Remembering Rob Wallace….
Today, March 12, 2021 marks the 9th anniversary of my late husband’s suicidal death. The grief is no longer a bottomless pit of pain. Although, there remains a dull ache that echoes in the holes of my heart, once filled by the love of my husband. The loss remains.
Did you know that Rob’s favorite place in the whole world, was Uganda? He loved Uganda! The people, the country, the rain. He loved to play his soprano sax in churches that I ministered in as he ushered in the presence of god. He especially loved the melodic haunting dirges his saxophone made when he played in the rain. Rob would intentionally choose to join me on the “country club” portions (electricity and hot water on demand, porcelain flushing toilets, hotels, expat homes and good food) of my ministry trips to Africa. He didn’t like roughing it… He always left going “up country” or “in the bush” part of my trips for me, alone.
One of Rob’s greatest desires was to purchase some property and build a home, so that we could retire here in Uganda. He didn’t get to see that desire fulfilled. Somehow, he believed the lie that the anxiety, depression and the emotional pain he experienced, would never go away… He answered yes to the dark seduction of suicide, which stole his hopes and dreams. This pains my heart.
I was remembering, in my mind’s eye, what Rob looked like. His soft eyes, his slightly twisted smile and the little wrinkles around his ears from maintaining his embouchure playing the saxophone. I then tried to hear his voice… the way he called my name when he felt endearing towards me or the way he laughed at his own jokes… Tears welled up in my eyes at the realization, I couldn’t recall what his voice sounded like. I felt a sadness and almost a sense of guilt because I couldn’t hear Rob’s voice in my memories. How could this be?
I am reminded that grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. If mourning is the remembering… will I forever mourn?
“Winter” in Uganda
Winds laced with Sahara sand
cloaking the morning sunrise
stealing glorious colors
normally stretched across the horizon
Instead, a breath like fog
leaves behind
delusions of rain
shrouding Lake Victoria’s
picturesque view
with this sense
of ominous change
© Kimberly Anne Wallace 2021
Morning has Broken
Waking to sounds
of distant rolling thunder
Smelling pummeling rain
Cleansing fog like winds
of sahara dust
from hills and valleys
leaving sighs
of green freshness
and pungent red earth…
Oh how I have missed
Ugandan mornings
© Kimberly Anne Wallace 2021
