Silver Thread

 

Like a sliver that eventually
finds its way back to the surface
after being buried deep;
waves of time wash over
the darkness of grief
and fragments of healing
somehow find themselves
in the deepest of wounds.
Bewilderment mourned
by unrequited answers
and rivers of tears.

In the cold hardness of death

the arms of my heavenly Father

wrapped this shattered heart

with a foreign compassion
celebrating relational being

of new and intimate love

transforming reforming
this once black and white life
into water colored winged dreams 

Kimberly Anne Wallace © January 28, 2016

Remembering when I was first a widow​, I made most decisions from numbness, fear, anger and loneliness. Across oceans of healing to the current moment I discover I am able to make decisions from a place of peace, love and joy... no more fear!

Will I ever stop missing him?

I came home tonight for the first time, completely alone. Not even my dog Little-Bit, was home. I kept busy doing some little things around the house and decided to go through a basket filled with cards, that I found openly hidden on a counter... I didn't really pay attention to what was in the basket. I sat down and began to go through them. As I looked at the cards,  I  realized this was "the" basket of condolence cards, from my husband's memorial. I have not been able to look at them, nor have I been able to make myself look at them, since Rob's memorial. Hmm, over three years...

At first I went through the basket, with a bit of curiosity. I could feel the deep sympathy that people attempted to share; in my husband's suicidal death. As I looked from card to card, I came across a sign-in list of those that came to my husband's memorial. As my eyes read names, grazing from page to page, to page to page, the tears started to flow. Wow! I certainly didn't expect this. How does this happen?! By now, I should be over this... Right??!

These past few months, I began to feel like I was coming out from underneath the fog of grief and mourning.  Yet tonight, such a simple act and  BAM! Sideswiped! Tears, soft, gentle, sobbing, Tears of love, missing Rob. I know I will never stop loving him. I wonder though, if I will ever stop missing him?

What is your story?

What is your story? What is the hardest thing you have had to walk through? I realized that I will never get over my husband Rob's suicidal death, but I will get through it... Only with the hand of God upon my life!

With the anniversary of my husband's suicidal death coming up on March 10th, a month away, the lyrics in this song have been moving my heart to tears... The enemy tries to throw me back into that darkness, attempting to get me to believe lies... But I know the truth: Rob left me and God loves me even more... The enemy will not prevail!!!

"Need You Now" (How Many Times) by Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God,
I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you.
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Really? After two and a half years...

I had a very difficult meeting with this couple from another church (with Pastor Francis' and Pastor Bob's presence and support) last night. Yet God had His way! He's doing a work of humility in me and showing me my own sin in the midst of this... That I was concerned about the splinter in their eyes and not the log in my own eyes...

When I got home, I was still so shaken by the anger that I  felt coming from this man with accusations towards me, that I listened to lies of the enemy: "You are incompetent, You are worthless, who could ever love you, you are responsible for Rob's suicide, you have no friends..." And the lies went on an on and on. I felt SOOO ashamed, I wanted to crawl under a rock and DIE. 

This stirred up memories for me of all the times when Rob would get angry at me for not understanding his pain.I am not the strong person so many people believe that I am. I am weak. I realize now (in my grief process) the anger that has been surfacing lately isn't anger at Rob. I've been angry at myself. Then I had the revelation that for a few moments,  I even believed the lies that somehow if I had done more, been there more, put more people around him... I could have kept Rob from committing suicide,  I have been walking in so much self deception. I was in a very dark moment, wailing with deep pain pouring out of me. Then I had a full blown panic attack... the first one I have had in over 15 years. I threw up, my hands twisted in on themselves so that they were paralyzed temporarily and I couldn't breath... I called out to Jesus Christ for help... I renounced the lies and my sins and asked the Father  forgiveness and I forgave myself and asked for God's mercy and grace. After which I wondered seriously if I was having a mental and emotional break down.

I truly believed that the most difficult time of my grief and mourning was over, until these past few months. The pain has actually seemed greater then when Rob first committed suicide. God showed me that even though I had been working on my grief process, that to cope, I was emotionally numb. The Lord removed the cloak of numbness off of my emotions and I am FEELING even greater pain, grief and loss from the trauma of my husband's suicidal death.

I cannot begin to fathom how anyone could walk through this horrendous journey of healing as a suicide survivor, without Jesus Christ. As my heavenly Father continues to extend new invitations of redemption to me... I receive them with bittersweet tears, thankful that I am not alone...

Utterly Alone

After two and a half years, being a widow has not gotten easier... I have been experiencing extremely dark moments when I feel utterly ALONE... but then I remember these feelings come solely from the enemy.

My life continues to be redefined by the consequences of my husband Rob's choices and his suicide... I choose not to respond hastily to my circumstances, but to act patiently in my relationship with my heavenly Father waiting on His wisdom to direct my steps.

The waiting is hard...