9th Anniversary of Rob's death

Remembering Rob Wallace….

Today, March 12, 2021 marks the 9th anniversary of my late husband’s suicidal death.  The grief is no longer a bottomless pit of pain. Although, there remains a dull ache that echoes in the holes of my heart, once filled by the love of my husband.  The loss remains. 

Did you know that Rob’s favorite place in the whole world, was Uganda? He loved Uganda!  The people, the country, the rain. He loved to play his soprano sax in churches that I ministered in as he ushered in the presence of god. He especially loved the melodic haunting dirges his saxophone made when he played in the rain. Rob would intentionally choose to join me on the “country club” portions (electricity and hot water on demand, porcelain flushing toilets, hotels, expat homes and good food) of my ministry trips to Africa. He didn’t like roughing it… He always left going “up country” or “in the bush” part of my trips for me, alone. 

One of Rob’s greatest desires was to purchase some property and build a home, so that we could retire here in Uganda. He didn’t get to see that desire fulfilled. Somehow, he believed the lie that the anxiety, depression and the emotional pain he experienced, would never go away… He answered yes to the dark seduction of suicide, which stole his hopes and dreams. This pains my heart.

I was remembering, in my mind’s eye, what Rob looked like. His soft eyes, his slightly twisted smile and the little wrinkles around his ears from maintaining his embouchure playing the saxophone. I then tried to hear his voice… the way he called my name when he felt endearing towards me or the way he laughed at his own jokes… Tears welled up in my eyes at the realization, I couldn’t recall what his voice sounded like. I felt a sadness and almost a sense of guilt because I couldn’t hear Rob’s voice in my memories. How could this be?

I am reminded that grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering.  If mourning is the remembering… will I forever mourn?

“Winter” in Uganda

Winds laced with Sahara sand

cloaking the morning sunrise

stealing glorious colors 

normally stretched across the horizon

Instead, a breath like fog

leaves behind 

delusions of rain

shrouding Lake Victoria’s 

picturesque view

with this sense 

of ominous change

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 2021

Morning has Broken

Waking to sounds 

of distant rolling thunder

Smelling pummeling rain 

Cleansing fog like winds 

of sahara dust 

from hills and valleys

leaving sighs 

of green freshness

and pungent red earth…

Oh how I have missed 

Ugandan mornings

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 2021

Letting go of what might have been...

This past Sunday evening on September 18,  2016 around 10 o'clock in Uganda, with some VERY dear friends, at long last I carried out an extremely difficult task.

On the side of a hill overlooking Lake Victoria under the moon and stars, we spoke about Rob in hushed tones in the silence of the night and remembered him well...

We remembered his sense of humor. We remembered his passion. We remembered his Kenny G, Holy Ghost saxophone playing. We remembered what an amazing man he was when he was in his right mind. We remembered how much we loved him...

At first tears were skant because of laughter and remembering beautiful memories... And then rivlets of tears began to flow as I said goodbye to my marriage and the past that I once shared with Rob. It was time to let go of and say goodbye, to all the hopes and dreams that might've been, in our once hopeful future...

I shared some of the very dark times right after my husband's suicide... How there were times that I momentarily believed the lies of the enemy -  that if I would have, could have, should have, done a multitude of many things, he might be alive today. Those were fleeting lies running along the silent halls of my imagination... I have cast them down!

I have spread the remainder of my late husband's ashes in a world and country that he loved dearly, at the base of a Muvule tree, under a waning moon.

Most of Rob's ashes are interred with his mother and father in Kelowna Canada; while some of his ashes went floating down a creek in Portland Oregon at McMenamin's brewery and event center... Kelowna was where he grew up, Oregon is where we met and married and Uganda was one of the most favorite places in his world...

My heart still aches for the unrequited love his suicidal death can never quell. Four and a half years later, I still miss him with my whole being...

My 60th Birthday Revelation

I was so excited about my 60th birthday party!!! We had a great venue and my friends were generous with their time and love in helping prepare for this big party.

