Sometimes when it rains

My heart aches today from missing my beloved husband, Rob.

Sometimes when it rained, we would snuggle in bed, his arms firmly wrapped around me, I felt so loved and safe... Other times we would sit in our music room, listening to the rain and he would serenade me on his soprano sax just for me...just for ME! He rocked my world when he played for me... He was a Holy Ghost Kenny G sax player...

In the gentle sound of the rain, I am missing you so very much Rob...

Will I ever stop missing him?

I came home tonight for the first time, completely alone. Not even my dog Little-Bit, was home. I kept busy doing some little things around the house and decided to go through a basket filled with cards, that I found openly hidden on a counter... I didn't really pay attention to what was in the basket. I sat down and began to go through them. As I looked at the cards,  I  realized this was "the" basket of condolence cards, from my husband's memorial. I have not been able to look at them, nor have I been able to make myself look at them, since Rob's memorial. Hmm, over three years...

At first I went through the basket, with a bit of curiosity. I could feel the deep sympathy that people attempted to share; in my husband's suicidal death. As I looked from card to card, I came across a sign-in list of those that came to my husband's memorial. As my eyes read names, grazing from page to page, to page to page, the tears started to flow. Wow! I certainly didn't expect this. How does this happen?! By now, I should be over this... Right??!

These past few months, I began to feel like I was coming out from underneath the fog of grief and mourning.  Yet tonight, such a simple act and  BAM! Sideswiped! Tears, soft, gentle, sobbing, Tears of love, missing Rob. I know I will never stop loving him. I wonder though, if I will ever stop missing him?

3rd Anniversary of my husband's suicide...

I have been working on my book, "Indescribable" (journey of a survivor of suicide). Last night I needed some content and specific details for this one chapter that I'm working on - and so, I watched Rob's Memorial... What was I thinking?!! Tomorrow, Saturday, is the day he committed suicide and March 10th is the date... I must have been momentarily out of my mind... Needless to say, I was unable to take any notes because I could do nothing but sob.

Thank you again Pastor Francis and Suzie for so steadfastly standing with me emotionally and spiritually at this time in my life... 

And a huge THANK YOU (I can never repay you enough for your love, hugs, laughter and tears) to my faithful FRIENDS... You know who you are! If you know me well, you know that I do not have a plethora of friends... Grief and mourning kind of changes your social life... Especially when you're not the least bit sanguine and extremely serious and deeply intense to start with!!!

I am not complaining about the loss of friendships since Rob's suicide. I'm being painfully aware and transparent about the fact that I don't have the emotional energy to invest in relationships. The friendships that I have been blessed with, are because of the outreach of others towards me. I so greatly appreciate those of you who have reached out towards me and loved me well in the midst of my grief and mourning. I don't deserve your love. You have modeled Jesus Christ's unconditional extravagant love towards me.

All that said, I am reaching out to each and everyone of you and asking for your prayers and love to cover me tomorrow and on March 10th as I attempt, sometimes tearfully, to remember Rob well. His choice of suicide does not define who he was or the legacy he left behind.

I do not apologize for my tears. Instead I recognize the grace you walk towards me in, when you see me cry and you don't tell me "It's going to be OK" or you don't ask me to "stop crying"... You have been Jesus Christ incarnate for me, on this catastrophic traumatic journey of being a survivor of suicide.

What is your story?

What is your story? What is the hardest thing you have had to walk through? I realized that I will never get over my husband Rob's suicidal death, but I will get through it... Only with the hand of God upon my life!

With the anniversary of my husband's suicidal death coming up on March 10th, a month away, the lyrics in this song have been moving my heart to tears... The enemy tries to throw me back into that darkness, attempting to get me to believe lies... But I know the truth: Rob left me and God loves me even more... The enemy will not prevail!!!

"Need You Now" (How Many Times) by Plumb

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you God,
I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you.
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

I'll never see you again

My heart continues to break at the sadness, not understanding... All the understanding in this world cannot change what Rob has done... 

March 10th will be the third anniversary of Rob's suicide... I covet your prayers as this time draws near its course to this deeply tragic, traumatic event, that has redefined my life...

