Sunday, August 25, 2013

Today is a new day!

Today is a new day. I have to remind myself to stop "shoulding" on myself... I catch myself thinking I "should" be further along in the mourning process of my husband's suicide and death. I "should" not feel relieved that I'm no longer walking on emotional egg shells. I "should" no longer be crying. I "should" not cry in public. I "should" not feel guilty for enjoying life. I "should", I "should", I "should"...  Instead I MUST thank God and praise God and glorify Him in this process of tears of mourning. I must give myself permission to celebrate my life as it is, not filled with "shoulds", but my life as it is, and not look back at the past. I intentionally and purposely choose to live in the now, with my hope in Jesus and all my tomorrows!!!

Yesterday was such a difficult day for me emotionally with mourning my husband's death. Saturday's have been soooo hard for me to bare... That was THE day I found Rob hanging by his neck on the side of my house. It never ceases to amaze me that sometimes something as simple as the flash of a car, the sound of a song, hearing a saxophone play, the smell of Cinnabon and coffee, can remind me of my husband and send me spinning sideways into tears that don't easily stop. But God!!! His goodness His glory and His delight He finds in me. My joy and my delight can only be found in Him!!!

For those of you both close to me and not so close to me, THANK YOU for allowing my tears and NOT telling me to stop crying and giving me permission to feel the pain in your hugs, your silent but meaningful looks, your sometimes hesitant smiles, and yes, even YOUR tears. I know that I am not the only survivor of Rob's suicide. I have the greatest hope that God's glory will somehow prevail through my life and love of Jesus.

Yes today is a new day! I'm finding therapy (as usual) in cooking Indian butter chicken and Tuscan tri tip for the party tomorrow for Cor and Grace Koelewijn! Cooking is my passion, Jesus is my life!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Cleaning the Office

I was attempting to clean out my husbands office today. I haven't really gone in there much since he committed suicide. Please pray for me- I came across a couple of notepads filled with my husband's words of despair and how he felt like such a fraud. My heart is grieved after reading all the words of hopelessness that Rob wrote.

I want to say right here right now, if you are feeling hopeless reach out to someone and tell them how you're feeling so they can pray for you so their prayers can lift you out of that pit When you are unable to climb out of that pit on your own accord. Jesus will be that helping hand. Jesus will be the knot at the end of that rope that you can hold onto. DO NOT LET THE ENEMY WIN THIS BATTLE OR WIN THIS WAR! WE MUST BE VICTORIOUS BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN THE DEEP SADNESS OR DIFFICULTIES OF OUR LIVES!