My 60th Birthday Revelation

I was so excited about my 60th birthday party!!! We had a great venue and my friends were generous with their time and love in helping prepare for this big party.

The day arrived, a blazing hot Sunday morning. Father's day. Some dearly-loved friends journeyed from out of town and together we moved tables and chairs and sound equipment to the beautiful location of my party.

We arrived at the venue with other friends already there preparing, organizing and creating great atmosphere for the party to come... As we were all bustling about busy with the many things needing to be done, quite suddenly an odd feeling hit my heart.

Overwhelming feelings totally and completely sideswiped me. Where was this coming from? As the emotions rose like a wave,  breaking on the shores of my heart, tears began to choke up in my throat and pour forth from my eyes. No! This can not be happening. This is my big day that I've been so excited about and waiting for... This was a milestone in my life, the big 60!

I had to keep busy. I could not stop for a single moment. If I stopped, I felt I would surely burst into a river of tears that might never end. I became so focused on cooking and preparing food, that my close friends were concerned I was not spending time with my more than 60 guests at the party.

Towards the end of the night as we were cleaning up from the party a very dear friend burst out in tired frustration and anger, yelling at me and then walking away. I chased after her, needing to have closure to this outburst. As we loudly talked through our feelings and her accusation of my being controlling, I realized the emotion I was feeling and had not labeled until then, was anger. I was angry at my late husband Rob! I was angry all over again, that my husband had removed himself from our marriage and from my life, through suicide. He missed my 60th birthday. We had often talked about our bucket list of things that we would have accomplished by our 60th birthdays together. That was it.  This was a milestone in OUR lives that we had talked about, planned for and hoped would be wonderful times together... Rob was not here. I had to experience this without my beloved husband.

My heart was aching with the tears of unrequited love that only suicide can cause. Why was I not prepared for this? As a counselor, I was thinking, why was this not obvious to me?  This was a milestone, a major milestone in my life, and I was not prepared for this!

I have walked through the journey of grief, and the non-linear journey of mourning of my husband's suicidal death. Now, having experienced this level of anger, a different season of mourning, I sometimes wonder, will I ever get through this? And tears well up in my throat, as I ask myself this question.

Softly the brush of a whispered voice of words to my spirit from my heavenly Father pours like warm oil over my soul: "You are mine and I am yours. Nothing, nothing, nothing, can separate you from MY love. I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you. This too shall pass..."
 

3rd Anniversary of my husband's suicide...

I have been working on my book, "Indescribable" (journey of a survivor of suicide). Last night I needed some content and specific details for this one chapter that I'm working on - and so, I watched Rob's Memorial... What was I thinking?!! Tomorrow, Saturday, is the day he committed suicide and March 10th is the date... I must have been momentarily out of my mind... Needless to say, I was unable to take any notes because I could do nothing but sob.

Thank you again Pastor Francis and Suzie for so steadfastly standing with me emotionally and spiritually at this time in my life... 

And a huge THANK YOU (I can never repay you enough for your love, hugs, laughter and tears) to my faithful FRIENDS... You know who you are! If you know me well, you know that I do not have a plethora of friends... Grief and mourning kind of changes your social life... Especially when you're not the least bit sanguine and extremely serious and deeply intense to start with!!!

I am not complaining about the loss of friendships since Rob's suicide. I'm being painfully aware and transparent about the fact that I don't have the emotional energy to invest in relationships. The friendships that I have been blessed with, are because of the outreach of others towards me. I so greatly appreciate those of you who have reached out towards me and loved me well in the midst of my grief and mourning. I don't deserve your love. You have modeled Jesus Christ's unconditional extravagant love towards me.

All that said, I am reaching out to each and everyone of you and asking for your prayers and love to cover me tomorrow and on March 10th as I attempt, sometimes tearfully, to remember Rob well. His choice of suicide does not define who he was or the legacy he left behind.

I do not apologize for my tears. Instead I recognize the grace you walk towards me in, when you see me cry and you don't tell me "It's going to be OK" or you don't ask me to "stop crying"... You have been Jesus Christ incarnate for me, on this catastrophic traumatic journey of being a survivor of suicide.

Really? After two and a half years...

I had a very difficult meeting with this couple from another church (with Pastor Francis' and Pastor Bob's presence and support) last night. Yet God had His way! He's doing a work of humility in me and showing me my own sin in the midst of this... That I was concerned about the splinter in their eyes and not the log in my own eyes...

When I got home, I was still so shaken by the anger that I  felt coming from this man with accusations towards me, that I listened to lies of the enemy: "You are incompetent, You are worthless, who could ever love you, you are responsible for Rob's suicide, you have no friends..." And the lies went on an on and on. I felt SOOO ashamed, I wanted to crawl under a rock and DIE. 

