Letting go of what might have been...

This past Sunday evening on September 18,  2016 around 10 o'clock in Uganda, with some VERY dear friends, at long last I carried out an extremely difficult task.

On the side of a hill overlooking Lake Victoria under the moon and stars, we spoke about Rob in hushed tones in the silence of the night and remembered him well...

We remembered his sense of humor. We remembered his passion. We remembered his Kenny G, Holy Ghost saxophone playing. We remembered what an amazing man he was when he was in his right mind. We remembered how much we loved him...

At first tears were skant because of laughter and remembering beautiful memories... And then rivlets of tears began to flow as I said goodbye to my marriage and the past that I once shared with Rob. It was time to let go of and say goodbye, to all the hopes and dreams that might've been, in our once hopeful future...

I shared some of the very dark times right after my husband's suicide... How there were times that I momentarily believed the lies of the enemy -  that if I would have, could have, should have, done a multitude of many things, he might be alive today. Those were fleeting lies running along the silent halls of my imagination... I have cast them down!

I have spread the remainder of my late husband's ashes in a world and country that he loved dearly, at the base of a Muvule tree, under a waning moon.

Most of Rob's ashes are interred with his mother and father in Kelowna Canada; while some of his ashes went floating down a creek in Portland Oregon at McMenamin's brewery and event center... Kelowna was where he grew up, Oregon is where we met and married and Uganda was one of the most favorite places in his world...

My heart still aches for the unrequited love his suicidal death can never quell. Four and a half years later, I still miss him with my whole being...