3rd Anniversary of my husband's suicide...

I have been working on my book, "Indescribable" (journey of a survivor of suicide). Last night I needed some content and specific details for this one chapter that I'm working on - and so, I watched Rob's Memorial... What was I thinking?!! Tomorrow, Saturday, is the day he committed suicide and March 10th is the date... I must have been momentarily out of my mind... Needless to say, I was unable to take any notes because I could do nothing but sob.

Thank you again Pastor Francis and Suzie for so steadfastly standing with me emotionally and spiritually at this time in my life... 

And a huge THANK YOU (I can never repay you enough for your love, hugs, laughter and tears) to my faithful FRIENDS... You know who you are! If you know me well, you know that I do not have a plethora of friends... Grief and mourning kind of changes your social life... Especially when you're not the least bit sanguine and extremely serious and deeply intense to start with!!!

I am not complaining about the loss of friendships since Rob's suicide. I'm being painfully aware and transparent about the fact that I don't have the emotional energy to invest in relationships. The friendships that I have been blessed with, are because of the outreach of others towards me. I so greatly appreciate those of you who have reached out towards me and loved me well in the midst of my grief and mourning. I don't deserve your love. You have modeled Jesus Christ's unconditional extravagant love towards me.

All that said, I am reaching out to each and everyone of you and asking for your prayers and love to cover me tomorrow and on March 10th as I attempt, sometimes tearfully, to remember Rob well. His choice of suicide does not define who he was or the legacy he left behind.

I do not apologize for my tears. Instead I recognize the grace you walk towards me in, when you see me cry and you don't tell me "It's going to be OK" or you don't ask me to "stop crying"... You have been Jesus Christ incarnate for me, on this catastrophic traumatic journey of being a survivor of suicide.

What is your story?

What is your story? What is the hardest thing you have had to walk through? I realized that I will never get over my husband Rob's suicidal death, but I will get through it... Only with the hand of God upon my life!

With the anniversary of my husband's suicidal death coming up on March 10th, a month away, the lyrics in this song have been moving my heart to tears... The enemy tries to throw me back into that darkness, attempting to get me to believe lies... But I know the truth: Rob left me and God loves me even more... The enemy will not prevail!!!

"Need You Now" (How Many Times) by Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God,
I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you.
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

Utterly Alone

After two and a half years, being a widow has not gotten easier... I have been experiencing extremely dark moments when I feel utterly ALONE... but then I remember these feelings come solely from the enemy.

My life continues to be redefined by the consequences of my husband Rob's choices and his suicide... I choose not to respond hastily to my circumstances, but to act patiently in my relationship with my heavenly Father waiting on His wisdom to direct my steps.

The waiting is hard...

BAM!

Do you know its been over two years since my husband killed himself?  I had been thinking, I've been doing soooo good with the grief, with the mourning, with the remembering, with the anger, with the loss.

Then I got sideswiped, out of nowhere! BAM, SMASH! My heart was torn wide open... I got TOTALLY wiped out, pain poured out overflowing into tears. I got angry with myself, because I didn't understand where this anger came from... It was like a thief in the night... For one moment of darkness I thought, "I have to live with the consequences of my husband's choice choosing to kill himself. I will never be able to get beyond this paralyzing pain and live a glorious life..."

And then the heart of Father God poured over me and He whispered, " You can make the choice to live with these consequences AND choose to change what the enemy meant for evil, turning it to good glorifying My name. You can model for others, ESPECIALLY when the battles are long, arduous and difficult that there is victory and each victory is sweet, each victory is beautiful because, you have chosen to stand in faith and you have chosen to love and honor ME your Abba Father, your Lord and Savior above all else. You must not faint, you must not grow weary. You must continue in your transparency in the midst of your grief. Show others the beauty in grief, that it's okay to grieve, for My heart grieves for this world. You are just beginning to understand the experience of the fellowship of My suffering... I will give you beauty for ashes! Nothing can separate you from My love! I will never leave you or forsake you!"

And so, I have resolved to live the will of my Father...

Thank you Abba Father for your steadfast love! Thank you for giving me the grace to choose even in the face of all that would oppose me, to stand on your promises!

Dear Kay Warren

Dear Kay (Warren),

I have discovered, after two years of grief and mourning of my husband's suicide, how non-linear grief and mourning is... I constantly remember grief is the pain and sorrow of the loss and mourning is the remembering.

