Utterly Alone

After two and a half years, being a widow has not gotten easier... I have been experiencing extremely dark moments when I feel utterly ALONE... but then I remember these feelings come solely from the enemy.

My life continues to be redefined by the consequences of my husband Rob's choices and his suicide... I choose not to respond hastily to my circumstances, but to act patiently in my relationship with my heavenly Father waiting on His wisdom to direct my steps.

The waiting is hard...

BAM!

Do you know its been over two years since my husband killed himself?  I had been thinking, I've been doing soooo good with the grief, with the mourning, with the remembering, with the anger, with the loss.

Then I got sideswiped, out of nowhere! BAM, SMASH! My heart was torn wide open... I got TOTALLY wiped out, pain poured out overflowing into tears. I got angry with myself, because I didn't understand where this anger came from... It was like a thief in the night... For one moment of darkness I thought, "I have to live with the consequences of my husband's choice choosing to kill himself. I will never be able to get beyond this paralyzing pain and live a glorious life..."

And then the heart of Father God poured over me and He whispered, " You can make the choice to live with these consequences AND choose to change what the enemy meant for evil, turning it to good glorifying My name. You can model for others, ESPECIALLY when the battles are long, arduous and difficult that there is victory and each victory is sweet, each victory is beautiful because, you have chosen to stand in faith and you have chosen to love and honor ME your Abba Father, your Lord and Savior above all else. You must not faint, you must not grow weary. You must continue in your transparency in the midst of your grief. Show others the beauty in grief, that it's okay to grieve, for My heart grieves for this world. You are just beginning to understand the experience of the fellowship of My suffering... I will give you beauty for ashes! Nothing can separate you from My love! I will never leave you or forsake you!"

And so, I have resolved to live the will of my Father...

Thank you Abba Father for your steadfast love! Thank you for giving me the grace to choose even in the face of all that would oppose me, to stand on your promises!

Dear Kay Warren

Dear Kay (Warren),

I have discovered, after two years of grief and mourning of my husband's suicide, how non-linear grief and mourning is... I constantly remember grief is the pain and sorrow of the loss and mourning is the remembering.

I have had to give myself "permission" to have "off" days and I intentionally allow myself to have public tears and thank people for allowing me to experience my grief and mourning uncensored... Or when I have burst into tears and some well meaning person, will come pat me on the back and say, "It's okay, you can stop crying now." I have responded as gently as I was able with "Please allow me to grieve and don't tell me to stop crying." There are others who continue on in well meaning, yet insensitive, unending "positive" words or scriptures and I have responded - "I appreciate your heart, however, all your WORDS makes it impossible for me to cry because I feel like I have to listen to them, and I just can't right now!"

And then there are the oddest times when you least expect it that you just get "blind sided" no matter how well you are doing in the grief with mourning... The waves, they rise and fall, come and go...

I encourage you to remember your son well! I remember my husband well, for who he was and how he loved Jesus and honored God. I do not allow the final decision that he made to color my fond memories of my beloved husband.

"We must always contend for life, personally and with one another. For “In him (Jesus) was life, and the life was the light of men.” When someone has committed suicide, can we unequivocally say they are in Heaven? Sadly, no. That could possibly give license to anyone who was depressed or had despaired of life to take their own life as well. What we can say, is that we will each stand before the Person who has loved us the most, our Creator. We can place anyone who commits suicide in the arms of the One who died on a cross for all sins, even suicide." excerpt from an article Francis Anfuso wrote on my behalf March 13, 2012 just three days after my husband's suicide.

Thank you for your transparency in this most difficult time.

My heart and prayers are with you in your grief and mourning.

Kimberly

Upcoming anniversary (3/10/12) of my husband's suicide

"The journey towards wholeness is one of grace and one of often painful transitions. But wholeness can not only be the fruit of a personal focus, wholeness is communal. It's the fruit of open receiving and gracious giving.

Our journey must be one of union with God, moving ever closer into the heart and purposes of God. This movement in and towards God draws us ever more deeply into seeking to be God's healing hands towards others.

Wholeness is the fruit of holiness, which issues in giving gifts of healing... " - from the Desert Fathers *Anthony

I've been praying and contemplating on the upcoming second year anniversary of my husband Rob's suicidal death. 

