Dance with Delusion

December 31, 2014
New Year's Eve

Today was my wedding anniversary-This is truly one of the most difficult days in my life. The other is the anniversary of my husband's suicide...
 
Shockingly, this holiday season has been the most difficult since my husband Rob killed himself... I received this revelation: The first year Rob was dead, I was so numb and in shock that I didn't really feel anything even though I felt like I was feeling so much. Last year, my second Christmas without my husband, I was in Uganda doing ministry. This year has truly been a year of mourning. Grief is the loss, mourning is the remembering... I have had a lot of time to be present and think about my memories and the past with my late husband... And so, I have felt EVERYTHING, in the painof my grief...

Somehow, I had this false belief that I should be OVER my grief for the suicidal loss of my husband. I do know that God uses all things, ALL THINGS, for His good and His glory... I don't know what that looks like yet... But I'm willing and I make myself available to the Father...

Dance of Delusion

"I caught myself dancing with the delusion
that grief no longer gripped my heart
As if to erase claim to this lie
Deep tears wailed from the depths
of the bowels of my being
unwanted, pouring forth, unrelenting
through the aching loss of my soulmate,
my spirit that misses the silver thread
that once bound our lives together
now replaced with threads of hope
somewhere amongst the echoes
of the silent halls of my imagination,
are memories of us once lived..."

Kimberly Wallace 12/26/14

Really? After two and a half years...

I had a very difficult meeting with this couple from another church (with Pastor Francis' and Pastor Bob's presence and support) last night. Yet God had His way! He's doing a work of humility in me and showing me my own sin in the midst of this... That I was concerned about the splinter in their eyes and not the log in my own eyes...

When I got home, I was still so shaken by the anger that I  felt coming from this man with accusations towards me, that I listened to lies of the enemy: "You are incompetent, You are worthless, who could ever love you, you are responsible for Rob's suicide, you have no friends..." And the lies went on an on and on. I felt SOOO ashamed, I wanted to crawl under a rock and DIE. 

This stirred up memories for me of all the times when Rob would get angry at me for not understanding his pain.I am not the strong person so many people believe that I am. I am weak. I realize now (in my grief process) the anger that has been surfacing lately isn't anger at Rob. I've been angry at myself. Then I had the revelation that for a few moments,  I even believed the lies that somehow if I had done more, been there more, put more people around him... I could have kept Rob from committing suicide,  I have been walking in so much self deception. I was in a very dark moment, wailing with deep pain pouring out of me. Then I had a full blown panic attack... the first one I have had in over 15 years. I threw up, my hands twisted in on themselves so that they were paralyzed temporarily and I couldn't breath... I called out to Jesus Christ for help... I renounced the lies and my sins and asked the Father  forgiveness and I forgave myself and asked for God's mercy and grace. After which I wondered seriously if I was having a mental and emotional break down.

I truly believed that the most difficult time of my grief and mourning was over, until these past few months. The pain has actually seemed greater then when Rob first committed suicide. God showed me that even though I had been working on my grief process, that to cope, I was emotionally numb. The Lord removed the cloak of numbness off of my emotions and I am FEELING even greater pain, grief and loss from the trauma of my husband's suicidal death.

I cannot begin to fathom how anyone could walk through this horrendous journey of healing as a suicide survivor, without Jesus Christ. As my heavenly Father continues to extend new invitations of redemption to me... I receive them with bittersweet tears, thankful that I am not alone...

Utterly Alone

After two and a half years, being a widow has not gotten easier... I have been experiencing extremely dark moments when I feel utterly ALONE... but then I remember these feelings come solely from the enemy.

My life continues to be redefined by the consequences of my husband Rob's choices and his suicide... I choose not to respond hastily to my circumstances, but to act patiently in my relationship with my heavenly Father waiting on His wisdom to direct my steps.

The waiting is hard...

BAM!

Do you know its been over two years since my husband killed himself?  I had been thinking, I've been doing soooo good with the grief, with the mourning, with the remembering, with the anger, with the loss.

Then I got sideswiped, out of nowhere! BAM, SMASH! My heart was torn wide open... I got TOTALLY wiped out, pain poured out overflowing into tears. I got angry with myself, because I didn't understand where this anger came from... It was like a thief in the night... For one moment of darkness I thought, "I have to live with the consequences of my husband's choice choosing to kill himself. I will never be able to get beyond this paralyzing pain and live a glorious life..."