This stirred up memories for me of all the times when Rob would get angry at me for not understanding his pain.I am not the strong person so many people believe that I am. I am weak. I realize now (in my grief process) the anger that has been surfacing lately isn't anger at Rob. I've been angry at myself. Then I had the revelation that for a few moments,  I even believed the lies that somehow if I had done more, been there more, put more people around him... I could have kept Rob from committing suicide,  I have been walking in so much self deception. I was in a very dark moment, wailing with deep pain pouring out of me. Then I had a full blown panic attack... the first one I have had in over 15 years. I threw up, my hands twisted in on themselves so that they were paralyzed temporarily and I couldn't breath... I called out to Jesus Christ for help... I renounced the lies and my sins and asked the Father  forgiveness and I forgave myself and asked for God's mercy and grace. After which I wondered seriously if I was having a mental and emotional break down.

I truly believed that the most difficult time of my grief and mourning was over, until these past few months. The pain has actually seemed greater then when Rob first committed suicide. God showed me that even though I had been working on my grief process, that to cope, I was emotionally numb. The Lord removed the cloak of numbness off of my emotions and I am FEELING even greater pain, grief and loss from the trauma of my husband's suicidal death.

I cannot begin to fathom how anyone could walk through this horrendous journey of healing as a suicide survivor, without Jesus Christ. As my heavenly Father continues to extend new invitations of redemption to me... I receive them with bittersweet tears, thankful that I am not alone...

Utterly Alone

After two and a half years, being a widow has not gotten easier... I have been experiencing extremely dark moments when I feel utterly ALONE... but then I remember these feelings come solely from the enemy.

My life continues to be redefined by the consequences of my husband Rob's choices and his suicide... I choose not to respond hastily to my circumstances, but to act patiently in my relationship with my heavenly Father waiting on His wisdom to direct my steps.

The waiting is hard...

BAM!

Do you know its been over two years since my husband killed himself?  I had been thinking, I've been doing soooo good with the grief, with the mourning, with the remembering, with the anger, with the loss.

Then I got sideswiped, out of nowhere! BAM, SMASH! My heart was torn wide open... I got TOTALLY wiped out, pain poured out overflowing into tears. I got angry with myself, because I didn't understand where this anger came from... It was like a thief in the night... For one moment of darkness I thought, "I have to live with the consequences of my husband's choice choosing to kill himself. I will never be able to get beyond this paralyzing pain and live a glorious life..."

And then the heart of Father God poured over me and He whispered, " You can make the choice to live with these consequences AND choose to change what the enemy meant for evil, turning it to good glorifying My name. You can model for others, ESPECIALLY when the battles are long, arduous and difficult that there is victory and each victory is sweet, each victory is beautiful because, you have chosen to stand in faith and you have chosen to love and honor ME your Abba Father, your Lord and Savior above all else. You must not faint, you must not grow weary. You must continue in your transparency in the midst of your grief. Show others the beauty in grief, that it's okay to grieve, for My heart grieves for this world. You are just beginning to understand the experience of the fellowship of My suffering... I will give you beauty for ashes! Nothing can separate you from My love! I will never leave you or forsake you!"

And so, I have resolved to live the will of my Father...

Thank you Abba Father for your steadfast love! Thank you for giving me the grace to choose even in the face of all that would oppose me, to stand on your promises!

Dear Kay Warren

Dear Kay (Warren),

I have discovered, after two years of grief and mourning of my husband's suicide, how non-linear grief and mourning is... I constantly remember grief is the pain and sorrow of the loss and mourning is the remembering.

I have had to give myself "permission" to have "off" days and I intentionally allow myself to have public tears and thank people for allowing me to experience my grief and mourning uncensored... Or when I have burst into tears and some well meaning person, will come pat me on the back and say, "It's okay, you can stop crying now." I have responded as gently as I was able with "Please allow me to grieve and don't tell me to stop crying." There are others who continue on in well meaning, yet insensitive, unending "positive" words or scriptures and I have responded - "I appreciate your heart, however, all your WORDS makes it impossible for me to cry because I feel like I have to listen to them, and I just can't right now!"

And then there are the oddest times when you least expect it that you just get "blind sided" no matter how well you are doing in the grief with mourning... The waves, they rise and fall, come and go...

I encourage you to remember your son well! I remember my husband well, for who he was and how he loved Jesus and honored God. I do not allow the final decision that he made to color my fond memories of my beloved husband.

"We must always contend for life, personally and with one another. For “In him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the light of men.” When someone has committed suicide, can we unequivocally say they are in Heaven? Sadly, no. That could possibly give license to anyone who was depressed or had despaired of life to take their own life as well. What we can say, is that we will each stand before the Person who has loved us the most, our Creator. We can place anyone who commits suicide in the arms of the One who died on a cross for all sins, even suicide." excerpt from an article Francis Anfuso wrote on my behalf March 13, 2012 just three days after my husband's suicide.

