Upcoming anniversary (3/10/12) of my husband's suicide

"The journey towards wholeness is one of grace and one of often painful transitions. But wholeness can not only be the fruit of a personal focus, wholeness is communal. It's the fruit of open receiving and gracious giving.

Our journey must be one of union with God, moving ever closer into the heart and purposes of God. This movement in and towards God draws us ever more deeply into seeking to be God's healing hands towards others.

Wholeness is the fruit of holiness, which issues in giving gifts of healing... " - from the Desert Fathers *Anthony

I've been praying and contemplating on the upcoming second year anniversary of my husband Rob's suicidal death. 

I am thankful that the Father has brought me through so many levels of healing and has brought me into a greater level of wholeness through losing my husband. My journey of grief is not yet quite finished... If given the chance to change my journey, I would not choose a different path.  There has been a gentle spiritual beauty of strength that has grown out of my painful brokeness in this grief. And yet, I would not wish this journey upon anyone else.

"If tears are still shed in heaven, then carry my tears to the feet of God." - Giuseppe Verdi

Coming home

I have been home for a few weeks, from my first international ministry trip since my husband's suicidal death.

There were many things extremely difficult preparing for this trip that I somehow did not expect. Like closing the house up, shutting things off, dealing with the utilities, phone bills and what not. These were things my husband Rob would take care of. 

The trip itself was good, though it was overshadowed at times by several emotional hiccups. This was a relatively short trip for me, only about 3 months long. Usually my trips are 4 to 6 months long. I felt good being busy doing life, doing ministry, doing what my passion is!  

Coming home was  extremely difficult. Because for me, this was the first time coming home from an international ministry trip since Rob's death.

Coming Home

"There are moments 
when it seems I'm able
to breath again
though my chin
is barely above water

Mourning softly elbows 
me with emotions
temporarily throwing me
off kilter
memories creep in 
stealing my present

I' ve become intentionally wary
protecting my future
ALL my tomorrows
with LIVING my life today"

© 02-17-14 Kimberly Anne Wallace

I still struggle with tears from time to time. I wish the tears wouldn't flow so often. But I know this is an integral part of the healing journey through  grief, as a survivor of suicide.

I am reminded over and over and over and over again. It's okay to have tears, it's okay to feel feelings, its okay to remember the pain, love, sorrow and the joy. 

Breath to live. 

Live!

Merry Christmas!

Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I was invited to a wonderful FANCY Christmas eve dinner party... The food and company was special. Yet, I experienced overwhelming heartache missing my husband, Rob being by my side enjoying the festivities of Christmas. Tears that could not be held back, flowed forth.

Ironically, I just finished telling a dear friend of mine yesterday, to give herself permission to have a hard day... My friend's husband had a stroke a year ago, turning her life and their ministry upside down. A week and a half ago three children in their orphanage were kidnapped for sex trafficking. Last week she was bitten by a poisoness snake while cutting basil in her garden. She was temporarily paralyzed and nearly died. Today her husband contracted malaria. But God! His fingerprints were manifest everywhere in the midst of her trials. God did not forsake her!

Christmas in third world countries brings new opportunities to praise and thank God for many precious things in life... Some friends had to flee South Sudan with barely their lives and nothing else because of insurrection and warfare! A coo had broken out to overthrow the government. In fact someone has had to find refuge from South Sudan here in Uganda, at the host home where I am staying!

Pray that these children would be brought back safely and unharmed. Pray for Peace in South Sudan. Pray for safe haven for all those who need it. Pray for unspeakable joy to break out... Pray for hope to shine it's light in people's lives this Christmas and New Year.

I certainly have gained a new perspective to having a "Merry Christmas" this year. I am joyful that I have a safe place to stay. I am blessed that I have loving friends around me and praying for me, even though I am far away from home. God has not forsaken me! These are reasons for me this year, to celebrate Christ Jesus' birth... MERRY Christmas! Merry CHRISTMAS!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Adjuring a suicidal friend...

I could tell you something trite like, "suicide is not the answer Jesus Christ is", but I won't! As a survivor of suicide, I can tell you this: my husband chose suicide to end his pain and in so doing he will never know the grief, the pain, the loss, the heartache, that he left behind as part of his legacy to those who loved him. I adjure you, as one who is still walking through the pain of the suicidal death of my husband, suicide is not the answer. Suicide leaves in its wake, indescribable grief beyond comprehension, more tears then you could ever know, pain in your heart that feels like nothing can ever heal it, so many unanswered questions, feelings of rejection, unrequited love and unsaid goodbyes. My question to you is this, do you really want to leave this behind as your legacy and inheritance for those who love you? With suicide there are no do overs. It is final!

In Christ Alone!

I know that seemingly I've been on an even kilter for what seems a fair amount of time now. Yet, a few weeks ago, while attempting to lead a prayer set at the Rock House of Prayer, stirring yet again began.

I got up to pray, and all I could do was cry. Though I didn't hear Jurgen's guitar and voice harmonized with Debbie's singing or Rob's saxophone playing; the memories of coming every Wednesday to early morning prayer with my husband for 3 years or even more, came flooding in. This was the first time since my husband's suicide that I came to RHOP. I had stayed away all this time. I could only make garbled proclamations in between my tears of mourning. I REMEMBERED. I remembered the grogginess of 5:30 a.m. kissing our throats as we prayed and sang. Our ears and heart were tempered by the leading of the Holy Spirit in melodic songs that deeply touched the spirit.

