Friday, August 12, 2016
It was the end of a very long, amazing, wonderful day... A very very dear dear friend, actually one of my closest friends, gave me a prophetic word tonight about my trip to Africa. She said that I would come back from this mission trip with a greater sense of security than I ever had before Rob killed himself.
As she spoke, this deep guttural wail came out of me, I couldn't stop... The wail was so deep that it hurt the top of my head as I cried. I have not wailed like that since I found my husband hanging from his neck, on the side of our house, or since his memorial.
There are some of you that don't know this; since my husband's suicidal death, I have become insecure. As a matter fact, I have never felt this level of insecurity in my entire life! Before I came to the Lord, I was confident in my competency. When I became born again, I was confident because of my confidence in Christ Jesus.
When it comes to surviving the suicidal death of a spouse, there's this sense of incompetency on some level, because of the great depth of rejection, that comes through suicide. In my logical, clinical mind and in my spirit, I know that it's not true that I could have prevented his suicide. However, the emotional part of me doesn't always get that.
I have said this so many times before, that grief and mourning are nonlinear! Just because you do A, B, C and D the next step is not necessarily E & F.
A well-meaning sensitive woman of God, in her merciful heart, was trying to take me through some very basic inner healing steps in the midst of my wailing grief. I stopped her and explained that grief and mourning are very different than any other aspect of inner healing. Grief is so nonlinear you cannot pack it up and put it into a nice neat box. I asked her to allow me to acknowledge the pain and walk through this process.
Thank you Lord in your Infinite Wisdom, you allowed my grief and mourning to stir up, so that I could release the pain and come into a greater Saving Grace knowledge of Hope for healing this indescribable, inconceivable, unfathomable journey of redefinition...