhere! BAM, SMASH! My heart was torn wide open... I got TOTALLY wiped out, pain poured out overflowing into tears. I got angry with myself, because I didn't understand where this anger came from... It was like a thief in the night... For one moment of darkness I thought, "I have to live with the consequences of my husband's choice choosing to kill himself. I will never be able to get beyond this paralyzing pain and live a glorious life..."

And then the heart of Father God poured over me and He whispered, " You can make the choice to live with these consequences AND choose to change what the enemy meant for evil, turning it to good glorifying My name. You can model for others, ESPECIALLY when the battles are long, arduous and difficult that there is victory and each victory is sweet, each victory is beautiful because, you have chosen to stand in faith and you have chosen to love and honor ME your Abba Father, your Lord and Savior above all else. You must not faint, you must not grow weary. You must continue in your transparency in the midst of your grief. Show others the beauty in grief, that it's okay to grieve, for My heart grieves for this world. You are just beginning to understand the experience of the fellowship of My suffering... I will give you beauty for ashes! Nothing can separate you from My love! I will never leave you or forsake you!"

And so, I have resolved to live the will of my Father...

Thank you Abba Father for your steadfast love! Thank you for giving me the grace to choose even in the face of all that would oppose me, to stand on your promises!