The day arrived, a blazing hot Sunday morning. Father's day. Some dearly-loved friends journeyed from out of town and together we moved tables and chairs and sound equipment to the beautiful location of my party.

We arrived at the venue with other friends already there preparing, organizing and creating great atmosphere for the party to come... As we were all bustling about busy with the many things needing to be done, quite suddenly an odd feeling hit my heart.

Overwhelming feelings totally and completely sideswiped me. Where was this coming from? As the emotions rose like a wave,  breaking on the shores of my heart, tears began to choke up in my throat and pour forth from my eyes. No! This can not be happening. This is my big day that I've been so excited about and waiting for... This was a milestone in my life, the big 60!

I had to keep busy. I could not stop for a single moment. If I stopped, I felt I would surely burst into a river of tears that might never end. I became so focused on cooking and preparing food, that my close friends were concerned I was not spending time with my more than 60 guests at the party.

Towards the end of the night as we were cleaning up from the party a very dear friend burst out in tired frustration and anger, yelling at me and then walking away. I chased after her, needing to have closure to this outburst. As we loudly talked through our feelings and her accusation of my being controlling, I realized the emotion I was feeling and had not labeled until then, was anger. I was angry at my late husband Rob! I was angry all over again, that my husband had removed himself from our marriage and from my life, through suicide. He missed my 60th birthday. We had often talked about our bucket list of things that we would have accomplished by our 60th birthdays together. That was it.  This was a milestone in OUR lives that we had talked about, planned for and hoped would be wonderful times together... Rob was not here. I had to experience this without my beloved husband.

My heart was aching with the tears of unrequited love that only suicide can cause. Why was I not prepared for this? As a counselor, I was thinking, why was this not obvious to me?  This was a milestone, a major milestone in my life, and I was not prepared for this!

I have walked through the journey of grief, and the non-linear journey of mourning of my husband's suicidal death. Now, having experienced this level of anger, a different season of mourning, I sometimes wonder, will I ever get through this? And tears well up in my throat, as I ask myself this question.

Softly the brush of a whispered voice of words to my spirit from my heavenly Father pours like warm oil over my soul: "You are mine and I am yours. Nothing, nothing, nothing, can separate you from MY love. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. This too shall pass..."
 

Sometimes there are no words

Christmas eve, I got thrown for a loop... I received a phone call from someone I've known and done ministry with in the past. I had not spoken to this person in at least five years. They called to let me know they were back in the US and to wish Rob and I a Merry Christmas. He continued to update me and then asked if he could speak with Rob...

I got all choked up inside. I was in shock, disbelief and dismay as I realized he did not know that my husband had passed away. So I had to tell him that Rob committed suicide, March 10th of 2012. I heard this long deep wale come through my cell phone as he stiltedly apologized for not knowing and my spirit responded to his spirit with tears that welled up in my eyes.

This man had just come back from Africa, two weeks ago. He was utterly shaken by the fact that Rob was dead. He wanted to know how "IT" had happened, as if not calling it suicide would somehow make it seem less real. I told him that Rob had hung himself and I was the one that found him hanging by his neck from the side of our home. This man that called to wish me Merry Christmas, was in total and complete shock. He said he was sorry, and that he would stay in touch. I hung up the phone.

Dazed, from what seemed a surreal moment in time, I went back into the house amidst merrymaking of Christmas Eve... People enjoying good food and sharing life and love, children laughing and tearing open Christmas gifts. My friends noticed that something was off kilter with me and asked what the phone call was about. I couldn't articulate what had just happened. Tears that I had tried to hold back spilled forth, down my cheeks.

Sometimes words don't form, only tears... My life was shaken once again as I was overcome with this deep dirge of grief... In this moment I wonder, will these waves of gentle pain ever stop? Oh FATHER how I need you, I NEED you now, I NEED YOU NOW, Lord...

