Thursday, September 18, 2014

Really? After two and a half years...

I had a very difficult meeting with this couple from another church (with Pastor Francis' and Pastor Bob's presence and support) last night. Yet God had His way! He's doing a work of humility in me and showing me my own sin in the midst of this... That I was concerned about the splinter in their eyes and not the log in my own eyes...

When I got home, I was still so shaken by the anger that I  felt coming from this man with accusations towards me, that I listened to lies of the enemy: "You are incompetent, You are worthless, who could ever love you, you are responsible for Rob's suicide, you have no friends..." And the lies went on an on and on. I felt SOOO ashamed, I wanted to crawl under a rock and DIE. 

This stirred up memories for me of all the times when Rob would get angry at me for not understanding his pain.I am not the strong person so many people believe that I am. I am weak. I realize now (in my grief process) the anger that has been surfacing lately isn't anger at Rob. I've been angry at myself. Then I had the revelation that for a few moments,  I even believed the lies that somehow if I had done more, been there more, put more people around him... I could have kept Rob from committing suicide,  I have been walking in so much self deception. I was in a very dark moment, wailing with deep pain pouring out of me. Then I had a full blown panic attack... the first one I have had in over 15 years. I threw up, my hands twisted in on themselves so that they were paralyzed temporarily and I couldn't breath... I called out to Jesus Christ for help... I renounced the lies and my sins and asked the Father  forgiveness and I forgave myself and asked for God's mercy and grace. After which I wondered seriously if I was having a mental and emotional break down.

I truly believed that the most difficult time of my grief and mourning was over, until these past few months. The pain has actually seemed greater then when Rob first committed suicide. God showed me that even though I had been working on my grief process, that to cope, I was emotionally numb. The Lord removed the cloak of numbness off of my emotions and I am FEELING even greater pain, grief and loss from the trauma of my husband's suicidal death.

I cannot begin to fathom how anyone could walk through this horrendous journey of healing as a suicide survivor, without Jesus Christ. As my heavenly Father continues to extend new invitations of redemption to me... I receive them with bittersweet tears, thankful that I am not alone...

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