It is now officially March 10th ...
Earlier today (March 9) I realized, I kept myself busy - making lemon marmalade, taking pictures of the snow here in Redding (partial white out - 6 inches of snow), sharing homegrown salad greens (from a friend's greenhouse garden) with a home made meal... And then working on a second batch of lemon marmalade because my 1st batch I messed up badly trying to make it "healthy" by using date sugar. Ugh! It tasted terrible and never jelled! Never mind phone calls and conversations to and from East Africa...
It's 12:35 AM. I should be sound asleep, but I'm wide awake… thinking about my late husband Rob. AND missing him. Still.
There are parts of me that ache from missing Rob so much. His smile, laughter, corny jokes, the way he cared about people and how he played the Holy Ghost filled Kenny G sax. Yet parts of me still gets angry at him for choosing to end his life through suicide. Leaving me to deal with the consequences of his choice. There is that small part of me that sometimes in a great notion, believes the insipid lie - that somehow it was my fault.
I am positive that everyone and I mean EVERYONE is absolutely tired of hearing about the grieving of my husband's suicidal death. I should be over this right?! Shouldn't I!???? This is after all the 11th anniversary of Rob's suicidal death. I am STILL a widow. I don't want to feel the pain of a life unrequited, or the pain from the hole in my heart that sometimes FEELS like a deep chasm. The grand Canyons. The resulting consequences of wind, water and time. The Grand Canyon walls hune from rock. I am sure the beginning process of the creation of one of the seven wonders of the world, didn't start out amazing. But NOW?!!! One of God's masterpieces.
Speaking of masterpieces (great segway), I've been writing some books. One of them is "Survivor of Suicide"; the main content for THE book that I have been "consumed" with writing… Writing has at times been healing, been a friend and yet my nemesis. Through the years there have been times when I've written so much that I can't write anymore. And then there are other times I have total writers block. I freeze, put writing on hold. This book MUST be a literary masterpiece! This is why it is not finished. Or so I tell myself.
Recently, I was having this conversation with God about THE book. He posed this question - Why isn't THE book finished? Of course my response was - THIS book needs to be a masterpiece! GOD'S response to this meek excuse - It does not need to be a masterpiece. I AM the MASTERPIECE! Your book is A piece, meant to help the thousands, even millions of people attempting to survive the suicidal death of a loved one. It's a piece, not THE masterpiece!
Deep! Humbeling. God loves me so much that HE rebukes me with a velvet hammer instead of a machete....
I can authentically say that I have gone beyond being a survivor of suicide. I am fortunate and blessed that I get to bring the Kingdom of God everywhere He sends me and exhibit His Extravagant Unconditional LOVE.
Yes GOD, you are indeed THE Masterpiece!