Excerpt from: Women at War: Rise Up

Excerpt from the book "Indescribable" by Kimberly Anne Wallace in "Women at War: Rise Up, Be Restored and Embrace God's Mandate for Your Life" by Delaine Allen (Chapter 7: The Battle at Your Gates)

Buy the book here: http://www.amazon.com/…/B00W5QRSH0/ref=redir_mobile_desktop…

"I first met Kimberly at a training event. Kimberly is the type of person who would be difficult to not like. An enthusiastic little bundle of energy with her spikey hairstyle and contagious smile, she was usually one of the first people to jump into a new activity. I wouldn’t have guessed she had just gone through the traumatic experience that she did, or that at that moment she was going through such a battle of faith. Only six months earlier, Kimberly arrived home one evening to something that threw her life into a tailspin. Kimberly shares with us from her upcoming book (29) - Kimberly Wallace, Indescribable © Kimberly Wallace  2013, use by permission: 

It was Saturday night March 10, 2012, I had been at church conducting a missions meeting during the Saturday evening service. I returned home, but could find my husband nowhere in the house, though his car was home. I called a friend and spiritual daughter wondering if she and her then-boyfriend (now husband) had gone to dinner with him. No, they hadn’t seen him that night. 

I called one of my spiritual sons who also lived with us, asking him if he was with Rob. No, he wasn’t. We continued to talk on the phone as I walked into the office. Rob wasn’t there. I went upstairs to check our bathroom and bedroom, Rob wasn’t there. I noticed a sheet of paper on my side of the bed. I was still talking to my son on the phone. I picked up and immediately I knew it was a suicide letter. I screamed into the phone, “I’ve found a suicide letter.”I ran downstairs and immediately ran outside to the backyard and I saw him hanging by his neck, from the side of our house. Through my tears I asked my son to come as soon as possible, and then I called the police.

I had to cut him down from his noose he tied to our balcony on the side of the house. I remember I couldn't find scissors to cut the rope. I remember screaming, "You will live and not die!" over and over and over, attempting to raise him from the dead, until I was finally able to cut him down. I couldn't breathe too well right then. I thought, Lord give me your peace that passes all my own understanding, as only you can do. 

In the aftermath of the tragedy, Kimberly tried to make sense of things as she went through a grieving process. Besides the loss of her husband, leaving her widowed at a young age, there was the suddenness at which it happened –no goodbyes could be said, confusion and anger at why her husband would choose to take his own life, anger and frustration at being left with financial difficulties, and deep loneliness. Kimberly pressed on to live even during the process. She didn’t quit living, yet she had to depend deeply on the Lord in her pain. 

Even a year later, around the anniversary of Rob’s death, Kimberly found herself to be emotionally vulnerable as reminders of that night resurfaced. On her way home from a meeting one evening, as she waited at a stop light, a fleet of emergency vehicles zoomed through the intersection –5 police cars, EMS, and a fire engine, lights flashing lights and sirens screaming. Emotions welled up within Kimberly and she sobbed on the phone to her friend. She caught herself apologizing to her friend for crying, despite her grief counselor having told her, “Don’t apologize for your feelings or emotions, because it only minimizes or negates them.”Around the time of the anniversary marker, Kimberly writes: 

My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob ` s suicide. I believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something other than self-murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally, I replay over and over whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father. 

I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month, I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don’t understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do not understand it experientially. 

Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down my cheeks as I write. I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in asking why Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep reminding myself, that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob, He must be just as much toward me... 

I had been seemingly on an even kilter for what seemed a fair amount of time. Yet, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began. I got up to pray, and all I could do was cry. Memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5: 30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit. 

I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar. The memories are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing waters. 

I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears; his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption.

There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind. Especially security. In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but also all financial security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off. Many of my relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid life-long friends don't call or can hardly bear to spend time with me or look me in the eyes. I own my part, in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on others' coattails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could not ask for. This doesn't work. 

I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantle of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you, God that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone! 