There are those who say
It's time to let you go 
Your voice fades
In the busy-ness of my day
Grief overwhelms physically
When I cannot remember
Your arms of love around me
Tears overflowing
Fighting, knowing,
I'll never see you again
Fragile with memories
Your life left behind
Drowning in these pools of pain

My Heavenly Father
He lifts my chin above water
He keeps the fire from consuming
His arms are here in the darkness
He holds me in his compassion
I am in his faithful grip
Fragile with memories
Your life left behind
Drowning in these pools of pain 
He catches my tears overflowing
Fighting, knowing
I'll never see you again

Kimberly Wallace @ February 12, 2015

Dance with Delusion

December 31, 2014
New Year's Eve

Today was my wedding anniversary-This is truly one of the most difficult days in my life. The other is the anniversary of my husband's suicide...
 
Shockingly, this holiday season has been the most difficult since my husband Rob killed himself... I received this revelation: The first year Rob was dead, I was so numb and in shock that I didn't really feel anything even though I felt like I was feeling so much. Last year, my second Christmas without my husband, I was in Uganda doing ministry. This year has truly been a year of mourning. Grief is the loss, mourning is the remembering... I have had a lot of time to be present and think about my memories and the past with my late husband... And so, I have felt EVERYTHING, in the painof my grief...

Somehow, I had this false belief that I should be OVER my grief for the suicidal loss of my husband. I do know that God uses all things, ALL THINGS, for His good and His glory... I don't know what that looks like yet... But I'm willing and I make myself available to the Father...

Dance of Delusion

"I caught myself dancing with the delusion
that grief no longer gripped my heart
As if to erase claim to this lie
Deep tears wailed from the depths
of the bowels of my being
unwanted, pouring forth, unrelenting
through the aching loss of my soulmate,
my spirit that misses the silver thread
that once bound our lives together
now replaced with threads of hope
somewhere amongst the echoes
of the silent halls of my imagination,
are memories of us once lived..."

Kimberly Wallace 12/26/14

Really? After two and a half years...

I had a very difficult meeting with this couple from another church (with Pastor Francis' and Pastor Bob's presence and support) last night. Yet God had His way! He's doing a work of humility in me and showing me my own sin in the midst of this... That I was concerned about the splinter in their eyes and not the log in my own eyes...

When I got home, I was still so shaken by the anger that I  felt coming from this man with accusations towards me, that I listened to lies of the enemy: "You are incompetent, You are worthless, who could ever love you, you are responsible for Rob's suicide, you have no friends..." And the lies went on an on and on. I felt SOOO ashamed, I wanted to crawl under a rock and DIE. 

This stirred up memories for me of all the times when Rob would get angry at me for not understanding his pain.I am not the strong person so many people believe that I am. I am weak. I realize now (in my grief process) the anger that has been surfacing lately isn't anger at Rob. I've been angry at myself. Then I had the revelation that for a few moments,  I even believed the lies that somehow if I had done more, been there more, put more people around him... I could have kept Rob from committing suicide,  I have been walking in so much self deception. I was in a very dark moment, wailing with deep pain pouring out of me. Then I had a full blown panic attack... the first one I have had in over 15 years. I threw up, my hands twisted in on themselves so that they were paralyzed temporarily and I couldn't breath... I called out to Jesus Christ for help... I renounced the lies and my sins and asked the Father  forgiveness and I forgave myself and asked for God's mercy and grace. After which I wondered seriously if I was having a mental and emotional break down.

I truly believed that the most difficult time of my grief and mourning was over, until these past few months. The pain has actually seemed greater then when Rob first committed suicide. God showed me that even though I had been working on my grief process, that to cope, I was emotionally numb. The Lord removed the cloak of numbness off of my emotions and I am FEELING even greater pain, grief and loss from the trauma of my husband's suicidal death.

I cannot begin to fathom how anyone could walk through this horrendous journey of healing as a suicide survivor, without Jesus Christ. As my heavenly Father continues to extend new invitations of redemption to me... I receive them with bittersweet tears, thankful that I am not alone...