Saturday, July 16, 2016

My 60th Birthday Revelation

I was so excited about my 60th birthday party!!! We had a great venue and my friends were generous with their time and love in helping prepare for this big party.

The day arrived, a blazing hot Sunday morning. Father's day. Some dearly-loved friends journeyed from out of town and together we moved tables and chairs and sound equipment to the beautiful location of my party.

We arrived at the venue with other friends already there preparing, organizing and creating great atmosphere for the party to come... As we were all bustling about busy with the many things needing to be done, quite suddenly an odd feeling hit my heart.

Overwhelming feelings totally and completely sideswiped me. Where was this coming from? As the emotions rose like a wave,  breaking on the shores of my heart, tears began to choke up in my throat and pour forth from my eyes. No! This can not be happening. This is my big day that I've been so excited about and waiting for... This was a milestone in my life, the big 60!

I had to keep busy. I could not stop for a single moment. If I stopped, I felt I would surely burst into a river of tears that might never end. I became so focused on cooking and preparing food, that my close friends were concerned I was not spending time with my more than 60 guests at the party.

Towards the end of the night as we were cleaning up from the party a very dear friend burst out in tired frustration and anger, yelling at me and then walking away. I chased after her, needing to have closure to this outburst. As we loudly talked through our feelings and her accusation of my being controlling, I realized the emotion I was feeling and had not labeled until then, was anger. I was angry at my late husband Rob! I was angry all over again, that my husband had removed himself from our marriage and from my life, through suicide. He missed my 60th birthday. We had often talked about our bucket list of things that we would have accomplished by our 60th birthdays together. That was it.  This was a milestone in OUR lives that we had talked about, planned for and hoped would be wonderful times together... Rob was not here. I had to experience this without my beloved husband.

My heart was aching with the tears of unrequited love that only suicide can cause. Why was I not prepared for this? As a counselor, I was thinking, why was this not obvious to me?  This was a milestone, a major milestone in my life, and I was not prepared for this!

I have walked through the journey of grief, and the non-linear journey of mourning of my husband's suicidal death. Now, having experienced this level of anger, a different season of mourning, I sometimes wonder, will I ever get through this? And tears well up in my throat, as I ask myself this question.

Softly the brush of a whispered voice of words to my spirit from my heavenly Father pours like warm oil over my soul: "You are mine and I am yours. Nothing, nothing, nothing, can separate you from MY love. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. This too shall pass..."

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