I am thankful that the Father has brought me through so many levels of healing and has brought me into a greater level of wholeness through losing my husband. My journey of grief is not yet quite finished... If given the chance to change my journey, I would not choose a different path.  There has been a gentle spiritual beauty of strength that has grown out of my painful brokeness in this grief. And yet, I would not wish this journey upon anyone else.

"If tears are still shed in heaven, then carry my tears to the feet of God." - Giuseppe Verdi

Coming home

I have been home for a few weeks, from my first international ministry trip since my husband's suicidal death.

There were many things extremely difficult preparing for this trip that I somehow did not expect. Like closing the house up, shutting things off, dealing with the utilities, phone bills and what not. These were things my husband Rob would take care of. 

The trip itself was good, though it was overshadowed at times by several emotional hiccups. This was a relatively short trip for me, only about 3 months long. Usually my trips are 4 to 6 months long. I felt good being busy doing life, doing ministry, doing what my passion is!  

Coming home was  extremely difficult. Because for me, this was the first time coming home from an international ministry trip since Rob's death.

Coming Home

"There are moments 
when it seems I'm able
to breath again
though my chin
is barely above water

Mourning softly elbows 
me with emotions
temporarily throwing me
off kilter
memories creep in 
stealing my present

I' ve become intentionally wary
protecting my future
ALL my tomorrows
with LIVING my life today"

© 02-17-14 Kimberly Anne Wallace

I still struggle with tears from time to time. I wish the tears wouldn't flow so often. But I know this is an integral part of the healing journey through  grief, as a survivor of suicide.

I am reminded over and over and over and over again. It's okay to have tears, it's okay to feel feelings, its okay to remember the pain, love, sorrow and the joy. 

Breath to live. 

Live!

Merry Christmas!

Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I was invited to a wonderful FANCY Christmas eve dinner party... The food and company was special. Yet, I experienced overwhelming heartache missing my husband, Rob being by my side enjoying the festivities of Christmas. Tears that could not be held back, flowed forth.

Ironically, I just finished telling a dear friend of mine yesterday, to give herself permission to have a hard day... My friend's husband had a stroke a year ago, turning her life and their ministry upside down. A week and a half ago three children in their orphanage were kidnapped for sex trafficking. Last week she was bitten by a poisoness snake while cutting basil in her garden. She was temporarily paralyzed and nearly died. Today her husband contracted malaria. But God! His fingerprints were manifest everywhere in the midst of her trials. God did not forsake her!

Christmas in third world countries brings new opportunities to praise and thank God for many precious things in life... Some friends had to flee South Sudan with barely their lives and nothing else because of insurrection and warfare! A coo had broken out to overthrow the government. In fact someone has had to find refuge from South Sudan here in Uganda, at the host home where I am staying!

Pray that these children would be brought back safely and unharmed. Pray for Peace in South Sudan. Pray for safe haven for all those who need it. Pray for unspeakable joy to break out... Pray for hope to shine it's light in people's lives this Christmas and New Year.

I certainly have gained a new perspective to having a "Merry Christmas" this year. I am joyful that I have a safe place to stay. I am blessed that I have loving friends around me and praying for me, even though I am far away from home. God has not forsaken me! These are reasons for me this year, to celebrate Christ Jesus' birth... MERRY Christmas! Merry CHRISTMAS!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Adjuring a suicidal friend...

I could tell you something trite like, "suicide is not the answer Jesus Christ is", but I won't! As a survivor of suicide, I can tell you this: my husband chose suicide to end his pain and in so doing he will never know the grief, the pain, the loss, the heartache, that he left behind as part of his legacy to those who loved him. I adjure you, as one who is still walking through the pain of the suicidal death of my husband, suicide is not the answer. Suicide leaves in its wake, indescribable grief beyond comprehension, more tears then you could ever know, pain in your heart that feels like nothing can ever heal it, so many unanswered questions, feelings of rejection, unrequited love and unsaid goodbyes. My question to you is this, do you really want to leave this behind as your legacy and inheritance for those who love you? With suicide there are no do overs. It is final!