I have had to give myself "permission" to have "off" days and I intentionally allow myself to have public tears and thank people for allowing me to experience my grief and mourning uncensored... Or when I have burst into tears and some well meaning person, will come pat me on the back and say, "It's okay, you can stop crying now." I have responded as gently as I was able with "Please allow me to grieve and don't tell me to stop crying." There are others who continue on in well meaning, yet insensitive, unending "positive" words or scriptures and I have responded - "I appreciate your heart, however, all your WORDS makes it impossible for me to cry because I feel like I have to listen to them, and I just can't right now!"

And then there are the oddest times when you least expect it that you just get "blind sided" no matter how well you are doing in the grief with mourning... The waves, they rise and fall, come and go...

I encourage you to remember your son well! I remember my husband well, for who he was and how he loved Jesus and honored God. I do not allow the final decision that he made to color my fond memories of my beloved husband.

"We must always contend for life, personally and with one another. For “In him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the light of men.” When someone has committed suicide, can we unequivocally say they are in Heaven? Sadly, no. That could possibly give license to anyone who was depressed or had despaired of life to take their own life as well. What we can say, is that we will each stand before the Person who has loved us the most, our Creator. We can place anyone who commits suicide in the arms of the One who died on a cross for all sins, even suicide." excerpt from an article Francis Anfuso wrote on my behalf March 13, 2012 just three days after my husband's suicide.

Thank you for your transparency in this most difficult time.

My heart and prayers are with you in your grief and mourning.

Kimberly

In Christ Alone!

I know that seemingly I've been on an even kilter for what seems a fair amount of time now. Yet, a few weeks ago, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began.

I got up to pray, and all I could do was cry. Though I didn't hear Jurgen's guitar and voice harmonized with Debbie's singing or Rob's saxophone playing; the memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5:30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit.

I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar.  The memories are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing waters.

I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears, his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption. There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind. Especially security.

In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but lost all financial security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off.  Many of my relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid life long friends, don't call or can hardly bare to spend time with me or look me in the eyes. I own my part in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on other's coat tails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could not ask for. This doesn't work.

I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantel of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you God, that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone!

Excerpt from "Indescribable" the book! by Kimberly Wallace

Today is a new day!

Today is a new day. I have to remind myself to stop "shoulding" on myself... I catch myself thinking I "should" be further along in the mourning process of my husband's suicide and death. I "should" not feel relieved that I'm no longer walking on emotional egg shells. I "should" no longer be crying. I "should" not cry in public. I "should" not feel guilty for enjoying life. I "should", I "should", I "should"...  Instead I MUST thank God and praise God and glorify Him in this process of tears of mourning. I must give myself permission to celebrate my life as it is, not filled with "shoulds", but my life as it is, and not look back at the past. I intentionally and purposely choose to live in the now, with my hope in Jesus and all my tomorrows!!!

Yesterday was such a difficult day for me emotionally with mourning my husband's death. Saturday's have been soooo hard for me to bare... That was THE day I found Rob hanging by his neck on the side of my house. It never ceases to amaze me that sometimes something as simple as the flash of a car, the sound of a song, hearing a saxophone play, the smell of Cinnabon and coffee, can remind me of my husband and send me spinning sideways into tears that don't easily stop. But God!!! His goodness His glory and His delight He finds in me. My joy and my delight can only be found in Him!!!

For those of you both close to me and not so close to me, THANK YOU for allowing my tears and NOT telling me to stop crying and giving me permission to feel the pain in your hugs, your silent but meaningful looks, your sometimes hesitant smiles, and yes, even YOUR tears. I know that I am not the only survivor of Rob's suicide. I have the greatest hope that God's glory will somehow prevail through my life and love of Jesus.

Yes today is a new day! I'm finding therapy (as usual) in cooking Indian butter chicken and Tuscan tri tip for the party tomorrow for Cor and Grace Koelewijn! Cooking is my passion, Jesus is my life!

Cleaning the Office

I was attempting to clean out my husbands office today. I haven't really gone in there much since he committed suicide. Please pray for me- I came across a couple of notepads filled with my husband's words of despair and how he felt like such a fraud. My heart is grieved after reading all the words of hopelessness that Rob wrote.