Thank you for your transparency in this most difficult time.

My heart and prayers are with you in your grief and mourning.

Kimberly

In Christ Alone!

I know that seemingly I've been on an even kilter for what seems a fair amount of time now. Yet, a few weeks ago, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began.

I got up to pray, and all I could do was cry. Though I didn't hear Jurgen's guitar and voice harmonized with Debbie's singing or Rob's saxophone playing; the memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5:30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit.

I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar.  The memories are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing waters.

I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears, his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption. There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind. Especially security.

In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but lost all financial security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off.  Many of my relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid life long friends, don't call or can hardly bare to spend time with me or look me in the eyes. I own my part in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on other's coat tails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could not ask for. This doesn't work.

I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantel of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you God, that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone!

Excerpt from "Indescribable" the book! by Kimberly Wallace

Father's Loving Arms

Swirls of emotions
like eddies of water
tumbling over rocks reaching
new unknown obstacles
rolling pouring falling flowing
Nothing seems natural
yet somehow feels right
in the midst of the hardest
most difficult places

Will my hope disappear like
sands of time in the watersmeet
where only jetties are revealed?
Or will this hope beyond hope
crash onto embankments
landing on a sea of green
ebbing through leaves of grass?

Redefined on this perilous journey
by lips of death that kissed my beloved
Discovering unsurity in new insecurities
Would I that I could but rest
floating in the loving arms of my Father
like cleansing bath waters caressing
my wounded soul yet buoyed spirit

©10/29/13 Kimberly Wallace

Preparation for another "First" (International Missions Trip)

I appreciate your taking the time to read my update for my missions trip. This time has been difficult to prepare for as I move forward in the Father’s will to share a Kingdom mindset with Leaders from around the world both young and old, future and existing…

This certainly has been an interesting roller coaster ride in this season of new “firsts” as I prepare for my “first” international missions trip since Rob’s suicide. I have felt the covering shift and change since Rob’s death and know the importance of prayer covering. I covet your prayers more than anything.

I am excited that the Nepal portion of my trip is getting ready to leave in two weeks and wanted to share an update! I am still needing to raise an additional $4,000.00 for my East Africa portion of my missions trip. I will be meeting Todd and Ruth Cataldo of New Nation Church International (NNCI), in the UK and flying on to Entebbe Uganda. We will then be ministering in Uganda, South Sudan and Zambia together.

We’ll be specifically ministering at New Nation Church International, Kampala and NNCI’s developing congregation in Masindi, in Uganda. In South Sudan, we will minister at New Nation congregations in Wudu, Mondikolok and Juba as well as at NNCI’s Nursery and Primary Schools. Additionally, our team will travel to Zambia where we will examine a local house church that has asked to join NNCI’s growing family of churches. Exousia Ministries International has had the blessing to help oversee the growth of these congregations since 2009 personally in South Sudan, Tanzania and in Uganda.

My schedule from December 22nd is still being worked on and will utterly depend on donations as to how long I can stay! I plan on ministry with Heart for Children (Kimblio School and orphanage at Osia with Cor and Grace Koelewijn), and medical/ministry work in a children’s prison – in Kampiringisa where there are over 400 children and many are under the age of 8- with Food Step (Werner and Nathalie Stauerbauten). Can you imagine a land where children get put into prison under the age of 8 – where parents often don’t look for their missing children because they assume their child has been taken for blood sacrifice? This is not a myth, this is real! One dollar buys so much in local food in Uganda! Twenty five dollars is a whole week’s salary in the villages. Thirty five dollars pays for a month’s school fees.

If you would like to be part of this mission through your financial support, mail a check to: EMI 7405 Greenback Ln., Suite 141, Citrus Heights, CA 95610 ( Please write “East Africa” in the memo line). No donation is too smal!.I need to receive any final snail mail checks by November 12th) Alternately I can continue receiving any funds through November 26th through PayPal: click on or go to this link: PayPal Please make your tax deductible check payable to EMI (Exousia Ministries Inc.)

While money is important, it comes in a distant second to my need for prayer support – which is so important to the success of this mission! Pray for the people I’ll encounter, that my desires are His desires, and that His will be done. As much as God loves mission trips, the enemy doesn’t. There will be a host of obstacles that will attempt to discourage as I travel. Knowing that you are committed to pray, gives me greater peace. Everything else will fall into place!

Funds collected are for travel, food, housing and visa costs; any funds collected surpassing my budget will be given as donations to Heart for Children and to Food Step for ministry work.

Blessings in His Faithful grip,

Kimberly