I am missing Rob on my birthday....

"In the depths of despair,
a heartache untold,
A tale of loss and anguish,
yet to unfold.
My husband, once a pillar,
now lost in the night,
His soul consumed by a tragic plight.

The weight of his suffering,
I'll never comprehend,
Alone here I stand,
As torrents of emotions,
crash against my soul,
Tears that once flowed ceaselessly, somehow gently consoled.

The emptiness he left behind,
a gaping hole,
A void that engulfs me,
devouring me whole.
Questions echo in the silence, haunting my mind,
Why did he choose to leave his life behind?

The memories we shared,
now a bittersweet reminder
of love's fragile reign.

There are no answers,
no solace to be found,
In this aftermath of darkness,
my heart is bound.
But in the depths of sorrow,
a flicker remains,
A determination to rise
above life's disdain.

For though he succumbed to his demons' embrace,
I will forge a new path,
in his memory, with grace.
To honor his spirit,
to keep his light aglow,
And find a way to heal,
to let my  heart grow.

In the midst of despair,
I discover resilience,
A strength I never knew,
in the face of defiance.
I'll carry his love within me,
as I journey ahead,
Embracing life's challenges,
however they spread.

Though the pain may linger,
a sometimes companion,
I'll learn to coexist,
to discover expansion.
For in the tapestry of life,
his thread may be frayed,
But his spirit endures,
my heart unafraid
I'll take each step forward,
with courage and might,
In this dance with grief,
seeking rays of light.
For even in the darkest of night,
hope still gleams,
And in the depths of my soul,
love redeems."

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 06/15/23

11th Anniversary

 It is now officially March 10th ...

Earlier today (March 9) I realized, I kept myself busy - making lemon marmalade, taking pictures of the snow here in Redding (partial white out - 6 inches of snow), sharing homegrown salad greens (from a friend's greenhouse garden) with a home made meal... And then working on a second batch of lemon marmalade because my 1st batch I messed up badly trying to make it "healthy" by using date sugar. Ugh! It tasted terrible and never jelled! Never mind phone calls and conversations to and from East Africa...

It's 12:35 AM. I should be sound asleep, but I'm wide awake… thinking about my late husband Rob. AND missing him. Still.

There are parts of me that ache from missing Rob so much. His smile, laughter, corny jokes, the way he cared about people and how he played the Holy Ghost filled Kenny G sax. Yet parts of me still gets angry at him for choosing to end his life through suicide. Leaving me to deal with the consequences of his choice. There is that small part of me that sometimes in a great notion, believes the insipid lie - that somehow it was my fault.

I am positive that everyone and I mean EVERYONE is absolutely tired of hearing about the grieving of my husband's suicidal death. I should be over this right?! Shouldn't I!???? This is after all the 11th anniversary of Rob's suicidal death. I am STILL a widow. I don't want to feel the pain of a life unrequited, or the pain from the hole in my heart that sometimes FEELS like a deep chasm. The grand Canyons. The resulting consequences of wind, water and time. The Grand Canyon walls hune from rock. I am sure the beginning process of the creation of one of the seven wonders of the world, didn't start out amazing. But NOW?!!! One of God's masterpieces.

Speaking of masterpieces (great segway), I've been writing some books. One of them is "Survivor of Suicide"; the main content for THE book that I have been "consumed" with writing… Writing has at times been healing, been a friend and yet my nemesis. Through the years there have been times when I've written so much that I can't write anymore. And then there are other times I have total writers block. I freeze, put writing on hold. This book MUST be a literary masterpiece! This is why it is not finished. Or so I tell myself. 

Recently, I was having this conversation with God about THE book. He posed this question - Why isn't THE book finished? Of course my response was - THIS book needs to be a masterpiece! GOD'S response to this meek excuse - It does not need to be a masterpiece. I AM the MASTERPIECE! Your book is A piece, meant to help the thousands, even millions of people attempting to survive the suicidal death of a loved one. It's a piece, not THE masterpiece! 

Deep! Humbeling. God loves me so much that HE rebukes me with a velvet hammer instead of a machete....

I can authentically say that I have gone beyond being a survivor of suicide. I am fortunate and blessed that I get to bring the Kingdom of God everywhere He sends me and exhibit His Extravagant Unconditional LOVE. 

Yes GOD, you are indeed THE Masterpiece!

Wedding Anniversary 12/31/22

 

Awoken this morning 

cloaked in subconscious 

resoluteness that today 

would be a day

like any other... 

Thoughts and memories 

raced in the echoing halls

of this stunted imagination

filled with past hopes and dreams 

of what could've been

Somehow this woman 

once broken by the suicide 

of a beloved man

into a million shards

emerges from mud and ash

upheld by tears bathed 

in unconditional love 

beyond human hope

She breaths

she dances

and dares to dream 

once again... 

Ⓒ Kimberly A. Wallace, January 1, 2023