I want to say right here right now, if you are feeling hopeless reach out to someone and tell them how you're feeling so they can pray for you so their prayers can lift you out of that pit When you are unable to climb out of that pit on your own accord. Jesus will be that helping hand. Jesus will be the knot at the end of that rope that you can hold onto. DO NOT LET THE ENEMY WIN THIS BATTLE OR WIN THIS WAR! WE MUST BE VICTORIOUS BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN THE DEEP SADNESS OR DIFFICULTIES OF OUR LIVES!

Uninvited

Today is my late husband's birthday. It is filled with mixed and warring emotions... But I will NOT yield, as I stand on the solid rock of my Father and His promises...


"attempts turning away from and fending off
uninvited unimaginable sadness and anger
become paralyzing parasitical emotions
blurring boundaries truth and trust once gave

somehow in Christ alone, through mercy and grace
I am able to move forward taking back my life
that has been held hostage and ransomed for death
by the suicidal choice to leave the land of the living

and yet the love of my Father God  pervades in this
torn scourged human heart seeking finding hope
that only Christ’s peace can bring in the tempest
of unanswered questions without ever a goodbye"

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 7-19-13

Castles in the Sand

Thundering echoes of threats
hit my threshold of peace and pain
mixing together like sea water and sand
Each wave new again
yet the rhythm remains the same

Each time the mourning arm of grief
attempts to sabotage moments of joy
I see and hear and feel
my Father’s invitation to redemption
He whispers softly
“Old things are passed away
All things are made new!”

Walking this strange and difficult journey
on the beach of surviving suicide
I discover in this new rising tide
there is the choice to be swallowed up
in the invisible undertow
or surf the wave enjoying the ride

Through His promise and His truth
Each tear is redeemed
Every obstacle becomes an opportunity
Every fear becomes love
and my darkness fades to light

© 07-13-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Faithful Father!

Faithful Father

In climbing this tree of life

I aimed for the utmost,

outermost limbs

but then I came

to this place

I could not move up higher

I could not climb back down

Oh Lord

can I trust you

like a child does

its' father?

Though I'm not always sure

of my trust in You-

Ever faithful You are

to catch me

in the dark hardness of my fall

A Father with His child

there You are to catch me

in the hard darkness of my fall

© 1996 Kimberly A. Sweeney, © 2004 Kimberly A. Wallace

Anger and Death

This past Saturday night was the first time since my husband's suicide that I went to a social "event" by myself... I went to Shane Grammer's art show in Roseville and to Ben Woodward's concert in Sacramento! Since Rob's death, any social events that I'd been to, I always went with my "kids" and/or friends. Huge breakthrough!!! Very strange feelings though, to arrive and leave alone...

I've been perplexed at the level of anger towards my late husband, that rises up inside of me. My grief counselor says that I must acknowledge the anger, feel it, then let it go. Easy for her to say!

I find it interesting that I have actually allowed myself to feel the anger and then be intentional about not reacting to the anger and TRULY letting it go. Without Jesus Christ, I KNOW that I would be such a basket case and a puddle of mush, unable to do anything in the emotional state that I have been in. My Heavenly Father has been so faithful to catch me in the dark hardness of my failings...

Birthday

With my birthday coming up, I have been missing my husband so very much and been emotionally instrospective... Sometimes I believe that I have moved from the season of grief, (the loss of my husband) into the season of mourning (remembering my husband). However, I have been greatly deceived into assuming, that this season would be less difficult than the season of grief had been. In some ways, it may appear that way to the onlooker, the outsider, as I learn to do life in this new “normal”. I have struggled to get back to a place of “normal” only to discover that the old “normal” has been redefined!

My life is morphing from surrealism into reality somewhere after the numbness of the first six to nine months of Rob’s suicidal death. There are the oddest of things that bring back memories of my late husband, Rob: a song in the middle of a store or on the radio, seeing a silver blue car streak by, the sound of a siren, the smell of: coffee, cinnabons and krispy cream donuts, and so many other things seemingly unrelated, yet ALL bring back memories of Rob. Those memories flood my mind and often take me mentally hostage and physically paralyzed. Grief and mourning is difficult in itself because it is so non-linear. Adding the aftermath of suicide magnifies these emotions and pain…

I have asked the Father: Will I ever get through the depths of this pain? Will it ever get easier? He gently responds to my questions and encourages me to risk the emotion and the pain, by casting them on Him and stepping out in my Faith… I am reminded that I must answer the invitation of redemption Jesus has given and allow Him to redeem this suicidal death that was so indescribably horrendous. This is an opportunity for others that might not have had the experience of life filled with Jesus’ hope to choose life instead of death in the midst of their pain. When a seed dies, life springs forth… There is a choice of life that incrementally changes all the other consequences of the choice of suicide.

