Cleaning the Office

I was attempting to clean out my husbands office today. I haven't really gone in there much since he committed suicide. Please pray for me- I came across a couple of notepads filled with my husband's words of despair and how he felt like such a fraud. My heart is grieved after reading all the words of hopelessness that Rob wrote.

I want to say right here right now, if you are feeling hopeless reach out to someone and tell them how you're feeling so they can pray for you so their prayers can lift you out of that pit When you are unable to climb out of that pit on your own accord. Jesus will be that helping hand. Jesus will be the knot at the end of that rope that you can hold onto. DO NOT LET THE ENEMY WIN THIS BATTLE OR WIN THIS WAR! WE MUST BE VICTORIOUS BY REACHING OUT TO OTHERS IN THE DEEP SADNESS OR DIFFICULTIES OF OUR LIVES!

Uninvited

Today is my late husband's birthday. It is filled with mixed and warring emotions... But I will NOT yield, as I stand on the solid rock of my Father and His promises...


"attempts turning away from and fending off
uninvited unimaginable sadness and anger
become paralyzing parasitical emotions
blurring boundaries truth and trust once gave

somehow in Christ alone, through mercy and grace
I am able to move forward taking back my life
that has been held hostage and ransomed for death
by the suicidal choice to leave the land of the living

and yet the love of my Father God  pervades in this
torn scourged human heart seeking finding hope
that only Christ’s peace can bring in the tempest
of unanswered questions without ever a goodbye"

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 7-19-13

Pictures

My late husband Rob's birthday would have been tomorrow. I appreciate your remembering Rob Wallace well.


"pictures become recluse in hiding
because of the searing pain they brought
upon the aching heart of a child
I wiped away heart wrenching tears
strangely belonging to someone else
somehow comforted that I am not alone
in mourning the ravages of suicide
tears leak out of my heart in rivulets
as mile markers remembering
a birthday that might have been"

© Kimberly Anne Wallace 07-18-13

Castles in the Sand

Thundering echoes of threats
hit my threshold of peace and pain
mixing together like sea water and sand
Each wave new again
yet the rhythm remains the same

Each time the mourning arm of grief
attempts to sabotage moments of joy
I see and hear and feel
my Father’s invitation to redemption
He whispers softly
“Old things are passed away
All things are made new!”

Walking this strange and difficult journey
on the beach of surviving suicide
I discover in this new rising tide
there is the choice to be swallowed up
in the invisible undertow
or surf the wave enjoying the ride

Through His promise and His truth
Each tear is redeemed
Every obstacle becomes an opportunity
Every fear becomes love
and my darkness fades to light

© 07-13-13 Kimberly Anne Wallace

Faithful Father!

Faithful Father

In climbing this tree of life

I aimed for the utmost,

outermost limbs

but then I came

to this place

I could not move up higher

I could not climb back down

Oh Lord

can I trust you

like a child does

its' father?

Though I'm not always sure

of my trust in You-

Ever faithful You are

to catch me

in the dark hardness of my fall

A Father with His child

there You are to catch me

in the hard darkness of my fall

© 1996 Kimberly A. Sweeney, © 2004 Kimberly A. Wallace

Anger and Death

This past Saturday night was the first time since my husband's suicide that I went to a social "event" by myself... I went to Shane Grammer's art show in Roseville and to Ben Woodward's concert in Sacramento! Since Rob's death, any social events that I'd been to, I always went with my "kids" and/or friends. Huge breakthrough!!! Very strange feelings though, to arrive and leave alone...

I've been perplexed at the level of anger towards my late husband, that rises up inside of me. My grief counselor says that I must acknowledge the anger, feel it, then let it go. Easy for her to say!

I find it interesting that I have actually allowed myself to feel the anger and then be intentional about not reacting to the anger and TRULY letting it go. Without Jesus Christ, I KNOW that I would be such a basket case and a puddle of mush, unable to do anything in the emotional state that I have been in. My Heavenly Father has been so faithful to catch me in the dark hardness of my failings...

Birthday

With my birthday coming up, I have been missing my husband so very much and been emotionally instrospective... Sometimes I believe that I have moved from the season of grief, (the loss of my husband) into the season of mourning (remembering my husband). However, I have been greatly deceived into assuming, that this season would be less difficult than the season of grief had been. In some ways, it may appear that way to the onlooker, the outsider, as I learn to do life in this new “normal”. I have struggled to get back to a place of “normal” only to discover that the old “normal” has been redefined!

My life is morphing from surrealism into reality somewhere after the numbness of the first six to nine months of Rob’s suicidal death. There are the oddest of things that bring back memories of my late husband, Rob: a song in the middle of a store or on the radio, seeing a silver blue car streak by, the sound of a siren, the smell of: coffee, cinnabons and krispy cream donuts, and so many other things seemingly unrelated, yet ALL bring back memories of Rob. Those memories flood my mind and often take me mentally hostage and physically paralyzed. Grief and mourning is difficult in itself because it is so non-linear. Adding the aftermath of suicide magnifies these emotions and pain…

I have asked the Father: Will I ever get through the depths of this pain? Will it ever get easier? He gently responds to my questions and encourages me to risk the emotion and the pain, by casting them on Him and stepping out in my Faith… I am reminded that I must answer the invitation of redemption Jesus has given and allow Him to redeem this suicidal death that was so indescribably horrendous. This is an opportunity for others that might not have had the experience of life filled with Jesus’ hope to choose life instead of death in the midst of their pain. When a seed dies, life springs forth… There is a choice of life that incrementally changes all the other consequences of the choice of suicide.

I continue to covet your love and prayers as I walk on this journey of honoring God, hoping that I am exhibiting Jesus Christ's unconditional love no matter what I am experiencing...