We have dared to share Kimberly’s story, even while she is still in the healing process. Kimberly could have given up on life and on her faith, but she didn’t. The enemy would have liked her to give up. For some reason, which we will likely never know this side of heaven, Rob was unable to lay hold of his victory. The enemy would like to have turned that into a message of defeat for Kimberly, too. But Kimberly has chosen the way of courage. Courage isn’t a demonstration of personal invincibility. Rather, it is throwing one’s self completely on the Lord our Rock, looking to His presence and Word for salvation in the midst of difficult circumstances, even while being humble enough to adjust anything that hinders the restoration process. Kimberly is in no way at fault for the tragedy she found herself in the midst of, even as you are not at fault for the assaults that have broadsided you. Yet, the Lord will teach us how to depend on Him alone, as He is the only One who can heal our wounds and give us strength to stand. 

Kimberly is one of the bravest women I have met in her pursuit to overcome by the presence of God. Her words, as she tells her story, don’t begin to reveal the cheerful kindness evident in her personality as she interacts with other people, and presses on in her ministry work. Her story isn’t complete yet, and she has already become an encouragement to so many other people as she moves forward past the discouragement that has attempted to take her out. 

Psalm 27: 13-14 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD"

What is your story?

What is your story? What is the hardest thing you have had to walk through? I realized that I will never get over my husband Rob's suicidal death, but I will get through it... Only with the hand of God upon my life!

With the anniversary of my husband's suicidal death coming up on March 10th, a month away, the lyrics in this song have been moving my heart to tears... The enemy tries to throw me back into that darkness, attempting to get me to believe lies... But I know the truth: Rob left me and God loves me even more... The enemy will not prevail!!!

"Need You Now" (How Many Times) by Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God,
I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you.
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Utterly Alone

After two and a half years, being a widow has not gotten easier... I have been experiencing extremely dark moments when I feel utterly ALONE... but then I remember these feelings come solely from the enemy.

My life continues to be redefined by the consequences of my husband Rob's choices and his suicide... I choose not to respond hastily to my circumstances, but to act patiently in my relationship with my heavenly Father waiting on His wisdom to direct my steps.

The waiting is hard...

BAM!

Do you know its been over two years since my husband killed himself?  I had been thinking, I've been doing soooo good with the grief, with the mourning, with the remembering, with the anger, with the loss.

Then I got sideswiped, out of nowhere! BAM, SMASH! My heart was torn wide open... I got TOTALLY wiped out, pain poured out overflowing into tears. I got angry with myself, because I didn't understand where this anger came from... It was like a thief in the night... For one moment of darkness I thought, "I have to live with the consequences of my husband's choice choosing to kill himself. I will never be able to get beyond this paralyzing pain and live a glorious life..."

And then the heart of Father God poured over me and He whispered, " You can make the choice to live with these consequences AND choose to change what the enemy meant for evil, turning it to good glorifying My name. You can model for others, ESPECIALLY when the battles are long, arduous and difficult that there is victory and each victory is sweet, each victory is beautiful because, you have chosen to stand in faith and you have chosen to love and honor ME your Abba Father, your Lord and Savior above all else. You must not faint, you must not grow weary. You must continue in your transparency in the midst of your grief. Show others the beauty in grief, that it's okay to grieve, for My heart grieves for this world. You are just beginning to understand the experience of the fellowship of My suffering... I will give you beauty for ashes! Nothing can separate you from My love! I will never leave you or forsake you!"

And so, I have resolved to live the will of my Father...

Thank you Abba Father for your steadfast love! Thank you for giving me the grace to choose even in the face of all that would oppose me, to stand on your promises!

Dear Kay Warren

Dear Kay (Warren),

I have discovered, after two years of grief and mourning of my husband's suicide, how non-linear grief and mourning is... I constantly remember grief is the pain and sorrow of the loss and mourning is the remembering.

