It was the end of a very long, amazing, wonderful day... A very very dear dear friend, actually one of my closest friends, gave me a prophetic word tonight about my trip to Africa. She said that I would come back from this mission trip with a greater sense of security than I ever had before Rob killed himself.

As she spoke,  this deep guttural wail came out of me, I couldn't stop...  The  wail  was so deep that it hurt the top of my head as I cried. I have not wailed like that since I found my husband hanging from his neck, on the side of our house, or since his memorial.

There are some of you  that don't know this; since my husband's suicidal death, I have become insecure. As a matter fact, I have never felt this level of insecurity in my entire life!  Before I came to the Lord, I was confident in my competency.  When I became born again, I was confident because of my confidence in Christ Jesus.

When it comes to surviving the suicidal death of a spouse, there's this sense of incompetency on some level, because of the great depth of rejection, that comes through suicide. In my logical, clinical mind  and in my spirit, I know that it's not true that I could have prevented his suicide.  However, the emotional part of me doesn't always get that.

I have said this so many times before, that grief and mourning are nonlinear! Just because you do A, B, C and D the next step is not necessarily E & F.

A well-meaning sensitive woman of God, in her merciful heart, was trying to take me through some very basic inner healing steps in the midst of my wailing grief. I stopped her and explained that grief and mourning are very different than any other aspect of inner healing. Grief is so nonlinear you cannot pack it up and put it into a nice neat box. I asked her to allow me to acknowledge the pain and walk through this process.

Thank you Lord in your Infinite Wisdom, you allowed my grief and mourning to stir up, so that I could release the pain and come into a greater Saving Grace knowledge of Hope for healing this indescribable, inconceivable, unfathomable journey of redefinition...

My 60th Birthday Revelation

I was so excited about my 60th birthday party!!! We had a great venue and my friends were generous with their time and love in helping prepare for this big party.

The day arrived, a blazing hot Sunday morning. Father's day. Some dearly-loved friends journeyed from out of town and together we moved tables and chairs and sound equipment to the beautiful location of my party.

We arrived at the venue with other friends already there preparing, organizing and creating great atmosphere for the party to come... As we were all bustling about busy with the many things needing to be done, quite suddenly an odd feeling hit my heart.

Overwhelming feelings totally and completely sideswiped me. Where was this coming from? As the emotions rose like a wave,  breaking on the shores of my heart, tears began to choke up in my throat and pour forth from my eyes. No! This can not be happening. This is my big day that I've been so excited about and waiting for... This was a milestone in my life, the big 60!

I had to keep busy. I could not stop for a single moment. If I stopped, I felt I would surely burst into a river of tears that might never end. I became so focused on cooking and preparing food, that my close friends were concerned I was not spending time with my more than 60 guests at the party.

Towards the end of the night as we were cleaning up from the party a very dear friend burst out in tired frustration and anger, yelling at me and then walking away. I chased after her, needing to have closure to this outburst. As we loudly talked through our feelings and her accusation of my being controlling, I realized the emotion I was feeling and had not labeled until then, was anger. I was angry at my late husband Rob! I was angry all over again, that my husband had removed himself from our marriage and from my life, through suicide. He missed my 60th birthday. We had often talked about our bucket list of things that we would have accomplished by our 60th birthdays together. That was it.  This was a milestone in OUR lives that we had talked about, planned for and hoped would be wonderful times together... Rob was not here. I had to experience this without my beloved husband.

My heart was aching with the tears of unrequited love that only suicide can cause. Why was I not prepared for this? As a counselor, I was thinking, why was this not obvious to me?  This was a milestone, a major milestone in my life, and I was not prepared for this!

I have walked through the journey of grief, and the non-linear journey of mourning of my husband's suicidal death. Now, having experienced this level of anger, a different season of mourning, I sometimes wonder, will I ever get through this? And tears well up in my throat, as I ask myself this question.

Softly the brush of a whispered voice of words to my spirit from my heavenly Father pours like warm oil over my soul: "You are mine and I am yours. Nothing, nothing, nothing, can separate you from MY love. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. This too shall pass..."
 