And then the heart of Father God poured over me and He whispered, " You can make the choice to live with these consequences AND choose to change what the enemy meant for evil, turning it to good glorifying My name. You can model for others, ESPECIALLY when the battles are long, arduous and difficult that there is victory and each victory is sweet, each victory is beautiful because, you have chosen to stand in faith and you have chosen to love and honor ME your Abba Father, your Lord and Savior above all else. You must not faint, you must not grow weary. You must continue in your transparency in the midst of your grief. Show others the beauty in grief, that it's okay to grieve, for My heart grieves for this world. You are just beginning to understand the experience of the fellowship of My suffering... I will give you beauty for ashes! Nothing can separate you from My love! I will never leave you or forsake you!"

And so, I have resolved to live the will of my Father...

Thank you Abba Father for your steadfast love! Thank you for giving me the grace to choose even in the face of all that would oppose me, to stand on your promises!

Dear Kay Warren

Dear Kay (Warren),

I have discovered, after two years of grief and mourning of my husband's suicide, how non-linear grief and mourning is... I constantly remember grief is the pain and sorrow of the loss and mourning is the remembering.

I have had to give myself "permission" to have "off" days and I intentionally allow myself to have public tears and thank people for allowing me to experience my grief and mourning uncensored... Or when I have burst into tears and some well meaning person, will come pat me on the back and say, "It's okay, you can stop crying now." I have responded as gently as I was able with "Please allow me to grieve and don't tell me to stop crying." There are others who continue on in well meaning, yet insensitive, unending "positive" words or scriptures and I have responded - "I appreciate your heart, however, all your WORDS makes it impossible for me to cry because I feel like I have to listen to them, and I just can't right now!"

And then there are the oddest times when you least expect it that you just get "blind sided" no matter how well you are doing in the grief with mourning... The waves, they rise and fall, come and go...

I encourage you to remember your son well! I remember my husband well, for who he was and how he loved Jesus and honored God. I do not allow the final decision that he made to color my fond memories of my beloved husband.

"We must always contend for life, personally and with one another. For “In him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the light of men.” When someone has committed suicide, can we unequivocally say they are in Heaven? Sadly, no. That could possibly give license to anyone who was depressed or had despaired of life to take their own life as well. What we can say, is that we will each stand before the Person who has loved us the most, our Creator. We can place anyone who commits suicide in the arms of the One who died on a cross for all sins, even suicide." excerpt from an article Francis Anfuso wrote on my behalf March 13, 2012 just three days after my husband's suicide.

Thank you for your transparency in this most difficult time.

My heart and prayers are with you in your grief and mourning.

Kimberly

Upcoming anniversary (3/10/12) of my husband's suicide

"The journey towards wholeness is one of grace and one of often painful transitions. But wholeness can not only be the fruit of a personal focus, wholeness is communal. It's the fruit of open receiving and gracious giving.

Our journey must be one of union with God, moving ever closer into the heart and purposes of God. This movement in and towards God draws us ever more deeply into seeking to be God's healing hands towards others.

Wholeness is the fruit of holiness, which issues in giving gifts of healing... " - from the Desert Fathers *Anthony

I've been praying and contemplating on the upcoming second year anniversary of my husband Rob's suicidal death. 

I am thankful that the Father has brought me through so many levels of healing and has brought me into a greater level of wholeness through losing my husband. My journey of grief is not yet quite finished... If given the chance to change my journey, I would not choose a different path.  There has been a gentle spiritual beauty of strength that has grown out of my painful brokeness in this grief. And yet, I would not wish this journey upon anyone else.

"If tears are still shed in heaven, then carry my tears to the feet of God." - Giuseppe Verdi

Coming home

I have been home for a few weeks, from my first international ministry trip since my husband's suicidal death.

There were many things extremely difficult preparing for this trip that I somehow did not expect. Like closing the house up, shutting things off, dealing with the utilities, phone bills and what not. These were things my husband Rob would take care of. 

The trip itself was good, though it was overshadowed at times by several emotional hiccups. This was a relatively short trip for me, only about 3 months long. Usually my trips are 4 to 6 months long. I felt good being busy doing life, doing ministry, doing what my passion is!  

Coming home was  extremely difficult. Because for me, this was the first time coming home from an international ministry trip since Rob's death.

Coming Home

"There are moments 
when it seems I'm able
to breath again
though my chin
is barely above water

Mourning softly elbows 
me with emotions
temporarily throwing me
off kilter
memories creep in 
stealing my present

I' ve become intentionally wary
protecting my future
ALL my tomorrows
with LIVING my life today"

© 02-17-14 Kimberly Anne Wallace

I still struggle with tears from time to time. I wish the tears wouldn't flow so often. But I know this is an integral part of the healing journey through  grief, as a survivor of suicide.

I am reminded over and over and over and over again. It's okay to have tears, it's okay to feel feelings, its okay to remember the pain, love, sorrow and the joy. 

Breath to live. 

Live!