I have had to give myself "permission" to have "off" days and I intentionally allow myself to have public tears and thank people for allowing me to experience my grief and mourning uncensored... Or when I have burst into tears and some well meaning person, will come pat me on the back and say, "It's okay, you can stop crying now." I have responded as gently as I was able with "Please allow me to grieve and don't tell me to stop crying." There are others who continue on in well meaning, yet insensitive, unending "positive" words or scriptures and I have responded - "I appreciate your heart, however, all your WORDS makes it impossible for me to cry because I feel like I have to listen to them, and I just can't right now!"

And then there are the oddest times when you least expect it that you just get "blind sided" no matter how well you are doing in the grief with mourning... The waves, they rise and fall, come and go...

I encourage you to remember your son well! I remember my husband well, for who he was and how he loved Jesus and honored God. I do not allow the final decision that he made to color my fond memories of my beloved husband.

"We must always contend for life, personally and with one another. For “In him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the light of men.” When someone has committed suicide, can we unequivocally say they are in Heaven? Sadly, no. That could possibly give license to anyone who was depressed or had despaired of life to take their own life as well. What we can say, is that we will each stand before the Person who has loved us the most, our Creator. We can place anyone who commits suicide in the arms of the One who died on a cross for all sins, even suicide." excerpt from an article Francis Anfuso wrote on my behalf March 13, 2012 just three days after my husband's suicide.

Thank you for your transparency in this most difficult time.

My heart and prayers are with you in your grief and mourning.

Kimberly

In Christ Alone!

I know that seemingly I've been on an even kilter for what seems a fair amount of time now. Yet, a few weeks ago, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began.

I got up to pray, and all I could do was cry. Though I didn't hear Jurgen's guitar and voice harmonized with Debbie's singing or Rob's saxophone playing; the memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5:30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit.

I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar.  The memories are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing waters.

I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears, his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption. There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind. Especially security.

In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but lost all financial security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off.  Many of my relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid life long friends, don't call or can hardly bare to spend time with me or look me in the eyes. I own my part in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on other's coat tails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could not ask for. This doesn't work.

I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantel of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you God, that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone!

Excerpt from "Indescribable" the book! by Kimberly Wallace

Father's Loving Arms

Swirls of emotions
like eddies of water
tumbling over rocks reaching
new unknown obstacles
rolling pouring falling flowing
Nothing seems natural
yet somehow feels right
in the midst of the hardest
most difficult places

Will my hope disappear like
sands of time in the watersmeet
where only jetties are revealed?
Or will this hope beyond hope
crash onto embankments
landing on a sea of green
ebbing through leaves of grass?

Redefined on this perilous journey
by lips of death that kissed my beloved
Discovering unsurity in new insecurities
Would I that I could but rest
floating in the loving arms of my Father
like cleansing bath waters caressing
my wounded soul yet buoyed spirit

©10/29/13 Kimberly Wallace

Cleaning the Office

I was attempting to clean out my husbands office today. I haven't really gone in there much since he committed suicide. Please pray for me- I came across a couple of notepads filled with my husband's words of despair and how he felt like such a fraud. My heart is grieved after reading all the words of hopelessness that Rob wrote.

I want to say right here right now, if you are feeling hopeless reach out to someone and tell them how you're feeling so they can pray for you so their prayers can lift you out of that pit When you are unable to climb out of that pit on your own accord. Jesus will be that helping hand. Jesus will be the knot at the end of that rope that you can hold onto. DO NOT LET THE ENEMY WIN THIS BATTLE OR WIN THIS WAR! WE MUST BE VICTORIOUS BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN THE DEEP SADNESS OR DIFFICULTIES OF OUR LIVES!

Uninvited

Today is my late husband's birthday. It is filled with mixed and warring emotions... But I will NOT yield, as I stand on the solid rock of my Father and His promises...