I cried because I wanted to be what we were. I wanted Rob back here, on earth and in my life. The Lord gently reminded me this was not a possible choice. Grief is the loss and mourning is the remembering. How do I mourn Rob gracefully? I don't think that I can. I have grieved very ungracefully with rivers of tears and snot offerings at the altar.  The memories are sometimes wondrous and amazing. I worry that I won't remember the essence of Rob, the goodness of who he was in his right mind in Christ. I have to stop and dig very hard for those memories and yet other times the memories over take me like the flow of many rushing waters.

I have been quietly processing great contemplative questions my Pastor adjured me to consider. His words did not fall on deaf ears, his love was felt in my spirit. I am reminded, God rebukes those He loves. In this time of redefinition I have allowed insecurity to weave itself into my life. This is a new experience for me in these last 22 years of my life. Who I am has changed drastically through my husband's suicide. I have been divorced and know the pain of divorce. The hidden rejection in it. In surviving suicide as a spouse, there is a feeling of blatant silent rejection that you can never address. I have felt the most rejected in this experience, even more rejected then being given up for adoption. There are so many unanswered questions. Too many, in fact. And they play with your mind. Especially security.

In my husband's suicide, I not only lost my husband, but lost all financial security with much debt that I have been working my way to pay off.  Many of my relationships have changed through this journey of surviving suicide. Many that I thought were solid life long friends, don't call or can hardly bare to spend time with me or look me in the eyes. I own my part in that I have not taken the energy or time to call or reinvest in relationships. When it is all said and done, there is no energy left when you are a survivor of suicide. You must be intentional with maintaining relationships, even if others aren't. I had begun to think that I had nothing to share and that I was worthless and so I desperately rode in on other's coat tails looking for affirmation and acceptance I so desperately needed, but could not ask for. This doesn't work.

I need to be honest with myself and remove the subtle mantel of delusion camouflaged as emotional stability. I am a weak, fragile and broken person. I need affirmation and acceptance. Please forgive me for trying to find my desolate needs met in people instead of you, Lord. Thank you God, that I can receive all that I need in my identity from you. In Christ alone!

Excerpt from "Indescribable" the book! by Kimberly Wallace

Father's Loving Arms

Swirls of emotions
like eddies of water
tumbling over rocks reaching
new unknown obstacles
rolling pouring falling flowing
Nothing seems natural
yet somehow feels right
in the midst of the hardest
most difficult places

Will my hope disappear like
sands of time in the watersmeet
where only jetties are revealed?
Or will this hope beyond hope
crash onto embankments
landing on a sea of green
ebbing through leaves of grass?

Redefined on this perilous journey
by lips of death that kissed my beloved
Discovering unsurity in new insecurities
Would I that I could but rest
floating in the loving arms of my Father
like cleansing bath waters caressing
my wounded soul yet buoyed spirit

©10/29/13 Kimberly Wallace

Preparation for another "First" (International Missions Trip)

I appreciate your taking the time to read my update for my missions trip. This time has been difficult to prepare for as I move forward in the Father’s will to share a Kingdom mindset with Leaders from around the world both young and old, future and existing…

This certainly has been an interesting roller coaster ride in this season of new “firsts” as I prepare for my “first” international missions trip since Rob’s suicide. I have felt the covering shift and change since Rob’s death and know the importance of prayer covering. I covet your prayers more than anything.

I am excited that the Nepal portion of my trip is getting ready to leave in two weeks and wanted to share an update! I am still needing to raise an additional $4,000.00 for my East Africa portion of my missions trip. I will be meeting Todd and Ruth Cataldo of New Nation Church International (NNCI), in the UK and flying on to Entebbe Uganda. We will then be ministering in Uganda, South Sudan and Zambia together.

We’ll be specifically ministering at New Nation Church International, Kampala and NNCI’s developing congregation in Masindi, in Uganda. In South Sudan, we will minister at New Nation congregations in Wudu, Mondikolok and Juba as well as at NNCI’s Nursery and Primary Schools. Additionally, our team will travel to Zambia where we will examine a local house church that has asked to join NNCI’s growing family of churches. Exousia Ministries International has had the blessing to help oversee the growth of these congregations since 2009 personally in South Sudan, Tanzania and in Uganda.

My schedule from December 22nd is still being worked on and will utterly depend on donations as to how long I can stay! I plan on ministry with Heart for Children (Kimblio School and orphanage at Osia with Cor and Grace Koelewijn), and medical/ministry work in a children’s prison – in Kampiringisa where there are over 400 children and many are under the age of 8- with Food Step (Werner and Nathalie Stauerbauten). Can you imagine a land where children get put into prison under the age of 8 – where parents often don’t look for their missing children because they assume their child has been taken for blood sacrifice? This is not a myth, this is real! One dollar buys so much in local food in Uganda! Twenty five dollars is a whole week’s salary in the villages. Thirty five dollars pays for a month’s school fees.

If you would like to be part of this mission through your financial support, mail a check to: EMI 7405 Greenback Ln., Suite 141, Citrus Heights, CA 95610 ( Please write “East Africa” in the memo line). No donation is too smal!.I need to receive any final snail mail checks by November 12th) Alternately I can continue receiving any funds through November 26th through PayPal: click on or go to this link: PayPal Please make your tax deductible check payable to EMI (Exousia Ministries Inc.)

While money is important, it comes in a distant second to my need for prayer support – which is so important to the success of this mission! Pray for the people I’ll encounter, that my desires are His desires, and that His will be done. As much as God loves mission trips, the enemy doesn’t. There will be a host of obstacles that will attempt to discourage as I travel. Knowing that you are committed to pray, gives me greater peace. Everything else will fall into place!

Funds collected are for travel, food, housing and visa costs; any funds collected surpassing my budget will be given as donations to Heart for Children and to Food Step for ministry work.

Blessings in His Faithful grip,

Kimberly