Excerpt from the book "Indescribable" by Kimberly Anne Wallace in
"Women at War: Rise Up, Be Restored and Embrace God's Mandate for Your
Life" by Delaine Allen (Chapter 7: The Battle at Your Gates)
Buy the book here:
http://www.amazon.com/…/B00W5QRSH0/ref=redir_mobile_desktop…
"I first met Kimberly at a training event. Kimberly is the
type of person who would be difficult to not like. An enthusiastic little
bundle of energy with her spikey hairstyle and contagious smile, she was
usually one of the first people to jump into a new activity. I wouldn’t have
guessed she had just gone through the traumatic experience that she did, or
that at that moment she was going through such a battle of faith. Only six
months earlier, Kimberly arrived home one evening to something that threw her life
into a tailspin. Kimberly shares with us from her upcoming book (29) - Kimberly
Wallace, Indescribable © Kimberly Wallace
2013, use by permission:
It was Saturday night March 10, 2012, I had been at church
conducting a missions meeting during the Saturday evening service. I returned
home, but could find my husband nowhere in the house, though his car was home.
I called a friend and spiritual daughter wondering if she and her
then-boyfriend (now husband) had gone to dinner with him. No, they hadn’t seen
him that night.
I called one of my spiritual sons who also lived with us,
asking him if he was with Rob. No, he wasn’t. We continued to talk on the phone
as I walked into the office. Rob wasn’t there. I went upstairs to check our
bathroom and bedroom, Rob wasn’t there. I noticed a sheet of paper on my side
of the bed. I was still talking to my son on the phone. I picked up and
immediately I knew it was a suicide letter. I screamed into the phone, “I’ve
found a suicide letter.”I ran downstairs and immediately ran outside to the
backyard and I saw him hanging by his neck, from the side of our house. Through
my tears I asked my son to come as soon as possible, and then I called the
police.
I had to cut him down from his noose he tied to our balcony
on the side of the house. I remember I couldn't find scissors to cut the rope.
I remember screaming, "You will live and not die!" over and over and
over, attempting to raise him from the dead, until I was finally able to cut
him down. I couldn't breathe too well right then. I thought, Lord give me your
peace that passes all my own understanding, as only you can do.
In the aftermath of the tragedy, Kimberly tried to make
sense of things as she went through a grieving process. Besides the loss of her
husband, leaving her widowed at a young age, there was the suddenness at which
it happened –no goodbyes could be said, confusion and anger at why her husband
would choose to take his own life, anger and frustration at being left with
financial difficulties, and deep loneliness. Kimberly pressed on to live even
during the process. She didn’t quit living, yet she had to depend deeply on the
Lord in her pain.
Even a year later, around the anniversary of Rob’s death,
Kimberly found herself to be emotionally vulnerable as reminders of that night
resurfaced. On her way home from a meeting one evening, as she waited at a stop
light, a fleet of emergency vehicles zoomed through the intersection –5 police
cars, EMS, and a fire engine, lights flashing lights and sirens screaming. Emotions
welled up within Kimberly and she sobbed on the phone to her friend. She caught
herself apologizing to her friend for crying, despite her grief counselor
having told her, “Don’t apologize for your feelings or emotions, because it
only minimizes or negates them.”Around the time of the anniversary marker,
Kimberly writes:
My soul needs consoling. I am having a difficult time having
a clear mind and emotionally attempting to keep my chin above water, so that I
don't drown in these tears of frustration and grief. I wonder if my heart will
ever feel whole again from the pain of Rob ` s suicide. I believe that I would
feel so different if my husband had died from illness, accident or something
other than self-murder and suicide. Clinically I understand that there is
nothing I could have done differently. Emotionally, I replay over and over
whether I could have done more. I will never understand why he chose to end his
life and turn from the invitation of redemption. I am trying to accept that he
couldn't receive his redemption from the Father.
I now have a grid for grief, inconceivable, inconsolable
grief. I know what despair feels like, I've experienced that once in my life.
When I lost my baby going into my 3rd trimester, the 7th month, I despaired the
loss of my child. But I overcame that sadness and despair. I don’t understand
depression or the spiral of it long term. I understand it clinically, but
again, I do not understand it experientially.
Everyone around me thinks I am this very strong woman of God.
But I am not. I am weak. I cry. I am reminded that my weakness is made perfect
in His strength!!! I have been crying so much in this past month, almost as
much as I did when Rob first died. Even now, tears come flooding my face down
my cheeks as I write. I pray. I ask God to forgive me of my sins in asking why
Rob chose to end his own life, and for my anger in that he chose to do so and
leave such a financial mess. God is a merciful and gracious God. I keep
reminding myself, that in His being merciful, gracious and loving toward Rob,
He must be just as much toward me...
I had been seemingly on an even kilter for what seemed a
fair amount of time. Yet, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock
House of Prayer, stirring yet again began. I got up to pray, and all I could do
was cry. Memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my
husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time
since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time.
I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I
REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5: 30 a.m. kissing our throats as we
prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy
Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit.
I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob
back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a
possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I
mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very
ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar. The memories
are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence
of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop
and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take
me like the flow of many rushing waters.
I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions
my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears; his love
was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time
of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is
a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed
drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the
pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse,
there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I
have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being
given up for adoption.
There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact.
And they play with your mind. Especially security. In my husband's suicide, I
not only lost my husband, but also all financial security with much debt that I
have been working my way to pay off. Many of my relationships have changed
through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid
life-long friends don't call or can hardly bear to spend time with me or look
me in the eyes. I own my part, in that I have not taken the energy or time to
call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no
energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with
maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I
had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on
others' coattails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed,
but could not ask for. This doesn't work.
I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantle
of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken
person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find
my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you, God that I can
receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone!
We have dared to share Kimberly’s story, even while she is
still in the healing process. Kimberly could have given up on life and on her
faith, but she didn’t. The enemy would have liked her to give up. For some
reason, which we will likely never know this side of heaven, Rob was unable to
lay hold of his victory. The enemy would like to have turned that into a
message of defeat for Kimberly, too. But Kimberly has chosen the way of
courage. Courage isn’t a demonstration of personal invincibility. Rather, it is
throwing one’s self completely on the Lord our Rock, looking to His presence
and Word for salvation in the midst of difficult circumstances, even while
being humble enough to adjust anything that hinders the restoration process.
Kimberly is in no way at fault for the tragedy she found herself in the midst
of, even as you are not at fault for the assaults that have broadsided you.
Yet, the Lord will teach us how to depend on Him alone, as He is the only One
who can heal our wounds and give us strength to stand.
Kimberly is one of the bravest women I have met in her
pursuit to overcome by the presence of God. Her words, as she tells her story,
don’t begin to reveal the cheerful kindness evident in her personality as she
interacts with other people, and presses on in her ministry work. Her story
isn’t complete yet, and she has already become an encouragement to so many
other people as she moves forward past the discouragement that has attempted to
take her out.
Psalm 27: 13-14 I would have despaired unless I had believed
that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for
the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD"