"attempts turning away from and fending off
uninvited unimaginable sadness and anger
become paralyzing parasitical emotions
blurring boundaries truth and trust once gave

somehow in Christ alone, through mercy and grace
I am able to move forward taking back my life
that has been held hostage and ransomed for death
by the suicidal choice to leave the land of the living

and yet the love of my Father God  pervades in this
torn scourged human heart seeking finding hope
that only Christ’s peace can bring in the tempest
of unanswered questions without ever a goodbye"

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 7-19-13

Castles in the Sand

Thundering echoes of threats
hit my threshold of peace and pain
mixing together like sea water and sand
Each wave new again
yet the rhythm remains the same

Each time the mourning arm of grief
attempts to sabotage moments of joy
I see and hear and feel
my Father’s invitation to redemption
He whispers softly
“Old things are passed away
All things are made new!”

Walking this strange and difficult journey
on the beach of surviving suicide
I discover in this new rising tide
there is the choice to be swallowed up
in the invisible undertow
or surf the wave enjoying the ride

Through His promise and His truth
Each tear is redeemed
Every obstacle becomes an opportunity
Every fear becomes love
and my darkness fades to light

© 07-13-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Anger and Death

This past Saturday night was the first time since my husband's suicide that I went to a social "event" by myself... I went to Shane Grammer's art show in Roseville and to Ben Woodward's concert in Sacramento! Since Rob's death, any social events that I'd been to, I always went with my "kids" and/or friends. Huge breakthrough!!! Very strange feelings though, to arrive and leave alone...

I've been perplexed at the level of anger towards my late husband, that rises up inside of me. My grief counselor says that I must acknowledge the anger, feel it, then let it go. Easy for her to say!

I find it interesting that I have actually allowed myself to feel the anger and then be intentional about not reacting to the anger and TRULY letting it go. Without Jesus Christ, I KNOW that I would be such a basket case and a puddle of mush, unable to do anything in the emotional state that I have been in. My Heavenly Father has been so faithful to catch me in the dark hardness of my failings...

Birthday

With my birthday coming up, I have been missing my husband so very much and been emotionally instrospective... Sometimes I believe that I have moved from the season of grief, (the loss of my husband) into the season of mourning (remembering my husband). However, I have been greatly deceived into assuming, that this season would be less difficult than the season of grief had been. In some ways, it may appear that way to the onlooker, the outsider, as I learn to do life in this new “normal”. I have struggled to get back to a place of “normal” only to discover that the old “normal” has been redefined!

My life is morphing from surrealism into reality somewhere after the numbness of the first six to nine months of Rob’s suicidal death. There are the oddest of things that bring back memories of my late husband, Rob: a song in the middle of a store or on the radio, seeing a silver blue car streak by, the sound of a siren, the smell of: coffee, cinnabons and krispy cream donuts, and so many other things seemingly unrelated, yet ALL bring back memories of Rob. Those memories flood my mind and often take me mentally hostage and physically paralyzed. Grief and mourning is difficult in itself because it is so non-linear. Adding the aftermath of suicide magnifies these emotions and pain…

I have asked the Father: Will I ever get through the depths of this pain? Will it ever get easier? He gently responds to my questions and encourages me to risk the emotion and the pain, by casting them on Him and stepping out in my Faith… I am reminded that I must answer the invitation of redemption Jesus has given and allow Him to redeem this suicidal death that was so indescribably horrendous. This is an opportunity for others that might not have had the experience of life filled with Jesus’ hope to choose life instead of death in the midst of their pain. When a seed dies, life springs forth… There is a choice of life that incrementally changes all the other consequences of the choice of suicide.

I continue to covet your love and prayers as I walk on this journey of honoring God, hoping that I am exhibiting Jesus Christ's unconditional love no matter what I am experiencing...

Honest Emotional Truth

Emotional Truth

My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob`s suicide. I believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something other than self murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally I replay over and over whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father.

I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month. I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don`t understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do not understand it experientially.

On my way home from a session with a client yesterday, I just started crying, heaving, sobbing, painful tears, seemingly for no reason. They wouldn't stop. This scared me. I pulled into my garage and stayed in my car and cried, painful, heart wrenching, tears. My soul cried. My heart rended a loss that I can`t put  into words. I think I stayed in my car for an hour. I didn't want to depress or scare my roommate. She ended up having a friend over at the house. I fixed us all soup for dinner. Her friend was lamenting about her job, and suddenly I began prophesying over her. Very strange. And yet, it was definitely a Word from God to this young woman. I could sense and feel it.