I continue to covet your love and prayers as I walk on this journey of honoring God, hoping that I am exhibiting Jesus Christ's unconditional love no matter what I am experiencing...

Honest Emotional Truth

Emotional Truth

My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob`s suicide. I believe that I would feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something other than self murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally I replay over and over whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he couldn't receive his redemption from the Father.

I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life. When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month. I despaired the loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don`t understand depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but again, I do not understand it experientially.

On my way home from a session with a client yesterday, I just started crying, heaving, sobbing, painful tears, seemingly for no reason. They wouldn't stop. This scared me. I pulled into my garage and stayed in my car and cried, painful, heart wrenching, tears. My soul cried. My heart rended a loss that I can`t put  into words. I think I stayed in my car for an hour. I didn't want to depress or scare my roommate. She ended up having a friend over at the house. I fixed us all soup for dinner. Her friend was lamenting about her job, and suddenly I began prophesying over her. Very strange. And yet, it was definitely a Word from God to this young woman. I could sense and feel it.

I find that it is difficult compartmentalizing my pain and emotions and separating them from my every day schedule. It doesn't work to compartmentalize, even when I try, lately. Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God. But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down my cheeks as I write.

This emotional pain is agonizing... If it were not for your prayers, and the prayers of others who love me, I would really be in a most horrible place. Thank you for your prayers! I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in asking why Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep reminding myself, that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob, He must be just as much toward me...

Possible excerpt for the book - March 7, 2013

March 7, 2013

Last night, on my way home from a meeting while on the phone with a friend and sitting at a stop light, 5 police cars with flashing lights and sirens zoomed through the red light, then an EMT vehicle and a fire engine also ran the red light. This triggered deep emotions within me regarding,  Rob's suicide. Not only did I get choked up, the tears began to flow, and I cried. I realized that I was apologizing to my friend for crying. And I was reminded, (previously by my wonderful grief counselor): Don't apologize for my feelings or emotions, because this minimizes or negates them. Rather, thank the person I am with for listening and allowing me to experience the grief. I did not remember to do this with my friend on the phone. I kept apologizing.

I got to the house and my roommate could clearly see that I'd been crying and asked what was wrong. I tried to share what had just happened as best as I could, in between the choking sobs. She came and hugged me and just held me and reminded me that I was not alone. That felt really good.

Not long after, as I was attempting to process my emotions, I got teary eyed all over again because I couldn't remember specific incidences clearly in my mind from "the night" of finding Rob after he had murdered himself. I called my spiritual son.  The one who had been on the phone with me, "the night" I had discovered Rob had committed suicide. I was desperate to remember specific details. He shared as best as he could, while dealing with his sick two year old... I cried some more.

Through this I realized yet again, how many ways this experience has redefined not only my life but many of my relationships. I was thinking of one in particular , where the relationship got broken in the midst of my grief only two short months to the day, after Rob's suicide. I know I said some stupid things (in particular I had said, "I can't take your "s!@*t" tonight) in the midst of my pain. One thing I remember, none of us walked in God's grace towards each other. For this I am sorry and have been, for all this time.

I'm sure there are many other circumstances where I have done similar things, repeatedly. I ask a forgiveness from all those who, in my moments of grief and pain, when I may have done or said something to, seemingly insensitive or inappropriate. Please forgive me.

Then I called another spiritual son, for more clarity on the events that happened "the night" I discovered Rob dead. Mostly he listened as I verbally processed and jabbered on (and on and on), blew my nose several times, and cried lots of tears trying to piece together what had happened that night. I caught myself apologizing for crying and instead thanked him for listening and being there for me. I asked a few questions and he responded.

I recognized this. This was pain. This was grief. Oh, the pain in my heart... The pain in my soul. There is still such a deep rending wound, that has not fully healed... I cried more tears. Allot more tears.

03-07-13 © Kimberly Anne Wallace