Movies

"Silly me, crying at a movie along with Clive Owen in "The Boys are Back". He's crying because he lost his wife to cancer; I'm crying because I lost my husband to suicide. The waves of heart ache, the streams of tears. Life seems so surreal. I remember well meaning, good hearted people constantly questioning. Are you okay? What is better for you?
How can I help you? You will call me if you need anything, won't you? Is this the best for you?

How does one begin to answer any of those questions? I have to stop and ask myself that question, How am I? I ponder. Then I realize I'm not doing so hot right now. Then I burst into tears. I want to trade in my reality, because I still long for the man who was once my husband, whom I loved. Since his suicide, Rob has never appeared to me, as an apparition. Not like in the movies: A ghost like character appears to the living loved one left behind, giving them directives or hope. I have never received this from my dead husband... I miss him. Rob, I miss you..." excerpt from "Indescribable" by Kimberly Wallace

Really? After two and a half years...

I had a very difficult meeting with this couple from another church (with Pastor Francis' and Pastor Bob's presence and support) last night. Yet God had His way! He's doing a work of humility in me and showing me my own sin in the midst of this... That I was concerned about the splinter in their eyes and not the log in my own eyes...

When I got home, I was still so shaken by the anger that I  felt coming from this man with accusations towards me, that I listened to lies of the enemy: "You are incompetent, You are worthless, who could ever love you, you are responsible for Rob's suicide, you have no friends..." And the lies went on an on and on. I felt SOOO ashamed, I wanted to crawl under a rock and DIE. 

This stirred up memories for me of all the times when Rob would get angry at me for not understanding his pain.I am not the strong person so many people believe that I am. I am weak. I realize now (in my grief process) the anger that has been surfacing lately isn't anger at Rob. I've been angry at myself. Then I had the revelation that for a few moments,  I even believed the lies that somehow if I had done more, been there more, put more people around him... I could have kept Rob from committing suicide,  I have been walking in so much self deception. I was in a very dark moment, wailing with deep pain pouring out of me. Then I had a full blown panic attack... the first one I have had in over 15 years. I threw up, my hands twisted in on themselves so that they were paralyzed temporarily and I couldn't breath... I called out to Jesus Christ for help... I renounced the lies and my sins and asked the Father  forgiveness and I forgave myself and asked for God's mercy and grace. After which I wondered seriously if I was having a mental and emotional break down.

I truly believed that the most difficult time of my grief and mourning was over, until these past few months. The pain has actually seemed greater then when Rob first committed suicide. God showed me that even though I had been working on my grief process, that to cope, I was emotionally numb. The Lord removed the cloak of numbness off of my emotions and I am FEELING even greater pain, grief and loss from the trauma of my husband's suicidal death.

I cannot begin to fathom how anyone could walk through this horrendous journey of healing as a suicide survivor, without Jesus Christ. As my heavenly Father continues to extend new invitations of redemption to me... I receive them with bittersweet tears, thankful that I am not alone...

BAM!

Do you know its been over two years since my husband killed himself?  I had been thinking, I've been doing soooo good with the grief, with the mourning, with the remembering, with the anger, with the loss.

Then I got sideswiped, out of nowhere! BAM, SMASH! My heart was torn wide open... I got TOTALLY wiped out, pain poured out overflowing into tears. I got angry with myself, because I didn't understand where this anger came from... It was like a thief in the night... For one moment of darkness I thought, "I have to live with the consequences of my husband's choice choosing to kill himself. I will never be able to get beyond this paralyzing pain and live a glorious life..."

And then the heart of Father God poured over me and He whispered, " You can make the choice to live with these consequences AND choose to change what the enemy meant for evil, turning it to good glorifying My name. You can model for others, ESPECIALLY when the battles are long, arduous and difficult that there is victory and each victory is sweet, each victory is beautiful because, you have chosen to stand in faith and you have chosen to love and honor ME your Abba Father, your Lord and Savior above all else. You must not faint, you must not grow weary. You must continue in your transparency in the midst of your grief. Show others the beauty in grief, that it's okay to grieve, for My heart grieves for this world. You are just beginning to understand the experience of the fellowship of My suffering... I will give you beauty for ashes! Nothing can separate you from My love! I will never leave you or forsake you!"