I find that it is difficult compartmentalizing my pain and emotions and separating them from my every day schedule. It doesn't work to compartmentalize, even when I try, lately. Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down my cheeks as I write.

This emotional pain is agonizing... If it were not for your prayers, and the prayers of others who love me, I would really be in a most horrible place. Thank you for your prayers! I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in asking why Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep reminding myself, that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob, He must be just as much toward me...

My heart cries

Today Saturday marks the day, tomorrow Sunday marks the date, a year ago, that Rob chose to end his life. This is the biggest and most emotional milestone that I have come across since that traumatic night of finding him hanging from the side of our home. For me, the heavenly Father's unfailing unfathomable love is the only thing that begins to soften the edges of this broken winged soul. As He touched my heart this morning, I was able to write.


My eyes rend unending tears
at missing the sight
of that gentle smile
My ears ring with longing
to hear jokes and quick wit
My mind cries in attempting
to empty itself
of unanswered questions
and unsaid goodbyes
My soul laments
in losing the bonds
of my marriage vows
My spirit soars at half mast
alone on this portion of its journey
My heart cries as I experience
the depths of grief and loss
of my dearly beloved husband

©  03-09-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Thank you Lord for your uplifting hand that directs my peace beyond all my understanding.

Possible excerpt for the book - March 7, 2013

March 7, 2013

Last night, on my way home from a meeting while on the phone with a friend and sitting at a stop light, 5 police cars with flashing lights and sirens zoomed through the red light, then an EMT vehicle and a fire engine also ran the red light. This triggered deep emotions within me regarding,  Rob's suicide. Not only did I get choked up, the tears began to flow, and I cried. I realized that I was apologizing to my friend for crying. And I was reminded, (previously by my wonderful grief counselor): Don't apologize for my feelings or emotions, because this minimizes or negates them. Rather, thank the person I am with for listening and allowing me to experience the grief. I did not remember to do this with my friend on the phone. I kept apologizing.

I got to the house and my roommate could clearly see that I'd been crying and asked what was wrong. I tried to share what had just happened as best as I could, in between the choking sobs. She came and hugged me and just held me and reminded me that I was not alone. That felt really good.

Not long after, as I was attempting to process my emotions, I got teary eyed all over again because I couldn't remember specific incidences clearly in my mind from "the night" of finding Rob after he had murdered himself. I called my spiritual son.  The one who had been on the phone with me, "the night" I had discovered Rob had committed suicide. I was desperate to remember specific details. He shared as best as he could, while dealing with his sick two year old... I cried some more.

Through this I realized yet again, how many ways this experience has redefined not only my life but many of my relationships. I was thinking of one in particular , where the relationship got broken in the midst of my grief only two short months to the day, after Rob's suicide. I know I said some stupid things (in particular I had said, "I can't take your "s!@*t" tonight) in the midst of my pain. One thing I remember, none of us walked in God's grace towards each other. For this I am sorry and have been, for all this time.

I'm sure there are many other circumstances where I have done similar things, repeatedly. I ask a forgiveness from all those who, in my moments of grief and pain, when I may have done or said something to, seemingly insensitive or inappropriate. Please forgive me.

Then I called another spiritual son, for more clarity on the events that happened "the night" I discovered Rob dead. Mostly he listened as I verbally processed and jabbered on (and on and on), blew my nose several times, and cried lots of tears trying to piece together what had happened that night. I caught myself apologizing for crying and instead thanked him for listening and being there for me. I asked a few questions and he responded.

I recognized this. This was pain. This was grief. Oh, the pain in my heart... The pain in my soul. There is still such a deep rending wound, that has not fully healed... I cried more tears. Allot more tears.

03-07-13 © Kimberly Anne Wallace