And so, I have resolved to live the will of my Father...

Thank you Abba Father for your steadfast love! Thank you for giving me the grace to choose even in the face of all that would oppose me, to stand on your promises!

Father's Loving Arms

Swirls of emotions
like eddies of water
tumbling over rocks reaching
new unknown obstacles
rolling pouring falling flowing
Nothing seems natural
yet somehow feels right
in the midst of the hardest
most difficult places

Will my hope disappear like
sands of time in the watersmeet
where only jetties are revealed?
Or will this hope beyond hope
crash onto embankments
landing on a sea of green
ebbing through leaves of grass?

Redefined on this perilous journey
by lips of death that kissed my beloved
Discovering unsurity in new insecurities
Would I that I could but rest
floating in the loving arms of my Father
like cleansing bath waters caressing
my wounded soul yet buoyed spirit

©10/29/13 Kimberly Wallace

Cleaning the Office

I was attempting to clean out my husbands office today. I haven't really gone in there much since he committed suicide. Please pray for me- I came across a couple of notepads filled with my husband's words of despair and how he felt like such a fraud. My heart is grieved after reading all the words of hopelessness that Rob wrote.

I want to say right here right now, if you are feeling hopeless reach out to someone and tell them how you're feeling so they can pray for you so their prayers can lift you out of that pit When you are unable to climb out of that pit on your own accord. Jesus will be that helping hand. Jesus will be the knot at the end of that rope that you can hold onto. DO NOT LET THE ENEMY WIN THIS BATTLE OR WIN THIS WAR! WE MUST BE VICTORIOUS BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN THE DEEP SADNESS OR DIFFICULTIES OF OUR LIVES!

Uninvited

Today is my late husband's birthday. It is filled with mixed and warring emotions... But I will NOT yield, as I stand on the solid rock of my Father and His promises...


"attempts turning away from and fending off
uninvited unimaginable sadness and anger
become paralyzing parasitical emotions
blurring boundaries truth and trust once gave

somehow in Christ alone, through mercy and grace
I am able to move forward taking back my life
that has been held hostage and ransomed for death
by the suicidal choice to leave the land of the living

and yet the love of my Father God  pervades in this
torn scourged human heart seeking finding hope
that only Christ’s peace can bring in the tempest
of unanswered questions without ever a goodbye"

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 7-19-13

Castles in the Sand

Thundering echoes of threats
hit my threshold of peace and pain
mixing together like sea water and sand
Each wave new again
yet the rhythm remains the same

Each time the mourning arm of grief
attempts to sabotage moments of joy
I see and hear and feel
my Father’s invitation to redemption
He whispers softly
“Old things are passed away
All things are made new!”

Walking this strange and difficult journey
on the beach of surviving suicide
I discover in this new rising tide
there is the choice to be swallowed up
in the invisible undertow
or surf the wave enjoying the ride

Through His promise and His truth
Each tear is redeemed
Every obstacle becomes an opportunity
Every fear becomes love
and my darkness fades to light

© 07-13-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Anger and Death

This past Saturday night was the first time since my husband's suicide that I went to a social "event" by myself... I went to Shane Grammer's art show in Roseville and to Ben Woodward's concert in Sacramento! Since Rob's death, any social events that I'd been to, I always went with my "kids" and/or friends. Huge breakthrough!!! Very strange feelings though, to arrive and leave alone...

I've been perplexed at the level of anger towards my late husband, that rises up inside of me. My grief counselor says that I must acknowledge the anger, feel it, then let it go. Easy for her to say!

I find it interesting that I have actually allowed myself to feel the anger and then be intentional about not reacting to the anger and TRULY letting it go. Without Jesus Christ, I KNOW that I would be such a basket case and a puddle of mush, unable to do anything in the emotional state that I have been in. My Heavenly Father has been so faithful to catch me in the dark hardness of my failings...